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I’m not doing a list or a year-end review. I know better than to speculate what the future holds for me. I did learn one important lesson this year. My vibrator takes rechargable batteries. Why didn’t I think of this before? Why? I used to proudly walk into Costco to get my 48 double packs….
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The Muppets have been around since I was young. But, like Mr. Hooper, old school, thinning felt Muppets die or lose camera time to their updated furry friends. Elmo received life in 1985 when a black man put his hand in Elmo’s ass and gave him that distinctive voice and laugh. With red hair and…
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If you have young children, send them away and don’t let them near the computer screen. I’m going PG-13. When you are young, you want to understand all the mysteries of the world. My first unsolved mystery was sex. I didn’t want to do it, I just wanted to understand what all the fuss was…
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Dad, I’ve been thinking about you all weekend. Yesterday, Navy beat those Army pussies 34 to 6. I’ll never forget the game of 1989. It took me four hours to drive 100 miles north in the snow to get you. We took the Navy party train and shuttle bus from D.C. to Giants stadium. You…
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The first time I went to the bathroom to change my tampon, I noticed there was a window. I pulled back the curtain. The window was painted shut and there were security bars. Nope, there was no easy way of escaping this date. I’d have to hang-in there until closing time. Chris found me online…
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This morning I got up to go to a four hour seminar conducted by Dr. Pat Allen entitled “The Art of Love.” When I turned my car radio on, “Ain’t talking about love” by Van Halen was on the radio. Coincidence? This 69 year-old cognitive psychologist also believes that feminism has backfired on us as…
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The end of this week marks my four month anniversary in California. Friends back East continue to ask me about the differences of living out here. I’ve made some casual observances in previous blogs, but here are my overall impressions: Personal Grooming – I realized a few months ago that the only time I have…
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I would personally like to thank Home Depot for bringing me good luck, temporarily. On Monday I decided the job market did, indeed suck ass and I needed to get some form of a job to get by for a few more months while I waited for my networking to pan out. I waffled between…
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Here’s some math to ponder: in another 10 days I’ll be ovulating. If I were to get knocked up, I’d have a baby summer 2004. Baby Bungie would graduate from high school when I’m 56 years old. To the best of my knowledge, unless you produce a child star or a prodigy of some sort,…
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Last week, on three different occasions, women of various socioeconomic backgrounds made reference to me to the fact that our trailblazing sisters of the 60’s have made us current-day women doubt how much actual progress we’ve made. I immediately started thinking about my mother’s ‘kept woman’ reference (see 9/23/03 post). Since I’ve had a career…
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Cucamonga
▶︎The first time I heard the word cucamonga, I believe I was in third grade and it was a derogatory term of unknown origin or meaning. Nearly 31 years later, I heard the word again, except it was Rancho Cucamonga and the area was on fire. On Friday, October 24th, my Venice skies became yellow,…
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When you are unemployed, sometimes you think about employment opportunities that, under normal circumstances, you’d never consider in a million years. Let’s take egg donation for instance. I still cower in fear every time my mother yells, “Whatever you do, don’t get pregnant.” I’m 37 and it hasn’t happened yet. Perhaps I should turn over…
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He was bent over the pool table when I first noticed him…a nice ad for jeans. I turned and resumed drinking my beer with Anne. We had one mission that evening and that was to get her pickled before her redeye flight out of LAX to go back east. Anne was sticking to plan when…
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If we were to judge our nation by the type of spam emails we receive, what would we learn? A 48-hour analysis of my inbox spam reveals that Americans love drugs that begin with the letter V. If you drill down farther, we are a nation in pain and we can’t get it up. Valium….
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Yesterday I discovered a new low in the definition of rejection. How can someone turn you down for volunteering? I’m sorry, we don’t need your do-goodin’, free help kind here. I could understand if they did a background check and discovered I molest kids or highjack corporate software. But I like kids and have all…
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I’m back on the subject of LA and cars, but before we go there, let me immediately digress. I had the usual, traditional conflicted childhood. I was an individual who was different and didn’t blend in and yet I wanted to be like everyone else. And I didn’t. My parents’ delivered the usual fucked-up conflicted…
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When I see my mom’s telephone number pop-up on my cellphone caller ID, I do the usual three-ring deliberation. Should I or shouldn’t I answer this call? The good angel tells me to pick it up because she is concerned for me. The bad angel tells me it might be the paramedic clicking on the…
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I encountered an action today that was so innocent and so unfamiliar to me, that I obsessed a day about it. I went on a movie date tonight with a guy who asked, “May I put my arm around you?” What the fuck? I barely watched the movie because I was doing a lifetime of…
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If you have seen Steve Martin in “LA Story,” you’ve seen all the LA clichés come alive. Four cars. Four stop signs. All the drivers are courteous and wave each other on. There appears to be a rhythm to these intersections. Up until today, I operated under the assumption that the first person stopped at…
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Today I went to a housewarming party of a friend from Virginia. I met a nice group of normal, adult people, but I had a few interesting observations. Like most metropolitan areas, I am finding it hard to find anyone FROM California. (Kind of makes you wonder how things got so weird out here and…
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Nice produce
▶︎I lived in New York a little less than four years. In that time, I learned to conserve going to the grocery store, even when I had a car. The less you buy, the less you have to haul upstairs. Endless, affordable restaurant selections make the decision to eat out that much easier. A four-…
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Anyone who knows me know there’s always a story in my life. Some things do not go right. I’m like that Peanuts character with the cloud swirling overhead. Everything about this relocation was going too smoothly. I was suspicious. Was Karma finally on my side, or was the unexpected just around the corner? I left…