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You know you live on the Rose Bowl parade route when….. you arrive home from work and you miss your driveway because Port-O-Johns are lined up in front of your building.
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I was 35 when I realized I should hire men to move me. I made enough money and so did my friends, so the lure of beer and pizza wasn’t enough of a motivator for them. For my four-block move in Brooklyn, I called a Man with a Van. The Russians showed up. They rule…
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The cards are pouring in. Neither Jesus nor Santa appears to be popular this holiday season. The statistics so far: Reference to Christmas: zero Reference to “Holidays”: 100% Use of holiday iconography such as snowmen or poinsettias: 22% Use of cats and dogs: 56% Use of offspring spawned from human loins: 22% Inclusion of generic…
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For someone who has always embraced technology, I’m sorely behind in one genre: video games. When I moved to L.A., I thought I’d get back into the interactive space. I quickly found out most of the agencies out here are attached to the gaming industry. “Do you have any gaming experience?” a freshly pierced 20-something…
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I have follower. Another friend has decided to cut her mother out of her life in order to preserve her sanity. “I’m on day ten. I have some guilt about it, but I haven’t felt this good in a long time,” she confessed. In order to avoid a relapse, I reminded her that bad mothers…
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After reading my blog, an editor of an online website targeting boys-to-men (the beloved 18 – 34 year old demographic) offered me a columnist job. I will be dispensing my relationship and dating stories biweekly. Little old me — shaping young minds, one penis at a time. The site has the editorial flavor of Maxim…
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While the body of the former is still getting cold, I elected to get back in the saddle again. What I got was the best damn date to-date in Los Angeles. I’ll spare you the details because when you use the words “beach” and “sushi” in the same story the “how long have you lived…
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Perhaps my moral fabric is frayed, but when did we, as a nation, make voting decisions based on morals? Now, if burning babies at the stake was a platform issue, I might be alarmed, but come on. In order to understand the motives of these Christians, most of who haven’t been to church this decade,…
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Since moving to Los Angeles, I have been waiting to feel an earthquake. Not a Northridge, but just a little shake to remind me where I live since I no longer get to experience blizzards or hurricanes. This morning when I turned my phone on, I had a voicemail from a friend who lives two…
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Day of rest
▶︎I woke up this morning after getting a full eight hours of sleep. Refreshed and whatever, I elected to go to yoga. We had a new, little instructor whose contortions could only be achieved by short, asian women. I did what I could and measured my success by the number of times I heard my…
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Only 12 more shopping days. That’s what they say. My registration card came today and I can vote early — by mail or touchscreen. I think I’ll go this weekend and check the crowd out, determine if there’s a user-friendly interface, and get my civic duty over with while the geezers are off at bingo….
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I had a certain amount of fear about returning to NYC. Within hours of arriving, I remembered why I left. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ready to rip the “I love NY” bumper sticker off my car. I am ready to call California home. Turbulence made my redeye sleepless but my eyes were open…
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Homecomings
▶︎Usually the excitement of an airport arrival centers on sleeping in my own bed. I know I am getting old when a firm mattress and 300-thread count sheets rock my world. This time was different. After returning from NYC, I was greeted by a man who missed me terribly and made the commute at 1:30…
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Code red
▶︎The Crazy Barbara threat level has been elevated. Today, 5:40 p.m. Eastern Cocktail Time, my mother left me a detailed voicemail. Somewhere between the grocery store, the post office, and the Moose Lodge she has met some computer geeks who could disable my computer. “They won’t do it, but they know people who will do…
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There are two goals in every woman’s life. The first is to meet prince charming. The second is to not turn out like your mother. My Anti-Crazy Barbara training has been a secondary career. I do periodically check-in with my brother to ensure my aspirations are on track. “Am I attempting to control the lives…
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With a simple apology he was back in my life The honesty overwhelmed me. I was right, he was wrong It wasn’t me, it was him. He was falling in love with me He wasn’t ready. Now he is. We picked up where we left off Starting over at the scene of the first date…
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LWH: BUNGER M a r n a: i got sumting pour vous, www.dontmincewords.com M a r n a: ta-dah LWH: hang on LWH: looove the photo LWH: you need a gleam sparkle thingy on your teeth LWH: i want to take the time to update myself on your blog. its fascinating LWH: but i’ll read…
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After a 12-year voting hiatus riddled in political apathy, I signed and mailed in my voter registration card. I checked the “other” political party box and wrote in “undecided.” Another incentive: permanent absentee voting. No more geezers, no more pollsters.
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I have a tattoo. Don’t tell my mother. I deliberated for three years. What font? What location? I enlisted several of my inked designers’ help in determining the ultimate coolness of my creation. In July 2002, I was in Key West, Florida celebrating a friend’s 40th birthday when I decided, “what the fuck.” We went…
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I retraced my steps trying to remember the exact moment I last touched my zipper. 7:30 p.m. I went to the bathroom after dinner. Prior to flush, I became mesmerized by one of the mirror-mirrors on the wall in the women’s room of Father’s Office. I guess I forgot to zip up, but I did…
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You ever wonder, with all this great technology out there, why our financial institutions can’t code our bank cards for our native language. They certainly have the direct mail function figured out. I’m really tired of getting asked if I want instructions in Spanish or English. My last name is Bunger. My ancestors are from…
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As I get closer to going back to NYC for a visit, I’m also being sent reminders of what it was like when I was there. Anyone that’s been on the F train knows Mr. Sonny Payne. He’s one of those anything-you-can-spare guys. I usually saw Sonny about once a week on my rides. When…
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Snip snap
▶︎In the heat of passion, sometimes you don’t respond logicially to questions you’d normally respond to with a laugh or a “what the fuck.” Now that a hand isn’t down my pants, I have time to think. Since the 1960’s, the Pill has been a symbol of sexual freedom for women. Within a few percentage…
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I made my reservations. I’m going back to New York to attend a friend’s first book signing. Nomi was part of my core writing group while in New York. That gang really pushed me and I thank them for the tough love. But I’m scared. I miss fall foliage. I miss pizza and real bagels….
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I get so tickled when people find my life exciting. On the whole, it really isn’t that exciting….except if you are married. If you are married, you read my blog to affirm that being blissfully tied to another might be one notch above dating in LA in your 30’s. Tonight Lauren, my absolute favorite lesbian,…
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The last vacation I took with Anne was to Mexico. Our usual fixed vacation agenda item is to try to eat nachos every day. For the Mexico trip, I went to Target and bought an economy box of condoms. We calculated that we’d have to have sex 1.7 times per day to finish the box….
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Have you ever been on a date and you think to yourself, “something isn’t right here.” After a good night’s sleep, I’m ready to Sunday morning quarterback my Saturday night date. I made the seven-mile schlep to Hollywood in record time. Going to Hollywood on a Saturday night is a chore that has to have…
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A good Virginia girl found love in California. I have proof, it is possible, but,as you would expect, the freak flag is flying high. The announcement states the couple had a double-tattoo ceremony. The bride tricked out her mother’s wedding dress. The groom wore white formal attire and derby embellished with kaleidoscopic braid and feathers….
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My email inbox always has a smattering of penis improvement pills, low mortgage rate loans, Russian teen porn, and reduced priced software. Today I was presented with a new offer. The promised land is in sight (or site as the web case may be). I can now meet “real” Christian singles. “If you are tired…
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A recent study published in the science journal, Nature, has determined that 60 cells are involved in the sexual behavior of a fruit fly. When they don’t work properly, male fruit flies cannot complete specific steps of the courtship ritual and are unable to reproduce. The courtship steps of a fruit fly include tapping the…
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I’m growing weary of dating. I’m losing the energy and enthusiasm to do it even when there’s a remote chance I might have a good time. I had a bizarre date Monday night and it has taken me days to write about it, thus denying myself the horror of recall until now. I’m at that…
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I suppose, next to hookers, I’m one of the few people that makes dating a worthwhile endeavor. I approach it from a no-fear perspective. If a date goes well, I’m happy and I’ll have something to talk about. If a date is a train wreck, I’ll get some verbal and written rubbernecking out of the…
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I’ve had a few strangers who read my blog write to ask if I’ve had the date with TGG (that gym guy) because they wanted to read about the date results. My response was, ‘Oh, I only blog bad dates. Good guys don’t make for good nonfiction.” I’m making an exception to the rule only…
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If a man has an increased interest in his aesthetic sense, does that make him a metrosexual? If he spends a great deal of time and money on his appearance and lifestyle, is he metrosexual? Back in the old days, we called that gay. I’m not sure where the term metrosexual came from, but I’m…
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I joked with a coworker recently that my personal tagline should be “Internet dating since 1996.” In addition, in the last five years, two of my jobs have been leads I found on the internet. Not anymore. The internet used to be a good place for jobs and dates. Now it has gone to the…
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I was in Vegas this weekend. It was my first time back since my trip in 2002 with Circus boy. I didn’t gamble, but it seemed only appropriate that I wait in line at the change cage. I got two rolls of quarters to do laundry when I got home. Damn smokers.
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You know what I don’t have in my dating story repetoire? I don’t have a I-met-a-guy-at-the-gym story. I actually don’t know anyone who does. I mean, I look my worst at the gym: uneven rub-on tan on the exposed infrequently shaven calves, an unsupportive sport bra that mashes my boobs to mid-gut, smeared mascara, red…
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My “Warning: Dating may induce vomiting” piece has been accepted in a collection of stories entitled “Sleeping With Snakes: Notes From The Los Angeles Underbelly.” Publishing date TBA. Who says bad dates don’t pay? Does this mean I can start writing off condoms and perfume on my taxes?
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Today the New York department of health interviewed me for the WTC survivors’ registry. This is a 20-year health study to monitor exposure impact and effects. You know what they asked me? They asked me if I was white. Not Caucasian, but w-h-i-t-e. One of the other choices was black. Not African-American, but b-l-a-c-k. We’ve…
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I’ve lived in Los Angeles almost a year now. It was bound to happen at some point, but I’m just happy the weather makes me near-comotose and nonreactionary. I had an interview for a consulting gig today. After going over my professional history and accomplishments, the interview closed with the following: “I just have to…
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When things get weird, I think about happy, simple times. For me, that would be college. I carried a full load, volunteered, worked, DJed and managed to find time to sample all the fresh beer in Farmville. One moment I will never forget was when the Beastie Boys Licensed to Ill record came out in…
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I never had a dowry, but my German background has blessed/cursed me with being well-endowed. Men would say…my personal pot of gold. Me and the girls have been hanging out for nearly 30 years now. I’m used to them. When my friend recently got a breast reduction, I was naturally curious to see if the…
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“I am sure our lives are pretty dull compared to yours. But isn’t that the way it always was? You have always lived life more fully, taken it by the horns more that the rest of us! Have fun in the sun you California girl:)” Sherri Thompson, 6/14/04 Richmond, Virginia
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When there’s no shortage of single guys in this town, why on earth would I choose to go out with a married man? I was experiencing writer’s drought and I needed material. Sam found my profile online and contacted me. He told me I had a nice big smile and seemed intelligent. I did my…
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Some people mark significant events in their lives by where they were. Well, I was eating a Swanson TV dinner when I watched Nixon resign, I was in biology class when someone heard on their Walkman radio that John Lennon had been shot, and I was walking out of the Fulton Street A/C subway stop…
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Whiz kid
▶︎It is always special when my nephews decide to call me. Tonight Dave, my 2.5 year old nephew, asked his mom to dial. He had something to tell me. “Aunt Mah-na? I went pee in the potty,” Dave announced. “You did? Does that mean you are a big boy?” I asked. “Yes, and I have…
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My esquire
▶︎When was the last time you heard an attorney say, “At this point, I’ll work for free. I haven’t delivered results and this is getting ridiculous.” It appears my esquire had hit the same blue wall of silence I’ve been living with for years. That statement almost made me cry at the office on Friday….
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The multi-billion dollar porn industry of LA breathed a sigh of relief today when their self-imposed filming moratorium was lifted. Last month, one of the male actors tested HIV-positive and passed it on to several other actors. As a result of the shut down, the local news agencies have been forced to cover the sexual…
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I got the call a little after 6 a.m. Grandma passed away after midnight. In March she was 92. She had her share of recent health problems; however, she really didn’t start living until Homer, her husband and my grandfather, passed away years prior. It was a remarkable transformation. She cut her waist-lengh hair short…
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“Wow, you don’t look 38. Maybe 31, but not 38. I’m 30 in August, so we’ll look the same age.” The bad angel on my left shoulder said, “Congratulations. You won. Now shut up and take your clothes off.”
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When I lived in New York, I encountered the best panhandlers the world has to offer. Now that I’ve been in LA a while, I have to say, I’m not impressed. NY bums have an angle and they understand marketing, no matter their mental faculties. I’ll toss money at a mother carrying a baby if…
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Farmacia
▶︎You know you are getting old when you go to Tijuana for drugs, not tequila. Today was my first trip to Tijuana and it was a drug run. No pictures with donkeys, ponchos, and sombreros. My friend was on a mission to lower her Rx costs. I was along for the ride, and possibly shopping….
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Is it wrong for me to give an eight year-old a quarter and hope he calls me in ten years? I’ve known sweet Aaron since diapers. We were reunited in Phoenix at Thanksgiving. I chased him around the house yelling, “I’m going to kiss you. Give Aunt Marna some hot loving.” He squealed with equal…
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Are men the reason there are lesbians? I’m beginning to believe it. Today I had one of those “what just happened here” moments where I shook my head. Did I miss something? For the first time in my life I got dumped by email – a true method for calibrating ball size. I’m realistic and…
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Today was a spontaneous day that evolved into a California cliché. That’s OK because I’ll do anything once as long as it doesn’t hurt small children/animals or involve Wolf Blitzer. Vivian called early in the morning and suggested we hit the Brentwood farmers market. Brentwood is an upscale neighborhood with $1M+ homes and famous folk…
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In the dating world, I would be considered the Dating Sensei and my mother would be my Grasshopper. She could learn a thing or two from me, and yet, she continues to wallow in semi-happiness and complacency. She has not learned from my lessons, but I have learned from hers. “This is all your fault,”…
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Ten and Two
▶︎When did we become passengers to our own creativity? It was probably when child restraint legislation was enacted in the 1980s. I was born in 1966 and my brother was born in late 1967. We LOVED going into the way back of our Rambler station wagon to play as our parents drove. That was also…
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Bedroom dirty talk is the convergence of creativity and tolerance. I’ve been a dirty talk connoisseur for about twenty years. I have classic and timeless standards. At this point, I rarely need to add to my repertoire. The other night, I heard a new one. I would be willing to bet that most people get…
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CG: Hey… how’s this for The Passion of Christ Happy Meal tie in at McDonalds…. a grape juice box, some dry crackers and a wash and dry CG: (to wash your hands of it all) M a r n a CB: LOL, you are bad. M a r n a CB: I think I want…
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It was a day of firsts for me. It started with a shot of wheat grass juice. It smelled like grass and tasted like freshly mowed greens should – good for you gross. I went hard core and passed on the orange slice chaser. That had to be for pussies. I survived just like I…
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It’s Valentines Day and I’m living in Brooklyn with my girlfriend of two and one-half years. What should I do today? Pay attention to my girlfriend? Take her to brunch? Give her flowers? Make love to her? Nah, I think I’ll call Marna. She knew me when I was commitment phobic…when I couldn’t introduce her…
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I’ve become one of them….one of those pansy-ass denizens of LA that has a mental meltdown when the near perfect weather changes. Monday night I remembered nothing is perfect and I was born with blonde hair. I was tired, cold and hungry and decided to gas up during high winds while sheets of rain poured…
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Catch-38
▶︎I’m probably the only woman who doesn’t lie about her age. Well, I do like telling 20-something boys I’m 29 just to see if they believe me. However, in the days before and after my birthday this year, I have to say, I’m ready to lie. “Wow, you are 38? I can’t believe you aren’t…
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I received an email out of the blue this morning from a friend from high school. We’ve probably chatted a dozen times since 1983. Today he sent an email in response to my holiday card. “Marna – In 11th grade psychology class all you talked about was the Jefferson Airplane, Moby Grape, and the never-ending…
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You know, I’m so thankful that Al Gore invented the internet and that I have this blog to publicly air my successes and grievances. You know what else this blog has done for me? It’s put the fear of Goddess in every man that comes in contact with me. What’s so different about a blog?…
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I’m going to be balls-out bold and state my usual Harry Met Sally position: Ex’s are ex’s for a reason. If I wanted to be your buddy, we’d probably still be dating. Yes, I’m great, get over it. Move on with your life. Send me a Christmas card and tell me all about it. R___,…