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Imagine
▶︎You always remember your first. While I wish I had been old enough to remember the death of icons such as Hendrix and Joplin, my first was John Lennon. I was in bed when he was gunned down, but I’ll always remember the next day like some people remember the JFK death train when it…
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What’s SUP
▶︎I’m not much of a team sports player. My junior high basketball career was cut short when my father accidently shaved my eyebrow off when he was “clipping” my bangs. The pre-teen WTF torture from the girls was more than I needed. I quit college lacrosse when I got popped in the mouth with a…
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Blow hard
▶︎I woke and treated SB Man’s body like a jungle gym to the point where I knew I didn’t have to go to 24 Hour Fitness. And, honestly, sex is a much better way to get the heart rate up, right? Little did I know, a couple hours later my 50-inch Munch “The Scream” blow-up…
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You know you are leaving Los Angeles when you can comfortably throw out your Thomas Guide, the non-GPS bible to getting around. I knew I was leaving when the fire trucks arrived. Your layoff lady of leisure is discontinuing her 61-week underemployment lifestyle. My nationwide job search finds me relocating to Santa Barbara, California for…
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When I was very, very young, my parents has a fabulous farting Dalmatian named Zip. From what I remember, she was your typical stupid, fence jumping Dalmatian. But she was also known as my nanny. Urban tale has it that she slept under my crib and woke my parents up one night when my puke…
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I wish I could say it’s hard to believe I’ve been out of work exactly a year today, but it’s true. I mentally assumed, based on the economy, my age, and my salary expectations, that my job search would be long. That’s why I immediately dubbed myself the “Layoff Lady of Leisure.” My new “job”…
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As you get older, sometimes you change. I’m shocked that some of my friends have become republicans or born again. I’m happy to report that, other than my sagging boobs, I haven’t changed. One of my unemployment projects has been ensuring all of my CDs have been ripped and added to iTunes. Yes, even Morrissey. …
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My inception
▶︎As of today, I’ve lived in Los Angeles seven years. It’s not really something to celebrate more than mark the time in awe. It has flown and yet it has stood still. I spent the afternoon with a New Yorker that relocated three years ago. She’s still adjusting, but mocks the place just like I…
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I’ve said it before. Interviewing for a job is just like dating. Do you have the same interests? Do you like women? Is there long-term potential? The downside to interviewing is you can’t give a fake name or sneak out the back door when you see you’ve made a bad decision. I had a funny…
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Once in a while I venture out of my zip code. Tonight was one part music – The Untouchables – and one part men, because when you leave West Hollywood it is like a field trip into straight-man territory. That means lipstick and heels for me. My girlfriend and I made it past the bouncer…
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In the mail on Monday, I received one of those friendly reminders from the local Honda dealership telling me that it was probably time to change oil. I realized I didn’t come close to hitting their high mileage estimate. I have become the little old lady of West Hollywood. Being laid off, there are days…
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To say Tex is my favorite pet isn’t fair to those before him, but rescuing, fostering, and adopting him has been a true experience. He is mellow and wise like Yoda. He makes me smile every day. I wanted to return the favor and throw a party for his 12th birthday. Getting people to West…
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Tonight the game was roulette and I was betting on odd. I finally worked up the courage to try Chat Roulette. Since I’ve had my share of creepy, weird guys, what are a few more? Let’s not forget that I am the old lady of the internet. I walked up hill both ways in the…
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My friends keep me in check. They also tease me about some of my more memorable dating and relationship decisions. A friend in New York recently called me laughing from a bar. “Oh my God, Marna. Magic Hat has a new hefeweizen out called “Circus Boy.” What ever happened to that fucking tool?” he asked….
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The Betty Ford Center will soon open a wing in my honor – for those suffering from unromantic Valentine’s Day addiction. My bender began in 1974. Mrs. Kessenger, my third grade teacher, engineered a project to get our class excited about Valentine’s Day. Or was it just her way of getting rid of the red…
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In my next life, I want to come back as a gay addict. The habit is TBD. All I know is these 12-step meetings are one-part sobriety maintenance and three-parts hookup. The gays in West Hollywood don’t need to online date. When they have free time, they go to a “meeting.” My Main Gay is…
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I’m pretty sure I’m never getting laid again, and I’m ok with it. Here’s why. My dog is in love with me. It was a long courtship of walks, parks, car rides, and movies on the couch. He waited to sleep with me for six months. Then one day when I came home on crutches…