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Today’s doctor appointment revealed that I could/may be cleared for sex and yoga in nine days. I have no good reason for why I am recovering so quickly except attitude, diet, and sex on deck. While Beans pre-alibied a December absence, he reappeared when I was in recovery. He’s been quite present ever since, helping…
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My little game of Cat and Doctor continued today as I returned to my plastic surgeon’s office with a Christmas card (“thanks for the great ass”) and my German apple bread (“because only a girl with good farm stock hips could bake like this”). He came around the corner from another room and announced my…
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I was alone, naked in a room with a hot doctor. There was only one thing I could do and that was flirt. My plastic surgeon was marking me up with a Sharpie. Cut lines and what not. This takes nearly a hour to do for a body lift. My idle conversation began with, “So…
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Can you get out of future bad behavior by paying forward with an apology? Yes you can. It’s called a pre-alibi. Beans called and recited a laundry list of business trips and other obligations he had during the month of December. He made it sound like he was being deployed and didn’t know when he’d…
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I’m sure many have speculated how long I would last without a TV. I’m a communications person with roots in public affairs. Wouldn’t I miss spin? Netflix? Or at the very least, Sponge Bob reruns? Yes, yes, and yes. My fall off the wagon began with my stereo receiver. It had served me well, but…
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When you hit a certain age, you realize there’s no great place to live. You are either in the ‘burbs with the marrieds, or in the cheap area surrounded by young ones and Bud. What’s that leave me? West Hollywood. I live in the least target-rich environment on earth. But the view is great. At…
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When you are in New York, you go to the Empire State Building. When you are in San Francisco, you go to the wharf. In DC, you at least drive by the White House. No stay in Los Angeles is complete without a visit to a plastic surgeon. I can now check that off my…
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Today I had two what-the-fuck moments within a two-hour period. Of course, ex’s were involved. I woke up to an email announcing that one of them was going to be in LA in November and he’d like to extend his visit to see me. While 9/11 sped up our inevitable breakup, what is more interesting…
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I met a 27 year-old boy last night for a date. They call me cougarlicious in the office and I was living up to it, until I did some basic math. Junior was cute, sweet and said the right things. Like, “Wow, you totally look like you are 31 at the most.” Nice. We continued…
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I remember in grad school, back in 1991, when we were predicting internet penetration rates. We didn’t think the internet would catch on because, at the time, there were still a large percentage of U.S. households without telephones. Soon, analog broadcasts will be discontinued and replaced with HD… approximately one-fifth of this nation still does…
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Blow out
▶︎My hair salon left a voice mail asking if I needed a blow dry with my gray root dye job tomorrow morning. “Hi, this is Marna calling back about my appointment tomorrow. I just need a dye job without the blow job.” Laughter. “Oh wait, I do, in fact, desperately need a blow job, but…
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I love going to the doctor. Last week it was the dentist. I like the small talk he makes while he scrapes and tells me what great teeth I have. Today it was the GYN. The new patient forms are always a killer. I decided to give creative answers to see if they actually read….
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I wouldn’t consider myself a fag hag. I love and respect anyone with good fashion sense and a keen ear for music which includes ABBA and the Scissor Sisters. As you can you imagine, with my open mind and open mouth, the gays flock to me. A friend coined the term “fruit fly.” I’ll own…
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I haven’t spoken to my mother in more than three years. Yes, I’m a Hater. Women who have joined my no-mother cult have experienced similar exhilaration and relief after radio silence. However, we all have our sound bites to dodge the mainstream how’s-your-family questions. Several days ago, I connected with a match.com guy who seemed…
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I’ve been in Los Angeles four years. It’s hard to believe my stay has exceeded my time in New York. My LA Story isn’t filled without a few ironies: Tan lines: For the past two years, I’ve had a vitamin d deficiency. Body image: I’ve had fewer dates since I’ve lost 120 pounds. Last night,…
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I don’t know what traditional child-rearing is, but I’m sure when I get together with my single-mother friends, the kid is bound to learn something. Mom and Kid arrived Friday night and requested what any land-locked resident would: sushi. We had fish alfresco where we could dine and scope out the pedestrian meat. Kid quickly…
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You may not know this, but Los Angeles has a subway. It doesn’t go anywhere, so I’ve never been on it even though the stop is three avenues over and three streets up from my house. However, when my boss invited me to a fundraiser downtown at an Irish pub, I knew I should look…
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There’s probably a 12-step program for me somewhere. It wouldn’t be sexual addiction, but maybe it’s fun addiction or baggage avoidance. Whatever it is and no matter how much I try to date men my own age, I find myself going back to younger stock. Last week, after I washed the gray right out of…
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I never believed that whole “sexual prime” business until shortly after my 30th birthday. I was horny all the time. Insanely unfair hormone levels. It hasn’t stopped. I went out with two friends Saturday night that are +/- 50. There’s no end in sight. I’ve learned the older you get, the more you really don’t…
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I’ve never been one of those need-a-man girls. I barely dated in high school and college because I had so many other interests besides stupid assholes. When I announced I was engaged at the age of 26, my friends were in awe. The person least likely to… was. It was no shock to most when…
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Ever notice how geezers will wax nostalgic about some car they used to have decades before? Last night, as my life flashed before me, I fondly thought of my Jetta and nearly shed a tear. That five-speed was spunky and the turning radius could have been envied by the NYPD. What I loved most about…
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I think Freud, Jung, Dr. Phil, Dr. Spock, and Judge Judy would all agree we learn through example. I’m starting to feel like I could probably never parent except remotely while wearing an orange jumpsuit making a call from the yard. My “example” was a walnut-stained, one-inch piece of plywood with a leather hang cord….
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I’m number one. I don’t usually consider Spring my season. I’m more of a fourth quarter girl; however, the tides are changing. Two very unusual things happened to me recently. I got a full-time, permanent job and a boyfriend within the same 30 days. Nearly all my jobs have been fourth quarter hires where I’m…
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… vas Indeferens I’m neutral about the whole idea of spawning. I hate the fact my married-with friends live vicariously through me and start their sentences with, “I love my kids but…” I’ve seen friends and family age exponentially after creation of their nuclear family. I really like sex and love beer and those are…
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In LA, there’s a category of women I call “the meal hunters.” They date to eat. While a girl’s gotta eat, I’d rather stay home with unshaved legs and pop open a can of tunafish. I date to meet. Last night I had a first date with a man who suggested we go to dinner….
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When real guy started behaving like typical guy, I knew it was time to evaluate what I wanted against what we could accomplish together. When he said, “I’m not really a relationship guy,” I knew it was time to utter my favorite four-lettered word. NEXT. I didn’t realize it was Valentine’s Day until one of…
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Growing up, I had this thing about being different… to the point where my parents said, “why can’t you be like everyone else?” This continues in my adult life. The New York Times analyzed recent census data and discovered more American women are living without a husband than with one. That’s right. As my sweet…
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I’ve had two serious relationships since I’ve lived in Los Angeles. My west coast operational definition of serious is a) they know my last name; b) they know where I live; and c) they say they are emotionally evolved enough to want a relationship. In both cases, the liaisons dissolved on or before the 60-day…