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Christmas is for kids. As we get older, it’s never as fun. The fun dissipates when you have to get in a car or get on a plane to go home for the holidays. I just got back from a Palm Springs holiday weekend with Mr. WednesdayBeforeLast and realized there’s no place like not being…
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Los Angeles isn’t normal. My dates are usually abnormal. So when I finally found a normal guy, it’s only natural that the date take an unusual turn. We clicked in email and on the phone, so phase three – the meeting – was booked. The chemistry was almost immediate as we sipped our green teas…
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When your kid says something hilarious and sexual, who are you going to call? Today my brother felt I was the best contact. My nephew, Dave, is days away from turning four years old. He’s a combination of a goofy frat boy and a comedian. In a sense, he’s got my genes. Tonight before bed…
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I got over that metrosexual man thing more than a decade ago when I realized my husband used more hair products than I did. It wasn’t the ‘80s, after all. So when I met a man who said he was in touch with his inner lesbian and he’d come over and fix my furnace on…
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In Los Angeles, we don’t make a move in our car without checking SigAlert. This useful website helps us plan around idiot drivers. What it doesn’t help with is the trouble we may find when we reach our destination. I agreed to drive to Long Beach for a first date tonight. Going 34 miles in…
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More than four years ago, I planned a well-deserved vacation to Mexico with two girlfriends. We had all been working hard and were ready to play hard. As part of our “fun” incentive package, I went to Target and got an economy box of condoms for us. Our goal was finish the box by the…
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I realized the other day that my “monthly” bleeding has had approximately a 360 month run. That’s a 30-year term. Will I ever hold the deed to my pussy? Will Proctor & Gamble release the consumer stronghold it has on my bleed box? I did some basic math and determined I’ve spent $2,156.50 on feminine…
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Dating is an exhausting exercise, but I support my friends as they venture out there. What is more tiring is when they have a bad experience and state, “I thought this kind of crap only happened to you, Marna.” Once again, I have to repeat IT’S BAD ALL OVER. Marci was approached online by a…
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Ana and I were in the air, on our way to a photo shoot in Denver, when I told her I wanted to conduct an experiment. “I hear when you leave LA, guys pay attention to you. Let’s see if that’s true,” I said. Little did I know I wouldn’t have the energy to get…
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My friends mean well. They look out for me. Last week was no different. Wall Street Pete called about a $5,000 opportunity. He heard K-ROCK 92.3FM was having a “tramp stamp” contest. I began listening to him years ago when he suggested I pay attention to a pre-IPO biotech stock. “You will win. You have…
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There are seven words that every writer hates hearing. “When are you going to be published?” My day job continues to get in the way of my professional development. I received an email this weekend from a friend who periodically checks in. The last time I heard from him he was laughing and threatening to…
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He’s white, 14 inches and his name is Mac. Right now, he’s giving me more pleasure than any prior pieces of hardware ever could. They say once you go Mac, you’ll never go back. I think I’ll keep him around and cancel the cat idea.
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Tie the knot
▶︎When you are in your 30’s and dating, the subject of marriage is tough to tackle in the initial courtship period. There are so many reasons why (or why not) someone has married. I generally don’t ask and assume every man I date is either divorced or about to change teams. The big reveal is…
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When it comes to direct hits, men of color have always been first responders to my looks. My almost blue-white creamy skin could guide planes in at LAX. The hair isn’t blond, which is a rarity in this town. The whole package is not what men are used to seeing, so they react. Latin men…
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Kung Fu grip
▶︎As anyone with back pain will tell you, when you find relief it is as if the clouds parted and the angels sang. You remember what it is like to move again. And live. My lower back has been tight since my episode in early July. My mobility was limited and I lived every day…
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Since airfares are what they are right now, Marci decided to go Greyhound to Pittsburgh. For $78 round trip, she couldn’t beat the price which was the equivalent of a round trip cab to deep Brooklyn. Her return trip home made taking the bus an unbelievable yet worthwhile experience. In the depot she noticed a…
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In my mailbox between the Bed, Bath & Beyond 20 percent off coupons, I sometimes get a great direct mail piece. I rarely open them up unless there’s a cleaver design I could copy for a future campaign at the office. When I received classy invitation-stock from The Neptune Society, I felt compelled to see…
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I don’t look like anybody I’VE ever met, but it seems people always know someone that looks like me. I’ve been told I look like Bette Midler, Minnie Driver as well as somebody’s cousin. Today I was hit with a new celebrity look alike when some old guy told me I looked like Janis Joplin….
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Pain for women is a relative thing. We tolerate a lot of crap. Until my recent back episode, I’d never really had pain that I couldn’t handle. Monday I found out that some unexplained occurrences in my life were actually gallstones. Yes, gallstones, they aren’t for little old ladies anymore. When I received the test…
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While UN inspectors span the globe looking for weapons of mass destruction, I believe I’ve found something more dangerous that must be contained: family. You can choose your friends and your weapons, but you can’t get around your family. In my small, extended family, I’m generally characterized as the whacky, risk-taking pioneer that marches to…
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I was jacked up on caffeine this evening and decided to try something new. I went to the gym at 9 p.m. I had a date with sweat. With my Ipod on random, I listened to my gym playlist while reading the close-captioning of “Notting Hill” on screen. Despite the multiple stimuli, I was also…
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I selfishly went to Comic-Con in San Diego this weekend in search of material. I was hoping it was going to be a room of adult male virgins and other random freaks. It turned out to be like Washington Square Park on a weekend, except with an inordinate amount of families. When did comics, animation,…
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Today is the second anniversary of my arrival to California and I’ve determined that 80 percent of my shoe collection is now open-toed.
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The reflex
▶︎I hear the new moon is falling in Cancer right now. I don’t know what that means. I do know I received a few signs lately that prompted me to call my ex-husband. Husband? Yeah, I was married for 26 months, or .3 dog years. Our divorce was official around Valentine’s day 1995. The last…
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I noticed the reduced flexibility and tightness in my lower back many months ago. While I could still flip my legs over my head and be smothered by my boobs and gut in yoga class, I decided to see a chiro to determine if an adjustment would help me be more nimble. Three weeks of…
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Since moving to Los Angeles, I’ve been waiting. Waiting for a sign I really do live here. Twenty-two months later, I finally felt my first earthquake. I was asleep when the bed moved side-to-side while the window rattled. It woke me up and I assumed it was the Mexicans renovating the apartment above me. Three…
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As a freewheeling, easy spirit, I’ll try anything once as long as it doesn’t hurt kids, animals, or involve Wolf Blitzer. Today, I received an invitation to go to ComicCon (is it a full moon?). This is a geekfest on par with a Star Trek convention, except the guys wear the pointy ears and Superman…
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I was hit last night by something in my sleep. It’s the tenth anniversary of the death of my father. Since that time, I’ve made several discoveries. Getting to know him in death has been very interesting. The man who used to make me cry when I couldn’t grasp my math homework was actually a…
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This guy, let’s call him my boyfriend, asked a very difficult question recently. “So, when are you going to write about me?” I gave my standard response, “I only write about bizarre LA dates and people that screw up. I actually like you.” I’m not sure if his ego kicked in, or if he wanted…
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For many today is a day scarier that watching a son get circumcised. More perplexing than knowing your daughter does drugs and more horrific than wondering if you should do anything for your partner for Valentine’s Day. Mother’s day incites fear in most. What do you get the woman who says she has everything? Or…
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I’m starting to become the conduit for bad date stories. I have enough of my own to go around, but it is disheartening to wonder if anyone in their 30s is successful in dating. April has been a parade of fools. My one girlfriend had to hit the eject button after her boyfriend stated he…
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My friend’s 15 year-old daughter just told me on the phone, “oh my god, my mother is insane, you have to do something.” I bit the inside of my cheek, tried to hold back the laughs until I spurt out, “Oh, honey, get used to it. You’ve got about another 40 years before relief is…
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A dear, Jewish friend from New York called to wish me a happy Easter. She jokingly asked if I was going to church on Sunday. “God, no. I just found a new yoga instructor I like and her only class in Pasadena is Sunday at 10:30 a.m.,” I replied. She began laughing hysterically. I didn’t…
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What makes dating worthwhile? The stories I suppose. But at what age do the stories become cliché and you give up dating and invest in a rocking chair and cats instead? This morning, a friend told me about her Saturday night date with a 47 year-old man. She cooked dinner and they had hot monkey…
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I’ll let you take a 70 percent pay cut, train you to kill, then let you come home to possibly be court-martialed. How’s that sound? I relocated to New York during the Silicon Alley boom to work with Ilario Pantano, a tall, good-looking NYU grad. The independent film company, Shooting Gallery, was starting up an…
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When in Rome
▶︎When you do not want to be like everyone else in eighth grade, what do you do? You take French classes. I followed through with that language in high school and college. Now I live in Los Angeles and I’ve learned an important lesson. Why didn’t I take Spanish? I need to take a conversational…
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I’m closing in on the 10th anniversary of my divorce. Don’t worry; I don’t have a “get bitter” reminder set in Outlook. I had to ask myself how long has it been because yesterday I got hit on. I didn’t realize it until about three hours later. When it did dawn on me, I understood…
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Catch-22
▶︎How a year of dating in Los Angeles made me appreciate books and batteries My 2004 resolution challenge was dating bulimia – I would date as much as possible until I got sick. I feasted on the men of Los Angeles while Kathleen, a friend in New York, did the same. Our goal was to…
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The eve of my 39th I’m a little nervous about our relations. He hasn’t gotten any more than a good night kiss. That’s all I’ve given him, Stella. I want his respect. And men don’t want anything they can get too easy. On the other hand, men lose interest quickly, especially when a girl is…
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Where there is porn, there is profit. Except in my case. Today I received my last paycheck for my bi-weekly men’s column. As a dot-com survivor, I knew it would happen. When I asked the editor/owner of the site what his revenue model was prior to signing my contract, he responded, “well, we just started…