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On December 7th, I had a young coworker come to me about a Facebook post he saw. “Hey Marna, am I an ass? A friend just posted ‘Don’t Forget Pearl Harbor’ on his wall. I just thought it was a little odd,” he stated. I thought about it, knowing a lot of these kids today,…
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Dixie was getting her last walk of the night when I noticed a white car rolling by really slow. When it parked illegally, I paid more attention while Dixie watered a bush. A girl I didn’t recognized jumped out of the car and said, “Marna, is that Dixie?” This woman was introduced to me online…
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I was vegan for six months before I moved to Santa Barbara. I fell off the wagon when I began to date a guy who could cook and had a gas grill the size of a double wide. Carne asada was my new best friend. That relationship ended, buy my affair with meat continued. One…
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I hate texting, but once in a while it’s fun to see a “conversation” unfold. This is between me and AMFINS (a male friend I never screwed). Two single adults, home on a Saturday night, drinking, watching TV, and texting. AMFINS: I’m drunk. You aren’t. Me awesome. ME: I’m catching up. AMFINS: Fucking drunk. Meeeeee….
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I completed my graduate degree at night while working a full-time job during the day. When I finished, I didn’t read for a year. No books, no newspapers, no magazines. I was so burnt out from school, it was my way to detox and feel in control of my free time. Since then, I’ve taken…
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I had date with another 61 year-old. No, not the sexter, but a new one. It made me realize that I just can’t pull off the older-guy thing. How do the mid-life crises guys date women half their age? What do they talk about? John was charming on the phone and eager to meet me…
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Nothing makes me happier than nachos and beer except being in a large city in a different country and STILL being thankful I’m not having sex. On the way back from a bookstore (because that’s where single, middle-aged ladies go after work on business trips), I stopped by a brew pub to abuse my per…
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If a penis grows in the bed and no one is around to see it, is it really hard? Thanks to sexting, I know the answer to that question. Bones is a 61 year-old Santa Barbara man who found me online. We spoke on the phone and he was able to dialogue quite nicely, so…
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When the going gets tough, the tough go girlie. It’s been nearly 18 months since I’ve seen a penis. The real, in-front-of-you kind, not the creepy ChatRoulette cyber ones. This has been the longest dry spell I’ve had since I gave it all up at senior prom. But as I get older, I seem to…
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Months ago I was convinced I should return to Virginia for Longwood College’s Decade of the ’80s Reunion. The last time I went, it was the ’90s and I learned beer bongs were out and keg stands were in. (Some nice frat boys taught me the basics. They thought I was classy because my bottle…
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Newman’s brewery memorial service was well attended. An amazing cat who can really get people to turn out!
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Today I said goodbye to the greatest cat on earth. Newman was two parts obnoxious and one part dog. He was the kind of cat that dog-owning cat haters liked. He could take on the meanest of blue jays and give a dog a face bath in the same day. His purr should of been…
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Doctor Crack
▶︎I was excited when two people referred me to the same chiropractor. He must be good. Or is Santa Barbara just that small? After an x-ray, my tall, age-appropriate, good-natured chiro told me my L4 ain’t what it used to be. Long hours sitting at a desk, age, and who knows what else have pulled…
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I hate texting in new relationships and have destained the medium long before my run-in with Billy , the artist who painted mangled women. When you don’t know someone, let alone their sense of humor, a text falls flat every time. Gary recently contacted me from an online dating site. We emailed through the site…
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I used to see a lot of interesting things when I lived in West Hollywood. But when you mix creatives with gays, you are bound to see some great stuff. In Santa Barbara, when you mix stray hairs with a good sunrise, you get the perfect plucking storm. And then some. My “it’s going to…
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I ran into The Schnauzer tonight on a walk home. It has been nearly a year since we had our short-lived “relationship.” He pulled over and asked me if I had time to talk or if I had to get home to “Dixie.” That was impressive he remembered the dog’s name. The last time I…