Dont Mince Words

Tex, Spring 2008*

When I was very, very young, my parents has a fabulous farting Dalmatian named Zip.  From what I remember, she was your typical stupid, fence jumping Dalmatian.  But she was also known as my nanny.  Urban tale has it that she slept under my crib and woke my parents up one night when my puke overflowith.  I was still a single-digit age when my parents shipped Zip off to a “farm” in Great Falls, Virginia, where she could “retire” and chase squirrels.  It took many, many years before I realized that was my parents’ way of giving me the easy let down.  I never forgave them.  Until now.

I’ve never had to put a dog down until today.  Tex was recently diagnosed with severe heart disease (all ventricles clogged) as well as tumors on his heart and spleen.  While I have blamed his hip dysplasia on a lot, this diagnosis actually explained his monolithic slow down.  I knew fostering and eventually adopting a senior dog was going to be a short-term tragedy.  But Tex was seriously a gentle giant and so fucking cool.  I want to believe dogs like that deserve to live a very long life.

Everyone that has come into contact with Tex has been touched by his mellowness.  He also picked up where Zip left off.  Six months into our “relationship,” I had outpatient foot surgery.  When I came home, my girlfriend deposited me on the couch loaded on painkillers and she made sure my foot was elevated.  Hours later, the dog walker came in only to find Tex on top of me, like a hen protecting her chick.  That night, after I wobbled on crutches to go to bed, Tex snuck into my bed and watched me all night.

He’s slept with me every night since until recently when he took up residence by the front door.  His all-time favorite thing was a car ride where he could hang his head out of the window and woof air.  Now he’d just lay in the back seat, not even getting up to look out during stop signs.  Even food, his primary motivation, barely interested him.

And this is when I had to make the same decision my parents had to make decades ago    – where the zest and love of life has left the beast and the shell remains.  Tex left this world with me rubbing his pumpkin head and paws.  We’ve had a charmed 2.5 years together.  For better or worse, Tex has been the best date/relationship I’ve had in Los Angeles, and I’ve dated some real dogs.

There is never a good time to end an animal’s life.  I understand that, finally.  I feel Tex’ time was now and I can only hope, in his retirement, he gets to meet Zip, and those that followed, to talk about me over a few good bones and squirrels. Tex, you will be missed.  My walks and hikes will never be the same, but when I see a squirrel, I’ll think of you and your alert, squared off ears, looking up the trunk of the tree.

Marna and Tex, September 2010

*Photo courtesy of LA Woman Photography

I’m pretty sure I’m never getting laid again, and I’m ok with it.  Here’s why.  My dog is in love with me.

It was a long courtship of walks, parks, car rides, and movies on the couch.  He waited to sleep with me for six months.  Then one day when I came home on crutches from foot surgery and he sprung into action.  While I was konked out on painkillers with my iced foot propped up on the couch, he climbed up and laid on top of me, like a hen on her chick.  I woke up when my dog walker came in and exclaimed, “oh my god Marna, are you ok?”  He reluctantly left for his walk.

Later that evening, my K9 nurse climbed into bed with me and slept with his head on my stomach watching me.  We’ve pretty much been sleeping together ever since – me and my 85-pound dog in a queen-size bed.

After Christmas, our relationship went to the next level.  He now wants to put his head on my shoulder and the pillow.  I was too tired to protest and move him the first night, then I realized his light snoring (similar to this dog) puts me to sleep faster than a wave machine.

I’m not sure what I’m doing right in this relationship, but it’s working.  I’ll take an old, rescued dog over a middle-aged man with baggage any day.  Tex is in it for the long haul.

I realize for most parents, one of their early happiest days are when their kid can wipe their own ass and make a meal.  For me, it’s the two- to three-year old age bracket when they’ll repeat a cuss word unexpectedly.  I laugh, the parents cringe.

Today I was in Petco with Tex, my only begotten son.  We were on a quest for pumpkin-head sized reindeer antlers.  I know, it’s gay and he’s going to kill me in my sleep, but I live in West Hollywood where the average dog weight is six pounds.  This 85-pound American Bulldog can’t compete with the sweater-wearing purse puppies except with seasonal accessories.  So we were in the aisle with the pet pee squirt bottles, rug piss shampoo, smell be-gone, etc.. My dog lifted his leg and pissed on the bottom rack of urine sprays.  Ironic, I know, and glorious at the same time.  I began laughing, then I quickly looked to see if anyone saw.  I thought about cleanup, for two seconds, and then figured someone else would enjoy the pee puddle irony and laugh too.

My dog doesn’t bark or cuss, but it is little things like this that make him more fun than a toddler.