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“Change your criteria and open yourself up to something different. I would of never met my husband if I hadn’t,” said a coworker. So I did. And I went on a date with a 66 year-old man from Tinder. The conversation was great so I decided I could do this. For our second date, he…
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Yesterday was my first time in an office since 9/11. I thought I could handle it given the amount of time elapsed. I spent a lot of time taking calls outside and pacing. The truth is, I prefer to be at home with the TV volume on low as names of the dead are recited.…
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I thought I could last a while without getting another dog, but the older I get the more I know dogs are the best companions. And much more fun than dating. When I was cruising Petfinder a little too frequently, I knew it was time. I wanted a senior dog, big was OK, but it…
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On average, there are about 15-18 available guys for me in Richmond on just about any dating site. My simple criteria is 47-57, within 25 miles, bachelor’s degree, and divorced with grown kids. Those numbers go up a little on Tinder primarily due to the truckers on I-95 and the pilots at the airport. So,…
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You would think, at a certain age, men and women would figure out dating. When Andy said he wanted to be exclusive, but his actions said otherwise, I didn’t hear from him and he never heard from me. Mutual ghosting. However, this is Richmond and the pool is small, so I figured he would circle…
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Andy and I never seemed to be able to connect. In the Fall, we met on Bumble then I guess we got distracted by the holidays. He resurfaced right after my birthday in January. We hit it off on the phone and met for a drink. He seemed like a perfectly decent Mr. Right Now…
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I made a hasty decision agreeing to meet John. We’d talked on the phone once and texted for a day, but he was eager and I was bored. I knew I was in trouble when, four hours before before meeting, he asked me how I felt about shorts. “I usually don’t make the switch until…
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Fall is here
▶︎My girlfriends and I joke about fall “hunting” season. This is when all our online dating sites and app inboxes get jammed with men trying to find love before it gets cold. They need someone to make hot wings while they watch “the game” and someone to keep them warm at night. Two years ago,…
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I’ve been internet dating for 20 years. It started with AOL chatrooms and evolved to yahoo groups, listservs, websites and modern-day apps. — all delivering the same, often depressing, experience. Two years ago, a friend suggested I see a matchmaker. He’d heard she had good results. I figured, why not go old school. I was…
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“Girl, look at that red hair and that gray stripe. Wow. And those toes. Yeah. I’d like to suck on those. You taken? Cause I’d like to take you?” said the black guy in front of me at 7-11. Hard to believe just 20 minutes prior, I was playing Super Mario Cart with a 7-year-old…
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A married-with friend was recently visiting the MaxiPad for the first time. He took me up on my beer offer and I opened my freezer to pull out a chilled pint glass. He took a picture and sent it to his wife. When I asked him why, he said, “You can tell you don’t have…
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I like Fall. I like rain. I don’t mind one minor (< six inches) snowstorm a year. When blizzard conditions were forecasted for my birthday weekend, it was just another excuse to stock up. My southern California dog and I were ready. Blizzards aren’t new to me. I was born during one. However, my snow…
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Driving home after Christmas on I-95 is no treat. It gets worse when you look at traffic maps and see red lines from south Jersey to northern Virginia. I was presented with a gift 30 miles from home after already being in the car eight hours. I felt that weird, oh-crap feeling and pulled off to…
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I can write good headlines. I can sell you shit you didn’t know you needed. I can write a lead that will get an editor to call. And I can write a cute note about your OKCupid profile that will make you click the reply button or swipe right. Greg was the first guy EVER…
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I’m an optimist, right? I have to be given I’ve been internet dating for 20 years. But if something is too good to be true, it probably is. Right? Ralph was a good match according to OKCupid. And he was my type of guy – cut to the chase and don’t waste time. We exchanged…
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I love trends, especially when they save me time and money. Since granny gray is in, it was time to have a chat with my hairdresser. I’ve been coloring my hair since I was a teenager. My first gray hair appeared before I was packed for college. I’ve been some shade of red ever since. At…
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Nothing makes me feel more alive than visiting New York. It also gives me an excuse to wear all my black t-shirts. After I arrived in Penn Station, I helped five people with directions. I told the last person I had not lived there since 2003. “Wow, you just really look like you know what…
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When the Tinder app launched, I was living in Santa Barbara where the dating population was either college-age or retirement age. I didn’t see the point. Imagine my surprise when a girlfriend visiting from Florida admitted she met her long-term boyfriend there. “You have to get on it,” she said. I still subscribe to the…
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Brian found me online. You know I’ve all but given up, but when digital me reels in a live one, I still have to respond. After the usual rapid fire round of screening questions, we determined we were both looking for a relationship – nothing casual. We graduated to texting, then live phone on Monday…
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You know what the start to a perfect day is? Freshly ground coffee? Bacon frying? A blow job? Today, for me, it was a perfectly coiled crap in the toilet. You know, one of those “no way!!!!” works of art that you really feel will never be duplicated. Don’t worry, I didn’t take a picture. I did…
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The night before, Robert decided it would be cool if we just went to brunch for a date. A girl’s gotta eat, so 10 a.m. it was. I could finally check Millie’s brunch off my bucket list. I texted 15 minutes prior to let him know I was on my way, but walking. I got…
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I rushed back from a quick weekend with an old girlfriend to have a date. With Dixie in the car and my luggage in the trunk, I went to Panera for my second date of the year. Or at least it was my second date of the year at the same Panera (their choice, not…
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I sold my first house, the sweat-equity 1908 money pit, in 1998. Since that time, I’ve lived in four states and had 12 different addresses. I consolidated my stuff down to the bare necessities and when I got laid off the last time, I sold everything and UPSed 18 boxes to Virginia. I’ve been in…
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When a brewpub opened called The Answer, I had to go. I strategically scheduled an offsite meeting with my graphic designer at 4:30 p.m. to check out the 30+ taps. After a month on the job, we still had to finalize our corporate world domination plans. I believe I was on beer number three when a…
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OK go…away
▶︎Yeah, I want a man that cannot string together a sentence. Hello gorgeous whoa what a beautiful day,you looking sweet and outstanding am sorry for my bad manners but your beauty just took away my heart beats. how come you looking so pretty and lovely good looking , i will like to know you more…
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I’m relatively tall, so finding available tall, age-appropriate men is a challenge and it has been for decades. I was blasted with “height discrimination” responses when my LA Times piece ran. Now I’m a decade older and a half-inch shorter. I have relaxed my standards on a case-by-case basis and I continue to not learn…
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I hate beginning new relationships late in the year. I freeze activity from Thanksgiving through Valentine’s day in order to avoid awkward invites to family events and eat bad chocolate. This year I was moving across country, getting settled, and dealing with my mother’s death. It was a perfect time not to date. I kicked…
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My biggest fear when I moved to Virginia in the winter was exercise. I know, I know. But in Santa Barbara and Los Angeles I did a lot of walking and hiking. To move and immediately get hit with single-digit temps was scary. Five additional pounds later and I developed a solution based on my…
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The scariest thing a woman has to do in a new town is find a hairdresser. It is even harder when you have wavy or curly hair. There’s an art to it. Thanks to Yelp, I found a hairdresser that could deal with me and impart wisdom at the same time. Kate went to my…
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I’m embarrassed to admit my first date of the year was in December, but after living in Santa Barbara it’s easy to give up on dating. As a distraction from the fleas I was dealing with, I agreed to meet Mike for lunch. When he suggested Ruby Tuesday’s, I knew I was going to get…
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The welcome to Virginia sign was a relief after traversing Tennessee. While Virginia may be open for business, I hope Virginia also has jobs and single, emotionally evolved men over the age of consent. Dixie and I travelled 2900 miles and everyone was right – as long as she was with me, she was fine. …
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With a good night’s rest, Dixie and I set out to see The King first thing in the morning. We were there early enough to get lots of dog humilating pictures in before the old folks came for their 10 a.m. tours. The mansion is preserved to its 1970’s glory – lots of shag and…
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Today was our power-through day – 585 miles – and it was probably good timing because Dixie is “getting” that we aren’t going home and we live in the car. I had every intention to stop at the Oklahoma City bombing memorial but we kept going. We lost major time east of OKC where I…
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While the drive to Blythe Wednesday was awful, it was still a smart decision instead of driving straight to Phoenix on Thanksgiving. Dixie and I logged 157 miles and intended to eat and keep going. But I got talked out of driving to 6000′ at night. So, I drank more wine, ate turkey while Dixie…
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The same day Kelly MacLean’s Surviving Whole Foods satire went viral, I found myself at Whole Foods enjoying a similar experience. My basket was light by design. I can’t afford the place, but I dabble in organic and raw and they do have great fresh fish. I got raw organic almonds because I make my…
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When you put your children in the hands of others so you can go to work, you have to trust caretakers will do the right thing. The same is true when you pay a dog walker to give your 70-pound dog a mid-day stroll. Today I realized I never taught Dixie the “kill the hipster…
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I’ve lived in California for 10 years and I’m still not sure I’m used to it. But like others, I’m numb, and without seasons I never know how fast time is passing. California is everything everyone told me it would be. “It will be hard to meet good people.” I wouldn’t say good, but genuine. …
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I had a date Saturday at 3:30 p.m. at Olive Garden. He called ahead and asked if there was a corkage fee. I took his bottle home with me instead. You can write the end of this story. I make bad decisions when people pressure me for new dating material.
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I willingly admit that most women are batshit crazy, men are assholes, and collectively, dating is hard at any age, anywhere. But I’m telling you, the men outdo themselves in California (legalized marijuana?). I used to think I was just perimenapausal and I was losing interest in men, but the truth is, each interaction I…
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Today was the 40th anniversary of the landmark Roe v. Wade decision and my first date of the new year. Two days from now, I become a less-remarkable 47 year old. The one constant in my life is the light in my car is the best for tweezing unwanted hairs. Nutty week, right? First natural…
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On December 7th, I had a young coworker come to me about a Facebook post he saw. “Hey Marna, am I an ass? A friend just posted ‘Don’t Forget Pearl Harbor’ on his wall. I just thought it was a little odd,” he stated. I thought about it, knowing a lot of these kids today,…
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Dixie was getting her last walk of the night when I noticed a white car rolling by really slow. When it parked illegally, I paid more attention while Dixie watered a bush. A girl I didn’t recognized jumped out of the car and said, “Marna, is that Dixie?” This woman was introduced to me online…
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I was vegan for six months before I moved to Santa Barbara. I fell off the wagon when I began to date a guy who could cook and had a gas grill the size of a double wide. Carne asada was my new best friend. That relationship ended, buy my affair with meat continued. One…
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I hate texting, but once in a while it’s fun to see a “conversation” unfold. This is between me and AMFINS (a male friend I never screwed). Two single adults, home on a Saturday night, drinking, watching TV, and texting. AMFINS: I’m drunk. You aren’t. Me awesome. ME: I’m catching up. AMFINS: Fucking drunk. Meeeeee.…
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I completed my graduate degree at night while working a full-time job during the day. When I finished, I didn’t read for a year. No books, no newspapers, no magazines. I was so burnt out from school, it was my way to detox and feel in control of my free time. Since then, I’ve taken…
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I had date with another 61 year-old. No, not the sexter, but a new one. It made me realize that I just can’t pull off the older-guy thing. How do the mid-life crises guys date women half their age? What do they talk about? John was charming on the phone and eager to meet me…
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Nothing makes me happier than nachos and beer except being in a large city in a different country and STILL being thankful I’m not having sex. On the way back from a bookstore (because that’s where single, middle-aged ladies go after work on business trips), I stopped by a brew pub to abuse my per…
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If a penis grows in the bed and no one is around to see it, is it really hard? Thanks to sexting, I know the answer to that question. Bones is a 61 year-old Santa Barbara man who found me online. We spoke on the phone and he was able to dialogue quite nicely, so…
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When the going gets tough, the tough go girlie. It’s been nearly 18 months since I’ve seen a penis. The real, in-front-of-you kind, not the creepy ChatRoulette cyber ones. This has been the longest dry spell I’ve had since I gave it all up at senior prom. But as I get older, I seem to…
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Months ago I was convinced I should return to Virginia for Longwood College’s Decade of the ’80s Reunion. The last time I went, it was the ’90s and I learned beer bongs were out and keg stands were in. (Some nice frat boys taught me the basics. They thought I was classy because my bottle…
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Doctor Crack
▶︎I was excited when two people referred me to the same chiropractor. He must be good. Or is Santa Barbara just that small? After an x-ray, my tall, age-appropriate, good-natured chiro told me my L4 ain’t what it used to be. Long hours sitting at a desk, age, and who knows what else have pulled…
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I hate texting in new relationships and have destained the medium long before my run-in with Billy , the artist who painted mangled women. When you don’t know someone, let alone their sense of humor, a text falls flat every time. Gary recently contacted me from an online dating site. We emailed through the site…
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I used to see a lot of interesting things when I lived in West Hollywood. But when you mix creatives with gays, you are bound to see some great stuff. In Santa Barbara, when you mix stray hairs with a good sunrise, you get the perfect plucking storm. And then some. My “it’s going to…
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I ran into The Schnauzer tonight on a walk home. It has been nearly a year since we had our short-lived “relationship.” He pulled over and asked me if I had time to talk or if I had to get home to “Dixie.” That was impressive he remembered the dog’s name. The last time I…
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If anyone has learned anything in the year+ I’ve lived in Santa Barbara, it’s that I’ve barely dated or done anything blog-worthy. So, in December when I was feeling generous, I loosened up my age requirements and let the 65 year-olds take a stab at the Marn. As my Aunt says, “hello Daddy,” she also…
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I had a date Saturday night who accessorized. I don’t mean in the belt, cuff links, and shoes kind of way either. He wore a turquoise bead choker necklace that kind of looked like those candy necklaces I’d get as a kid, except the “candy” was blue. But that’s not all. There’s more. He doubled…
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I was already thinking of my dad this week. It would of been his 90th birthday. But when I had a tire blow out, the memories flowed more. A year before I could get my learner’s permit, my dad would take me to the Montgomery Wards parking lot to practice driving. It gave him an…
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I’ve had dead dog ashes for a while. When I look at memorials online, they are too stodgy and don’t fit the personality of Kramer or Tex. My idea has always been a small picture frame with a little test tube of ashes glued on. Much better than a small pine box with dates on…
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This morning, I was in front of Camp Canine waiting for an attendant to take Dixie when an elderly black man strolled by with a very tricked-out shopping cart. “Excuse me goddess,” he said. I turned and looked at him, the dog, then back to him. “Could you tell me what time it is?” I…
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Everyone knows that layoffs do not count as vacations, so imagine my delight when I decided to take my first week off since 2006 and go on a cruise to Cabo. After a year of long hours, my office was cheering me on, handing me condoms, and hoping I would get drunk and laid. The…
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Tonight I had a date with a PhD-holding Angeleno who was in town for interivews. It was an exciting time because I haven’t had a date with a smart person my age in a very, very long time. As expected, the conversation flowed. The beer didn’t. He requested that we meet at a pub, so…
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I know I’ve threatened, after sampling the lack-luster Santa Barbara dating pool, to go back to Los Angeles to date. I finally did and I can safely say I’m so happy I adopted a dog for companionship. My new target market is old guys – or men who have kids that are off to college…
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Since Planned Parenthood funding was in the news first quarter, I decided to do my part to support them and have my gyn exam. Or, as I like to call it, the annual dusting of the cob webs. I rode my bike there hoping to look “young” and “in trouble” to the ugly white guy…
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When I was growing up, dangerous behavior was having unprotected sex. Now it’s going on an Internet date without seeing a picture first. I’m bored and living dangerously in Santa Barbara. I subscribe to the girl’s-gotta-drink rule, so meeting for a coffee is the easiest date out there. Barney was too late to buy my…
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There is your garden-variety texting. Then we have drexting: driving and texting (or is that drunk texting?). Now I’d like to add whexting, whacking off and texting, to the urban mobile lexicon. 310-xxx-xxxx: I know u dont remember me and you dont have to txt me back i just wanted apologize. i always had a…
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I know I’ve threatened to stop dating. Instead, I added to my arsenal of vibrators. And I know the definition of crazy, yet I still repeat the same behavior. Now I’m seriously considering my friends’ advice: it has to be dating in California. It’s been another banner month of dating in Santa Barbara as I…
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Zipping a dress. Helping with a necklace clasp. Reaching the top shelf. As a single woman, these are some of the things I need help with around the house. This was a banner week for special requests from men. A let’s-just-be-friends male invited me to dinner. While we are highly compatible, I assume men with…
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Safety first
▶︎“I’ve been quoting you all week,” a girlfriend told me when she saw me tonight. I say a lot, but I’m not sure if it’s worth repeating most of the time. The week before we were walking home from a few galleries and noticed two hoodie-wearing cholo gangster types were walking a little too close. …
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My first 90 days in Santa Barbara are complete and I can say, I’ve survived. If my blog is going to continue with nonfiction observations and intermittent dating stories, I may not have much material to work with. Or I need to step up my game. Like most relationships, I go in with no expectations…
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Imagine
▶︎You always remember your first. While I wish I had been old enough to remember the death of icons such as Hendrix and Joplin, my first was John Lennon. I was in bed when he was gunned down, but I’ll always remember the next day like some people remember the JFK death train when it…
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What’s SUP
▶︎I’m not much of a team sports player. My junior high basketball career was cut short when my father accidently shaved my eyebrow off when he was “clipping” my bangs. The pre-teen WTF torture from the girls was more than I needed. I quit college lacrosse when I got popped in the mouth with a…
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Blow hard
▶︎I woke and treated SB Man’s body like a jungle gym to the point where I knew I didn’t have to go to 24 Hour Fitness. And, honestly, sex is a much better way to get the heart rate up, right? Little did I know, a couple hours later my 50-inch Munch “The Scream” blow-up…
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You know you are leaving Los Angeles when you can comfortably throw out your Thomas Guide, the non-GPS bible to getting around. I knew I was leaving when the fire trucks arrived. Your layoff lady of leisure is discontinuing her 61-week underemployment lifestyle. My nationwide job search finds me relocating to Santa Barbara, California for…
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As you get older, sometimes you change. I’m shocked that some of my friends have become republicans or born again. I’m happy to report that, other than my sagging boobs, I haven’t changed. One of my unemployment projects has been ensuring all of my CDs have been ripped and added to iTunes. Yes, even Morrissey. …
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My inception
▶︎As of today, I’ve lived in Los Angeles seven years. It’s not really something to celebrate more than mark the time in awe. It has flown and yet it has stood still. I spent the afternoon with a New Yorker that relocated three years ago. She’s still adjusting, but mocks the place just like I…
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Once in a while I venture out of my zip code. Tonight was one part music – The Untouchables – and one part men, because when you leave West Hollywood it is like a field trip into straight-man territory. That means lipstick and heels for me. My girlfriend and I made it past the bouncer…
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Tonight the game was roulette and I was betting on odd. I finally worked up the courage to try Chat Roulette. Since I’ve had my share of creepy, weird guys, what are a few more? Let’s not forget that I am the old lady of the internet. I walked up hill both ways in the…
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My friends keep me in check. They also tease me about some of my more memorable dating and relationship decisions. A friend in New York recently called me laughing from a bar. “Oh my God, Marna. Magic Hat has a new hefeweizen out called “Circus Boy.” What ever happened to that fucking tool?” he asked.…
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The Betty Ford Center will soon open a wing in my honor – for those suffering from unromantic Valentine’s Day addiction. My bender began in 1974. Mrs. Kessenger, my third grade teacher, engineered a project to get our class excited about Valentine’s Day. Or was it just her way of getting rid of the red…
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In my next life, I want to come back as a gay addict. The habit is TBD. All I know is these 12-step meetings are one-part sobriety maintenance and three-parts hookup. The gays in West Hollywood don’t need to online date. When they have free time, they go to a “meeting.” My Main Gay is…
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I’m pretty sure I’m never getting laid again, and I’m ok with it. Here’s why. My dog is in love with me. It was a long courtship of walks, parks, car rides, and movies on the couch. He waited to sleep with me for six months. Then one day when I came home on crutches…
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I realize for most parents, one of their early happiest days are when their kid can wipe their own ass and make a meal. For me, it’s the two- to three-year old age bracket when they’ll repeat a cuss word unexpectedly. I laugh, the parents cringe. Today I was in Petco with Tex, my only…
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Support online shopping and struggling Los Angeles writers by purchasing Sleeping with snakes: Notes from the Los Angeles underbelly. Give the gift of Marna. My short story, “Talking Dirty,” appears alongside other fabulous authors observing life in Los Angeles. Charles Bukowski, the granddaddy of dirty talk, is also included in the collection. Also available on…
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This is probably just me. My little problem, you know, because I was born before 1980. But when a help wanted/job ad says “profitable online startup,” that is not a positive selling point to me. It’s about as appealing as a partner telling me their Valtrex copay is only $5.
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I had another one of those “oh fuck I do live in California” moments this week when I realized that 72 percent of my Thanksgiving guests were vegetarian or vegan. It really called into question if I had to buy a turkey or if I could get away with making turkey burgers. I haven’t made…
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In my continuing effort to live a healthy, unemployed lifestyle, I decided now would be a good time to try one of those eight-week, Runner’s World couch-to-marathon training programs. I started week two today and I think I’m going to flunk myself and repeat week one. I knew this was going to be a harder…
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With my focus on my career, I’m sure you were worried that I’d never write about guys or dates again. Not to worry, this is Los Angeles, so there’s always going to be a story. I just haven’t had the time to write this one. Houston (let’s call him that instead of nutless) and I…
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Moe town fun
▶︎An old friend was in town with her 20 year-old daughter for the weekend. We were all over the place doing the usual touristy-type stuff. When they were getting ready to leave to go home, the daughter said, “Is every guy in LA gay?” “Can you tell how hard it must be for me to…
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This is going to be my last unemployment summary because not much changes from week-to-week. I meet unemployed friends for drinks, I make calls, I send resumes, and I have interviews. One thing that was reinforced this week was how much interviews are like dates. And selecting a job is like choosing a husband –…
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I didn’t realize it, but apparently gay Target in West Hollywood can be a pickup joint. Instead of winking at me over the salad sneeze guard, he caught me in the facial care aisle while I was thinking about squeezing zits. I’m not sure if it is stress or the desire to be a teenager…