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“Change your criteria and open yourself up to something different. I would of never met my husband if I hadn’t,” said a coworker. So I did. And I went on a date with a 66 year-old man from Tinder. The conversation was great so I decided I could do this. For our second date, he…
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On average, there are about 15-18 available guys for me in Richmond on just about any dating site. My simple criteria is 47-57, within 25 miles, bachelor’s degree, and divorced with grown kids. Those numbers go up a little on Tinder primarily due to the truckers on I-95 and the pilots at the airport. So,…
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You would think, at a certain age, men and women would figure out dating. When Andy said he wanted to be exclusive, but his actions said otherwise, I didn’t hear from him and he never heard from me. Mutual ghosting. However, this is Richmond and the pool is small, so I figured he would circle…
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Andy and I never seemed to be able to connect. In the Fall, we met on Bumble then I guess we got distracted by the holidays. He resurfaced right after my birthday in January. We hit it off on the phone and met for a drink. He seemed like a perfectly decent Mr. Right Now…
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I made a hasty decision agreeing to meet John. We’d talked on the phone once and texted for a day, but he was eager and I was bored. I knew I was in trouble when, four hours before before meeting, he asked me how I felt about shorts. “I usually don’t make the switch until…
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Fall is here
▶︎My girlfriends and I joke about fall “hunting” season. This is when all our online dating sites and app inboxes get jammed with men trying to find love before it gets cold. They need someone to make hot wings while they watch “the game” and someone to keep them warm at night. Two years ago,…
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I’ve been internet dating for 20 years. It started with AOL chatrooms and evolved to yahoo groups, listservs, websites and modern-day apps. — all delivering the same, often depressing, experience. Two years ago, a friend suggested I see a matchmaker. He’d heard she had good results. I figured, why not go old school. I was…
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I can write good headlines. I can sell you shit you didn’t know you needed. I can write a lead that will get an editor to call. And I can write a cute note about your OKCupid profile that will make you click the reply button or swipe right. Greg was the first guy EVER…
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I’m an optimist, right? I have to be given I’ve been internet dating for 20 years. But if something is too good to be true, it probably is. Right? Ralph was a good match according to OKCupid. And he was my type of guy – cut to the chase and don’t waste time. We exchanged…
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Nothing makes me feel more alive than visiting New York. It also gives me an excuse to wear all my black t-shirts. After I arrived in Penn Station, I helped five people with directions. I told the last person I had not lived there since 2003. “Wow, you just really look like you know what…
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When the Tinder app launched, I was living in Santa Barbara where the dating population was either college-age or retirement age. I didn’t see the point. Imagine my surprise when a girlfriend visiting from Florida admitted she met her long-term boyfriend there. “You have to get on it,” she said. I still subscribe to the…
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Brian found me online. You know I’ve all but given up, but when digital me reels in a live one, I still have to respond. After the usual rapid fire round of screening questions, we determined we were both looking for a relationship – nothing casual. We graduated to texting, then live phone on Monday…
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The night before, Robert decided it would be cool if we just went to brunch for a date. A girl’s gotta eat, so 10 a.m. it was. I could finally check Millie’s brunch off my bucket list. I texted 15 minutes prior to let him know I was on my way, but walking. I got…
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I rushed back from a quick weekend with an old girlfriend to have a date. With Dixie in the car and my luggage in the trunk, I went to Panera for my second date of the year. Or at least it was my second date of the year at the same Panera (their choice, not…
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OK go…away
▶︎Yeah, I want a man that cannot string together a sentence. Hello gorgeous whoa what a beautiful day,you looking sweet and outstanding am sorry for my bad manners but your beauty just took away my heart beats. how come you looking so pretty and lovely good looking , i will like to know you more…
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I’m relatively tall, so finding available tall, age-appropriate men is a challenge and it has been for decades. I was blasted with “height discrimination” responses when my LA Times piece ran. Now I’m a decade older and a half-inch shorter. I have relaxed my standards on a case-by-case basis and I continue to not learn…
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I hate beginning new relationships late in the year. I freeze activity from Thanksgiving through Valentine’s day in order to avoid awkward invites to family events and eat bad chocolate. This year I was moving across country, getting settled, and dealing with my mother’s death. It was a perfect time not to date. I kicked…
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I’m embarrassed to admit my first date of the year was in December, but after living in Santa Barbara it’s easy to give up on dating. As a distraction from the fleas I was dealing with, I agreed to meet Mike for lunch. When he suggested Ruby Tuesday’s, I knew I was going to get…
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I had a date Saturday at 3:30 p.m. at Olive Garden. He called ahead and asked if there was a corkage fee. I took his bottle home with me instead. You can write the end of this story. I make bad decisions when people pressure me for new dating material.
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I willingly admit that most women are batshit crazy, men are assholes, and collectively, dating is hard at any age, anywhere. But I’m telling you, the men outdo themselves in California (legalized marijuana?). I used to think I was just perimenapausal and I was losing interest in men, but the truth is, each interaction I…
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I had date with another 61 year-old. No, not the sexter, but a new one. It made me realize that I just can’t pull off the older-guy thing. How do the mid-life crises guys date women half their age? What do they talk about? John was charming on the phone and eager to meet me…
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Nothing makes me happier than nachos and beer except being in a large city in a different country and STILL being thankful I’m not having sex. On the way back from a bookstore (because that’s where single, middle-aged ladies go after work on business trips), I stopped by a brew pub to abuse my per…
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If a penis grows in the bed and no one is around to see it, is it really hard? Thanks to sexting, I know the answer to that question. Bones is a 61 year-old Santa Barbara man who found me online. We spoke on the phone and he was able to dialogue quite nicely, so…
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When the going gets tough, the tough go girlie. It’s been nearly 18 months since I’ve seen a penis. The real, in-front-of-you kind, not the creepy ChatRoulette cyber ones. This has been the longest dry spell I’ve had since I gave it all up at senior prom. But as I get older, I seem to…
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I hate texting in new relationships and have destained the medium long before my run-in with Billy , the artist who painted mangled women. When you don’t know someone, let alone their sense of humor, a text falls flat every time. Gary recently contacted me from an online dating site. We emailed through the site…
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I ran into The Schnauzer tonight on a walk home. It has been nearly a year since we had our short-lived “relationship.” He pulled over and asked me if I had time to talk or if I had to get home to “Dixie.” That was impressive he remembered the dog’s name. The last time I…
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If anyone has learned anything in the year+ I’ve lived in Santa Barbara, it’s that I’ve barely dated or done anything blog-worthy. So, in December when I was feeling generous, I loosened up my age requirements and let the 65 year-olds take a stab at the Marn. As my Aunt says, “hello Daddy,” she also…
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I had a date Saturday night who accessorized. I don’t mean in the belt, cuff links, and shoes kind of way either. He wore a turquoise bead choker necklace that kind of looked like those candy necklaces I’d get as a kid, except the “candy” was blue. But that’s not all. There’s more. He doubled…
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Tonight I had a date with a PhD-holding Angeleno who was in town for interivews. It was an exciting time because I haven’t had a date with a smart person my age in a very, very long time. As expected, the conversation flowed. The beer didn’t. He requested that we meet at a pub, so…
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I know I’ve threatened, after sampling the lack-luster Santa Barbara dating pool, to go back to Los Angeles to date. I finally did and I can safely say I’m so happy I adopted a dog for companionship. My new target market is old guys – or men who have kids that are off to college…
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When I was growing up, dangerous behavior was having unprotected sex. Now it’s going on an Internet date without seeing a picture first. I’m bored and living dangerously in Santa Barbara. I subscribe to the girl’s-gotta-drink rule, so meeting for a coffee is the easiest date out there. Barney was too late to buy my…
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There is your garden-variety texting. Then we have drexting: driving and texting (or is that drunk texting?). Now I’d like to add whexting, whacking off and texting, to the urban mobile lexicon. 310-xxx-xxxx: I know u dont remember me and you dont have to txt me back i just wanted apologize. i always had a…
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I know I’ve threatened to stop dating. Instead, I added to my arsenal of vibrators. And I know the definition of crazy, yet I still repeat the same behavior. Now I’m seriously considering my friends’ advice: it has to be dating in California. It’s been another banner month of dating in Santa Barbara as I…
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Zipping a dress. Helping with a necklace clasp. Reaching the top shelf. As a single woman, these are some of the things I need help with around the house. This was a banner week for special requests from men. A let’s-just-be-friends male invited me to dinner. While we are highly compatible, I assume men with…
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My first 90 days in Santa Barbara are complete and I can say, I’ve survived. If my blog is going to continue with nonfiction observations and intermittent dating stories, I may not have much material to work with. Or I need to step up my game. Like most relationships, I go in with no expectations…
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My friends keep me in check. They also tease me about some of my more memorable dating and relationship decisions. A friend in New York recently called me laughing from a bar. “Oh my God, Marna. Magic Hat has a new hefeweizen out called “Circus Boy.” What ever happened to that fucking tool?” he asked.…
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In my next life, I want to come back as a gay addict. The habit is TBD. All I know is these 12-step meetings are one-part sobriety maintenance and three-parts hookup. The gays in West Hollywood don’t need to online date. When they have free time, they go to a “meeting.” My Main Gay is…
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Support online shopping and struggling Los Angeles writers by purchasing Sleeping with snakes: Notes from the Los Angeles underbelly. Give the gift of Marna. My short story, “Talking Dirty,” appears alongside other fabulous authors observing life in Los Angeles. Charles Bukowski, the granddaddy of dirty talk, is also included in the collection. Also available on…
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This is probably just me. My little problem, you know, because I was born before 1980. But when a help wanted/job ad says “profitable online startup,” that is not a positive selling point to me. It’s about as appealing as a partner telling me their Valtrex copay is only $5.
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With my focus on my career, I’m sure you were worried that I’d never write about guys or dates again. Not to worry, this is Los Angeles, so there’s always going to be a story. I just haven’t had the time to write this one. Houston (let’s call him that instead of nutless) and I…
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This is going to be my last unemployment summary because not much changes from week-to-week. I meet unemployed friends for drinks, I make calls, I send resumes, and I have interviews. One thing that was reinforced this week was how much interviews are like dates. And selecting a job is like choosing a husband –…
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Misery loves
▶︎I know I’ve spent the past six years bemoaning the labor of dating in Los Angeles. I’ve felt like I’ve been one part relationship anthropologist, one part therapist, and an off-and-on investigative journalist. But I know my observations and experiences aren’t far-fetched because I run into men and women everywhere that have similar stories. I…
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I’ve revised the Kubler-Ross grief cycle to consider the emotional states of dating in Los Angeles. Shock stage – initial paralysis after a few bad first dates and remembering someone telling you you’d have to “import” your men if you lived in Los Angeles. Denial stage – continuing to date because you can’t believe it…
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Los Angeles is full of creative people, so it was only a matter of time before I’d have a date with a musician. Who knew it would be a doubleheader. I’ve dated musicians before, but they’ve had day jobs which puts them in the frustrated artist category. These guys were “real” musicians. Friday night was…
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A close girlfriend got out of a 2.5 year fakelationship and nearly immediately got back to the online dating business with some mildly successful results. I found her get-back-on-the-horse determination inspiring enough to return to the game also. My out-of-the-gate experience left a friend in New York saying, “can you move to San Francisco? Even…
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Since I’ve been dating GC for a while, I haven’t been able to say my favorite four-lettered word, N-E-X-T. However, that hasn’t stopped my girlfriends from calling to seek advice or validation from me. Linda called me yesterday laughing about Fire Marshall Bill troubles. It seems he has been playing the field and one of…
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Most people’s soundtrack for sex is that porny bern-chica-bern-bern. Not me. When I think of sex, I hear the theme of The Rockford Files. Television was a big deal for kids growing up in the ‘70s. One of the biggest days in our household was the arrival of a second black and white TV for…
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I used to look forward to Sunday nights to have an ocular orgy with David Duchovny in the X-Files. As I got older, Sunday nights became reserved for Tony Soprano and Carrie Bradshaw. Now I get to look forward to the kid drop off followed by divorced daddy sex with GC. Last night’s pillow talk…
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WWMD
▶︎They say with age comes experience. In Los Angeles, with dating comes experiences. A girlfriend recently had a male-variety dilemma. She actually stopped and asked herself, “What Would Marna Do?” I’m flattered that anyone would listen to my advice given my favorite four-lettered word is N-E-X-T and none of my dating experiences have lasted more…
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My affinity for younger men began long before I fell into the “cougar” demographic. I was 30, newly divorced, and in that cruel “sexual prime.” I would try anything (one) once. In my Lewis & Clark-esque discoveries, I found disgruntled married-man sex was the best sex out there. Now, I’d like to revise that finding.…
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I heard Oprah once said that if you want a man in your life, you have to imagine him and create him in some sort of collage and then he will manifest. I got as far as buying magnum condoms. And you know me and condoms, I buy them and they often expire. In fact,…
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I spent the first four years in Los Angeles dating voraciously, trying to make up for my career-first East coast days. I’m now a dog owner, which has kind of changed my outlook on dating. You are going to have to be better than my dog and my vibrator to get me out of the…
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When you haven’t had good sex in a very long time, you hit that point where you become OK without it. You get used to it. Or you get a dog to keep your mind off it. But there is that fear, like a diabetic having a small slice of cake, that when you do…
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In order to cope at work, a friend has decided to channel her strong inner black woman. I now jokingly call her “Nay Nay” which is short for Shanaynay, a character created by Martin Lawrence. Today, after receiving two loser reconnects in one day, I decided I needed to go black too. Joker #1 called…
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Today I salute you. Mr. Keep Calling Back. (Mr. Keep Calling Back) Armed with a cell phone, Marna’s number saved, you keep dialing. (She’s not calling back) Two months later, you are sure she’s still busy. (Maybe she has a new job) The first date was great. (But she didn’t have a second beer) The…
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I received a reminder that ex’s are ex’s for a reason. Circus boy called. He’s a guy I dated in New York before I moved to California. His most notable relationship error was leaving me at his family event to go help an ex-girlfriend who was “stranded” on the side of the road. We broke…
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I’ve ramped up my Internet dating again. After last week’s happy hour fiasco, I’ve gone back to the horrid 20-minute coffee date. Tonight I added a twist. I brought a dog, or as I will now call him, my “get out of jail free card.” Tex is an 80-pound American Bulldog I’m fostering and he…
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Tonight I realized there’s a magical male age when they can play Jedi mind tricks with their dick and hold a conversation during a date without the fear that blood will be drawn from their brain. The 31 year-old I was with was obviously the team captain of the cock Special Olympics. He was obsessed…
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I was in the office checking my email early this morning when the guy I report to walked by then backed up and did a double-take. “What did you do to your hair?” he asked. “I washed and straightened it last night. Washing my hair seems to be a Valentine’s Day tradition.” I replied. His…
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Love stinks
▶︎I’m not a fan of this holiday, but if you are going to recognize it, do it balls-out-swinging, otherwise, mutually agree it’s a stupid holiday, let it pass in silence, and find a different way to profess your love. Beans, who still lives eight blocks from me, sent an e-card. Seriously, an e-card, but it…
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Playlists
▶︎Beans was over the other night and made the observation that my iPod doesn’t have a “makeout” playlist. I agreed that was odd since I’ve loved music forever, was a college DJ, and still kept up with what’s good and current. Oh, and I do love sex. It was necessary I build my K-tel equivalent…
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Today’s doctor appointment revealed that I could/may be cleared for sex and yoga in nine days. I have no good reason for why I am recovering so quickly except attitude, diet, and sex on deck. While Beans pre-alibied a December absence, he reappeared when I was in recovery. He’s been quite present ever since, helping…
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Can you get out of future bad behavior by paying forward with an apology? Yes you can. It’s called a pre-alibi. Beans called and recited a laundry list of business trips and other obligations he had during the month of December. He made it sound like he was being deployed and didn’t know when he’d…
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Today I had two what-the-fuck moments within a two-hour period. Of course, ex’s were involved. I woke up to an email announcing that one of them was going to be in LA in November and he’d like to extend his visit to see me. While 9/11 sped up our inevitable breakup, what is more interesting…
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I met a 27 year-old boy last night for a date. They call me cougarlicious in the office and I was living up to it, until I did some basic math. Junior was cute, sweet and said the right things. Like, “Wow, you totally look like you are 31 at the most.” Nice. We continued…
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I haven’t spoken to my mother in more than three years. Yes, I’m a Hater. Women who have joined my no-mother cult have experienced similar exhilaration and relief after radio silence. However, we all have our sound bites to dodge the mainstream how’s-your-family questions. Several days ago, I connected with a match.com guy who seemed…
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There’s probably a 12-step program for me somewhere. It wouldn’t be sexual addiction, but maybe it’s fun addiction or baggage avoidance. Whatever it is and no matter how much I try to date men my own age, I find myself going back to younger stock. Last week, after I washed the gray right out of…
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I’ve never been one of those need-a-man girls. I barely dated in high school and college because I had so many other interests besides stupid assholes. When I announced I was engaged at the age of 26, my friends were in awe. The person least likely to… was. It was no shock to most when…
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I’m number one. I don’t usually consider Spring my season. I’m more of a fourth quarter girl; however, the tides are changing. Two very unusual things happened to me recently. I got a full-time, permanent job and a boyfriend within the same 30 days. Nearly all my jobs have been fourth quarter hires where I’m…
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… vas Indeferens I’m neutral about the whole idea of spawning. I hate the fact my married-with friends live vicariously through me and start their sentences with, “I love my kids but…” I’ve seen friends and family age exponentially after creation of their nuclear family. I really like sex and love beer and those are…
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In LA, there’s a category of women I call “the meal hunters.” They date to eat. While a girl’s gotta eat, I’d rather stay home with unshaved legs and pop open a can of tunafish. I date to meet. Last night I had a first date with a man who suggested we go to dinner.…
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When real guy started behaving like typical guy, I knew it was time to evaluate what I wanted against what we could accomplish together. When he said, “I’m not really a relationship guy,” I knew it was time to utter my favorite four-lettered word. NEXT. I didn’t realize it was Valentine’s Day until one of…
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I’ve had two serious relationships since I’ve lived in Los Angeles. My west coast operational definition of serious is a) they know my last name; b) they know where I live; and c) they say they are emotionally evolved enough to want a relationship. In both cases, the liaisons dissolved on or before the 60-day…
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I have a new hobby and it’s one I thought I’d never take up – at least in Los Angeles. It’s part Heathers and part Mean Girls and it gives me great satisfaction. My new pastime is rejecting men. Well, wait. I’ve been rejecting men for years in this town, but now I have a…
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I hadn’t had a date since August and chose to focus on work and health. Those were more productive diversions. I never expected to meet a man the old-fashioned way – in a bar. A married, former co-worker suggested I go with him to a bar in Montrose that was frequented by NASA/JPL employees. The…
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It’s that time of year when the tops come up on the prickmobiles and single men in Los Angeles realize they don’t want to be alone for the holidays. I call it boomerang season. Michael, the 48 year-old margarita puker, contacted me to see if I’d be interested in a second date nearly eight months…
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I didn’t think it was possible to top my weirdest date ever (see 3/2/04 blog), but this is Los Angeles where dreams are created and crushed daily. Huff was four days into his 40th year when I met him for happy hour. He was east coast bred and came out here several years ago to…
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The X-Games
▶︎I’ve applied the three-strike-you-are-out rule to my dating. It really comes in handy. Annoying but overlooked first date habits can be re-evaluated prior to firing the potential boyfriend. That way, I am not in month three of the season realizing I recruited the wrong player. Spicoli admitted on our first date that he was unemployed.…
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Should I remember my first kiss? I don’t. I do remember my first traumatic kiss. I forgot all about it until last night when it was surpassed by my new worst kiss ever. In high school, I went on a double date with a girlfriend. She was off somewhere making out with her guy and…
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I realize I unintentionally date on the special ed side of the dating spectrum. As one friend recently told me, “There has to be a disproportionate amount of normal guys somewhere because you’ve cornered the market on nuts.” Will it ever end? He called at 5:15 p.m. on Valentine’s Day to find out when I…
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When I heard Budweiser declared February 15th the official start to dating season, I panicked. Was I missing something I’d regret? Something better than 1/2 price chocolate? As a professional dater, I decided to evaluate my existing relationship. I pulled it into the pit, checked the gauges and determined we weren’t going to make it,…
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While lying in bed with Mr. WednesdayBeforeLast, I joked that our good relationship was ruining my bitch-about-LA-dating writing career. And then he gave me some material from out of this world. “Don’t we have an anniversary coming up?” he asked. What guy do you know remembers an anniversary? They can’t even remember their own mother’s…
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Los Angeles isn’t normal. My dates are usually abnormal. So when I finally found a normal guy, it’s only natural that the date take an unusual turn. We clicked in email and on the phone, so phase three – the meeting – was booked. The chemistry was almost immediate as we sipped our green teas…
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I got over that metrosexual man thing more than a decade ago when I realized my husband used more hair products than I did. It wasn’t the ‘80s, after all. So when I met a man who said he was in touch with his inner lesbian and he’d come over and fix my furnace on…
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In Los Angeles, we don’t make a move in our car without checking SigAlert. This useful website helps us plan around idiot drivers. What it doesn’t help with is the trouble we may find when we reach our destination. I agreed to drive to Long Beach for a first date tonight. Going 34 miles in…
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Dating is an exhausting exercise, but I support my friends as they venture out there. What is more tiring is when they have a bad experience and state, “I thought this kind of crap only happened to you, Marna.” Once again, I have to repeat IT’S BAD ALL OVER. Marci was approached online by a…
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Tie the knot
▶︎When you are in your 30’s and dating, the subject of marriage is tough to tackle in the initial courtship period. There are so many reasons why (or why not) someone has married. I generally don’t ask and assume every man I date is either divorced or about to change teams. The big reveal is…
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This guy, let’s call him my boyfriend, asked a very difficult question recently. “So, when are you going to write about me?” I gave my standard response, “I only write about bizarre LA dates and people that screw up. I actually like you.” I’m not sure if his ego kicked in, or if he wanted…
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I’m starting to become the conduit for bad date stories. I have enough of my own to go around, but it is disheartening to wonder if anyone in their 30s is successful in dating. April has been a parade of fools. My one girlfriend had to hit the eject button after her boyfriend stated he…
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What makes dating worthwhile? The stories I suppose. But at what age do the stories become cliché and you give up dating and invest in a rocking chair and cats instead? This morning, a friend told me about her Saturday night date with a 47 year-old man. She cooked dinner and they had hot monkey…
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Catch-22
▶︎How a year of dating in Los Angeles made me appreciate books and batteries My 2004 resolution challenge was dating bulimia – I would date as much as possible until I got sick. I feasted on the men of Los Angeles while Kathleen, a friend in New York, did the same. Our goal was to…
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While the body of the former is still getting cold, I elected to get back in the saddle again. What I got was the best damn date to-date in Los Angeles. I’ll spare you the details because when you use the words “beach” and “sushi” in the same story the “how long have you lived…
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Homecomings
▶︎Usually the excitement of an airport arrival centers on sleeping in my own bed. I know I am getting old when a firm mattress and 300-thread count sheets rock my world. This time was different. After returning from NYC, I was greeted by a man who missed me terribly and made the commute at 1:30…