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You filled the void that was left by Tex – my first big dog adoption during the California housing crisis. Your rescue led to a Facebook contest to rename you (WTF Carla?) and Aunt Holli won with “Dixie” – naming you after a region like Tex with a play on the letter X. You helped…
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My brother rarely calls me. When he has to put me on speaker so his wife can hear me react, I know it’s going to be good. “Some lady who is researching ancestry called and believes mom had a child in 1952 in northern Virginia,” he said. I doubled over laughing. “HAHAH. No way. Well,…
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Secrets told
▶︎I am the family crypt keeper so, ever so often, I go up to Arlington National Cemetery to ensure my father hasn’t kicked the door off after the recent arrival of my mother. Today, the screws were still tight, so I did some holiday decorating and then had a flashback to the 1970s. It was…
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“Girl, look at that red hair and that gray stripe. Wow. And those toes. Yeah. I’d like to suck on those. You taken? Cause I’d like to take you?” said the black guy in front of me at 7-11. Hard to believe just 20 minutes prior, I was playing Super Mario Cart with a 7-year-old…
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I like Fall. I like rain. I don’t mind one minor (< six inches) snowstorm a year. When blizzard conditions were forecasted for my birthday weekend, it was just another excuse to stock up. My southern California dog and I were ready. Blizzards aren’t new to me. I was born during one. However, my snow…
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The question of children has come up a couple times in the last week. I’ve been internet dating for almost 20 years. Finding a partner is hard enough; however, add offspring into the mix? Kids are a huge responsibility and I like being carefree and, ah, irresponsible. An unmarried friend from college in his 50’s…
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One of my friends asked me if it was difficult cleaning my mother’s house. No, it wasn’t. My anger overshadowed memories and sentimentality. My mother was a member of The Greatest Generation. She grew up during the The Great Depression and rationed during WWII. That means she’s a saver. After my Dad died, I did…
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My biggest fear when I moved to Virginia in the winter was exercise. I know, I know. But in Santa Barbara and Los Angeles I did a lot of walking and hiking. To move and immediately get hit with single-digit temps was scary. Five additional pounds later and I developed a solution based on my…
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There’s a strong possibility my shoulder will get dislocated soon. Dixie has discovered squirrels and I’m not sure a pinch collar will hold her back from the fierce chase she wants to have. Dixie is a girlie girl dog. She was discovered on the mean streets of Long Beach, California during the housing crisis with…
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If you had warned me a month after escaping California I’d be identifying my mother’s body in a funeral home, I would of laughed. Life and timing are funny things. Decades after my birth my mother continued to try to direct my life long-distance with a cocktail in her hand. After I arrived in California,…
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I know driving across country sounds romantic and fun. It’s not. It may be fun if you are 21, limber, and have a big bag of weed and a co-driver to ward off the boredom. Otherwise, no. Case in point: New Mexico and Texas. If you ever have trouble sleeping, take I-40 east of Albuqueque.…
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It’s been a long time since I’ve elected to travel by car on Thanksgiving Wednesday. My desire to leave Santa Barbara was greater than the pain I knew I would endure. Or so I thought. Dixie and I decided to make it to the border town of Blythe, CA. You know you are in a…
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When my nephew, Sam, was two he came to stay with me in Brooklyn for a week. He liked going to happy hours and museums so much, he came back in 2002. Unfortunately, his younger brother, Dave, never made it because I moved to California and the soul brothers moved to Denmark and then China. …
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On December 7th, I had a young coworker come to me about a Facebook post he saw. “Hey Marna, am I an ass? A friend just posted ‘Don’t Forget Pearl Harbor’ on his wall. I just thought it was a little odd,” he stated. I thought about it, knowing a lot of these kids today,…
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Newman’s brewery memorial service was well attended. An amazing cat who can really get people to turn out!
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Today I said goodbye to the greatest cat on earth. Newman was two parts obnoxious and one part dog. He was the kind of cat that dog-owning cat haters liked. He could take on the meanest of blue jays and give a dog a face bath in the same day. His purr should of been…
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I was already thinking of my dad this week. It would of been his 90th birthday. But when I had a tire blow out, the memories flowed more. A year before I could get my learner’s permit, my dad would take me to the Montgomery Wards parking lot to practice driving. It gave him an…
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I promise I won’t turn into a mommy blogger or a new mom who thinks she’s got the best baby on earth. But until I date again, all I can do is sing the praises of my new rescue dog. Dixie showed up as a stray at a SoCal shelter with pink toenail polish on. …
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The other day I was searching on OKCupid. There were six men between the ages of 37 and 60 that were my height or taller, held master’s degrees, and lived within 50 miles of me. I’m serious. Six men. I decided I had better luck at finding love on Petfinder and adopted a three-year…
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When Tina Fey got the head writer job at Saturday Night Live, I actually emailed a few friends with my excitement. Comedy is a male world. I was proud her writing was recognized and she broke through the sperm wall. Her career continues to evolve with 30 Rock, movies, and now her new book, Bossypants.…
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When I was very, very young, my parents has a fabulous farting Dalmatian named Zip. From what I remember, she was your typical stupid, fence jumping Dalmatian. But she was also known as my nanny. Urban tale has it that she slept under my crib and woke my parents up one night when my puke…
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To say Tex is my favorite pet isn’t fair to those before him, but rescuing, fostering, and adopting him has been a true experience. He is mellow and wise like Yoda. He makes me smile every day. I wanted to return the favor and throw a party for his 12th birthday. Getting people to West…
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I’m pretty sure I’m never getting laid again, and I’m ok with it. Here’s why. My dog is in love with me. It was a long courtship of walks, parks, car rides, and movies on the couch. He waited to sleep with me for six months. Then one day when I came home on crutches…
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I had another one of those “oh fuck I do live in California” moments this week when I realized that 72 percent of my Thanksgiving guests were vegetarian or vegan. It really called into question if I had to buy a turkey or if I could get away with making turkey burgers. I haven’t made…
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In prayers
▶︎I’m going to pitch a new TV show to the networks. “Are you better at Wii than a 7 year-old” will feature gaming unsaavy adults playing Wii against their younger relatives. I discovered during Easter, in my attempt to be hip with the nephews, I need to upgrade my Ms. Pacman-era gaming skills. While everyone…
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This old dog
▶︎It’s official. Tex is my longest running relationship since arriving in LA. He’s emotionally available, he’s big, he doesn’t flake on me, and me makes me smile every day. We’ve been together a little more than a year and April Fool’s Day is his designated 11th birthday since it’s easy to remember and it reminds…
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I haven’t spoken to my mother in more than three years. Yes, I’m a Hater. Women who have joined my no-mother cult have experienced similar exhilaration and relief after radio silence. However, we all have our sound bites to dodge the mainstream how’s-your-family questions. Several days ago, I connected with a match.com guy who seemed…
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I think Freud, Jung, Dr. Phil, Dr. Spock, and Judge Judy would all agree we learn through example. I’m starting to feel like I could probably never parent except remotely while wearing an orange jumpsuit making a call from the yard. My “example” was a walnut-stained, one-inch piece of plywood with a leather hang cord.…
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I have a vacation ritual where I pack my almost-expired condoms with hopes they are deployed. My trip to Hawaii was extra special because I was going with my 71 year-old namesake. The Marna(s) were on a mission to meet the perfect Uncle/Nephew combo. We had seven condoms for the week. I wasn’t sure if…
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Do you know the expression, “You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family?” I love my friends. They’ve been there for me in post-birthday recovery. The Tour du Florida humor hasn’t let up. From RV sales videos to “I’m so sorry for you” shoulder squeezes, they’ve validated my feelings and helped me…
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I was in the middle of planning my 40th birthday trip to Hawaii when my brother called and suggested an alternative destination. His annual U.S. visit coincided with my birthday week and he was going to be in Florida. Hawaii or Florida…hum. This would be my only opportunity to see my nephews and work on…
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My brother and sister-in-law left the kids with a relative and the three of us went to Key West for my birthday in the 31-foot Ultra. We did what you would expect in the limited amount of time we were there. We drank and we shopped. By 10:30 p.m. I was tired and somewhat bored…
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Christmas is for kids. As we get older, it’s never as fun. The fun dissipates when you have to get in a car or get on a plane to go home for the holidays. I just got back from a Palm Springs holiday weekend with Mr. WednesdayBeforeLast and realized there’s no place like not being…
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When your kid says something hilarious and sexual, who are you going to call? Today my brother felt I was the best contact. My nephew, Dave, is days away from turning four years old. He’s a combination of a goofy frat boy and a comedian. In a sense, he’s got my genes. Tonight before bed…
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In my mailbox between the Bed, Bath & Beyond 20 percent off coupons, I sometimes get a great direct mail piece. I rarely open them up unless there’s a cleaver design I could copy for a future campaign at the office. When I received classy invitation-stock from The Neptune Society, I felt compelled to see…
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While UN inspectors span the globe looking for weapons of mass destruction, I believe I’ve found something more dangerous that must be contained: family. You can choose your friends and your weapons, but you can’t get around your family. In my small, extended family, I’m generally characterized as the whacky, risk-taking pioneer that marches to…
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Since moving to Los Angeles, I’ve been waiting. Waiting for a sign I really do live here. Twenty-two months later, I finally felt my first earthquake. I was asleep when the bed moved side-to-side while the window rattled. It woke me up and I assumed it was the Mexicans renovating the apartment above me. Three…
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I was hit last night by something in my sleep. It’s the tenth anniversary of the death of my father. Since that time, I’ve made several discoveries. Getting to know him in death has been very interesting. The man who used to make me cry when I couldn’t grasp my math homework was actually a…
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For many today is a day scarier that watching a son get circumcised. More perplexing than knowing your daughter does drugs and more horrific than wondering if you should do anything for your partner for Valentine’s Day. Mother’s day incites fear in most. What do you get the woman who says she has everything? Or…
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My friend’s 15 year-old daughter just told me on the phone, “oh my god, my mother is insane, you have to do something.” I bit the inside of my cheek, tried to hold back the laughs until I spurt out, “Oh, honey, get used to it. You’ve got about another 40 years before relief is…
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I have follower. Another friend has decided to cut her mother out of her life in order to preserve her sanity. “I’m on day ten. I have some guilt about it, but I haven’t felt this good in a long time,” she confessed. In order to avoid a relapse, I reminded her that bad mothers…
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Code red
▶︎The Crazy Barbara threat level has been elevated. Today, 5:40 p.m. Eastern Cocktail Time, my mother left me a detailed voicemail. Somewhere between the grocery store, the post office, and the Moose Lodge she has met some computer geeks who could disable my computer. “They won’t do it, but they know people who will do…
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There are two goals in every woman’s life. The first is to meet prince charming. The second is to not turn out like your mother. My Anti-Crazy Barbara training has been a secondary career. I do periodically check-in with my brother to ensure my aspirations are on track. “Am I attempting to control the lives…
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Whiz kid
▶︎It is always special when my nephews decide to call me. Tonight Dave, my 2.5 year old nephew, asked his mom to dial. He had something to tell me. “Aunt Mah-na? I went pee in the potty,” Dave announced. “You did? Does that mean you are a big boy?” I asked. “Yes, and I have…
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I got the call a little after 6 a.m. Grandma passed away after midnight. In March she was 92. She had her share of recent health problems; however, she really didn’t start living until Homer, her husband and my grandfather, passed away years prior. It was a remarkable transformation. She cut her waist-lengh hair short…
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In the dating world, I would be considered the Dating Sensei and my mother would be my Grasshopper. She could learn a thing or two from me, and yet, she continues to wallow in semi-happiness and complacency. She has not learned from my lessons, but I have learned from hers. “This is all your fault,”…
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The Muppets have been around since I was young. But, like Mr. Hooper, old school, thinning felt Muppets die or lose camera time to their updated furry friends. Elmo received life in 1985 when a black man put his hand in Elmo’s ass and gave him that distinctive voice and laugh. With red hair and…
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If you have young children, send them away and don’t let them near the computer screen. I’m going PG-13. When you are young, you want to understand all the mysteries of the world. My first unsolved mystery was sex. I didn’t want to do it, I just wanted to understand what all the fuss was…
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Dad, I’ve been thinking about you all weekend. Yesterday, Navy beat those Army pussies 34 to 6. I’ll never forget the game of 1989. It took me four hours to drive 100 miles north in the snow to get you. We took the Navy party train and shuttle bus from D.C. to Giants stadium. You…
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I’m back on the subject of LA and cars, but before we go there, let me immediately digress. I had the usual, traditional conflicted childhood. I was an individual who was different and didn’t blend in and yet I wanted to be like everyone else. And I didn’t. My parents’ delivered the usual fucked-up conflicted…
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When I see my mom’s telephone number pop-up on my cellphone caller ID, I do the usual three-ring deliberation. Should I or shouldn’t I answer this call? The good angel tells me to pick it up because she is concerned for me. The bad angel tells me it might be the paramedic clicking on the…