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Yesterday was my first time in an office since 9/11. I thought I could handle it given the amount of time elapsed. I spent a lot of time taking calls outside and pacing. The truth is, I prefer to be at home with the TV volume on low as names of the dead are recited.…
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“Girl, look at that red hair and that gray stripe. Wow. And those toes. Yeah. I’d like to suck on those. You taken? Cause I’d like to take you?” said the black guy in front of me at 7-11. Hard to believe just 20 minutes prior, I was playing Super Mario Cart with a 7-year-old…
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A married-with friend was recently visiting the MaxiPad for the first time. He took me up on my beer offer and I opened my freezer to pull out a chilled pint glass. He took a picture and sent it to his wife. When I asked him why, he said, “You can tell you don’t have…
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I like Fall. I like rain. I don’t mind one minor (< six inches) snowstorm a year. When blizzard conditions were forecasted for my birthday weekend, it was just another excuse to stock up. My southern California dog and I were ready. Blizzards aren’t new to me. I was born during one. However, my snow…
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Driving home after Christmas on I-95 is no treat. It gets worse when you look at traffic maps and see red lines from south Jersey to northern Virginia. I was presented with a gift 30 miles from home after already being in the car eight hours. I felt that weird, oh-crap feeling and pulled off to…
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I love trends, especially when they save me time and money. Since granny gray is in, it was time to have a chat with my hairdresser. I’ve been coloring my hair since I was a teenager. My first gray hair appeared before I was packed for college. I’ve been some shade of red ever since. At…
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Nothing makes me feel more alive than visiting New York. It also gives me an excuse to wear all my black t-shirts. After I arrived in Penn Station, I helped five people with directions. I told the last person I had not lived there since 2003. “Wow, you just really look like you know what…
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You know what the start to a perfect day is? Freshly ground coffee? Bacon frying? A blow job? Today, for me, it was a perfectly coiled crap in the toilet. You know, one of those “no way!!!!” works of art that you really feel will never be duplicated. Don’t worry, I didn’t take a picture. I did…
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I sold my first house, the sweat-equity 1908 money pit, in 1998. Since that time, I’ve lived in four states and had 12 different addresses. I consolidated my stuff down to the bare necessities and when I got laid off the last time, I sold everything and UPSed 18 boxes to Virginia. I’ve been in…
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When a brewpub opened called The Answer, I had to go. I strategically scheduled an offsite meeting with my graphic designer at 4:30 p.m. to check out the 30+ taps. After a month on the job, we still had to finalize our corporate world domination plans. I believe I was on beer number three when a…
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My biggest fear when I moved to Virginia in the winter was exercise. I know, I know. But in Santa Barbara and Los Angeles I did a lot of walking and hiking. To move and immediately get hit with single-digit temps was scary. Five additional pounds later and I developed a solution based on my…
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The scariest thing a woman has to do in a new town is find a hairdresser. It is even harder when you have wavy or curly hair. There’s an art to it. Thanks to Yelp, I found a hairdresser that could deal with me and impart wisdom at the same time. Kate went to my…
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The welcome to Virginia sign was a relief after traversing Tennessee. While Virginia may be open for business, I hope Virginia also has jobs and single, emotionally evolved men over the age of consent. Dixie and I travelled 2900 miles and everyone was right – as long as she was with me, she was fine. …
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With a good night’s rest, Dixie and I set out to see The King first thing in the morning. We were there early enough to get lots of dog humilating pictures in before the old folks came for their 10 a.m. tours. The mansion is preserved to its 1970’s glory – lots of shag and…
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Today was our power-through day – 585 miles – and it was probably good timing because Dixie is “getting” that we aren’t going home and we live in the car. I had every intention to stop at the Oklahoma City bombing memorial but we kept going. We lost major time east of OKC where I…
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While the drive to Blythe Wednesday was awful, it was still a smart decision instead of driving straight to Phoenix on Thanksgiving. Dixie and I logged 157 miles and intended to eat and keep going. But I got talked out of driving to 6000′ at night. So, I drank more wine, ate turkey while Dixie…
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The same day Kelly MacLean’s Surviving Whole Foods satire went viral, I found myself at Whole Foods enjoying a similar experience. My basket was light by design. I can’t afford the place, but I dabble in organic and raw and they do have great fresh fish. I got raw organic almonds because I make my…
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When you put your children in the hands of others so you can go to work, you have to trust caretakers will do the right thing. The same is true when you pay a dog walker to give your 70-pound dog a mid-day stroll. Today I realized I never taught Dixie the “kill the hipster…
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I’ve lived in California for 10 years and I’m still not sure I’m used to it. But like others, I’m numb, and without seasons I never know how fast time is passing. California is everything everyone told me it would be. “It will be hard to meet good people.” I wouldn’t say good, but genuine. …
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Today was the 40th anniversary of the landmark Roe v. Wade decision and my first date of the new year. Two days from now, I become a less-remarkable 47 year old. The one constant in my life is the light in my car is the best for tweezing unwanted hairs. Nutty week, right? First natural…
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On December 7th, I had a young coworker come to me about a Facebook post he saw. “Hey Marna, am I an ass? A friend just posted ‘Don’t Forget Pearl Harbor’ on his wall. I just thought it was a little odd,” he stated. I thought about it, knowing a lot of these kids today,…
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Dixie was getting her last walk of the night when I noticed a white car rolling by really slow. When it parked illegally, I paid more attention while Dixie watered a bush. A girl I didn’t recognized jumped out of the car and said, “Marna, is that Dixie?” This woman was introduced to me online…
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I was vegan for six months before I moved to Santa Barbara. I fell off the wagon when I began to date a guy who could cook and had a gas grill the size of a double wide. Carne asada was my new best friend. That relationship ended, buy my affair with meat continued. One…
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I hate texting, but once in a while it’s fun to see a “conversation” unfold. This is between me and AMFINS (a male friend I never screwed). Two single adults, home on a Saturday night, drinking, watching TV, and texting. AMFINS: I’m drunk. You aren’t. Me awesome. ME: I’m catching up. AMFINS: Fucking drunk. Meeeeee.…
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I completed my graduate degree at night while working a full-time job during the day. When I finished, I didn’t read for a year. No books, no newspapers, no magazines. I was so burnt out from school, it was my way to detox and feel in control of my free time. Since then, I’ve taken…
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Nothing makes me happier than nachos and beer except being in a large city in a different country and STILL being thankful I’m not having sex. On the way back from a bookstore (because that’s where single, middle-aged ladies go after work on business trips), I stopped by a brew pub to abuse my per…
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When the going gets tough, the tough go girlie. It’s been nearly 18 months since I’ve seen a penis. The real, in-front-of-you kind, not the creepy ChatRoulette cyber ones. This has been the longest dry spell I’ve had since I gave it all up at senior prom. But as I get older, I seem to…
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Months ago I was convinced I should return to Virginia for Longwood College’s Decade of the ’80s Reunion. The last time I went, it was the ’90s and I learned beer bongs were out and keg stands were in. (Some nice frat boys taught me the basics. They thought I was classy because my bottle…
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Doctor Crack
▶︎I was excited when two people referred me to the same chiropractor. He must be good. Or is Santa Barbara just that small? After an x-ray, my tall, age-appropriate, good-natured chiro told me my L4 ain’t what it used to be. Long hours sitting at a desk, age, and who knows what else have pulled…
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I used to see a lot of interesting things when I lived in West Hollywood. But when you mix creatives with gays, you are bound to see some great stuff. In Santa Barbara, when you mix stray hairs with a good sunrise, you get the perfect plucking storm. And then some. My “it’s going to…
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I was already thinking of my dad this week. It would of been his 90th birthday. But when I had a tire blow out, the memories flowed more. A year before I could get my learner’s permit, my dad would take me to the Montgomery Wards parking lot to practice driving. It gave him an…
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I’ve had dead dog ashes for a while. When I look at memorials online, they are too stodgy and don’t fit the personality of Kramer or Tex. My idea has always been a small picture frame with a little test tube of ashes glued on. Much better than a small pine box with dates on…
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This morning, I was in front of Camp Canine waiting for an attendant to take Dixie when an elderly black man strolled by with a very tricked-out shopping cart. “Excuse me goddess,” he said. I turned and looked at him, the dog, then back to him. “Could you tell me what time it is?” I…
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Everyone knows that layoffs do not count as vacations, so imagine my delight when I decided to take my first week off since 2006 and go on a cruise to Cabo. After a year of long hours, my office was cheering me on, handing me condoms, and hoping I would get drunk and laid. The…
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Since Planned Parenthood funding was in the news first quarter, I decided to do my part to support them and have my gyn exam. Or, as I like to call it, the annual dusting of the cob webs. I rode my bike there hoping to look “young” and “in trouble” to the ugly white guy…
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There is your garden-variety texting. Then we have drexting: driving and texting (or is that drunk texting?). Now I’d like to add whexting, whacking off and texting, to the urban mobile lexicon. 310-xxx-xxxx: I know u dont remember me and you dont have to txt me back i just wanted apologize. i always had a…
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Zipping a dress. Helping with a necklace clasp. Reaching the top shelf. As a single woman, these are some of the things I need help with around the house. This was a banner week for special requests from men. A let’s-just-be-friends male invited me to dinner. While we are highly compatible, I assume men with…
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Safety first
▶︎“I’ve been quoting you all week,” a girlfriend told me when she saw me tonight. I say a lot, but I’m not sure if it’s worth repeating most of the time. The week before we were walking home from a few galleries and noticed two hoodie-wearing cholo gangster types were walking a little too close. …
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Imagine
▶︎You always remember your first. While I wish I had been old enough to remember the death of icons such as Hendrix and Joplin, my first was John Lennon. I was in bed when he was gunned down, but I’ll always remember the next day like some people remember the JFK death train when it…
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What’s SUP
▶︎I’m not much of a team sports player. My junior high basketball career was cut short when my father accidently shaved my eyebrow off when he was “clipping” my bangs. The pre-teen WTF torture from the girls was more than I needed. I quit college lacrosse when I got popped in the mouth with a…
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You know you are leaving Los Angeles when you can comfortably throw out your Thomas Guide, the non-GPS bible to getting around. I knew I was leaving when the fire trucks arrived. Your layoff lady of leisure is discontinuing her 61-week underemployment lifestyle. My nationwide job search finds me relocating to Santa Barbara, California for…
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As you get older, sometimes you change. I’m shocked that some of my friends have become republicans or born again. I’m happy to report that, other than my sagging boobs, I haven’t changed. One of my unemployment projects has been ensuring all of my CDs have been ripped and added to iTunes. Yes, even Morrissey. …
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My inception
▶︎As of today, I’ve lived in Los Angeles seven years. It’s not really something to celebrate more than mark the time in awe. It has flown and yet it has stood still. I spent the afternoon with a New Yorker that relocated three years ago. She’s still adjusting, but mocks the place just like I…
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Once in a while I venture out of my zip code. Tonight was one part music – The Untouchables – and one part men, because when you leave West Hollywood it is like a field trip into straight-man territory. That means lipstick and heels for me. My girlfriend and I made it past the bouncer…
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Tonight the game was roulette and I was betting on odd. I finally worked up the courage to try Chat Roulette. Since I’ve had my share of creepy, weird guys, what are a few more? Let’s not forget that I am the old lady of the internet. I walked up hill both ways in the…
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I’m pretty sure I’m never getting laid again, and I’m ok with it. Here’s why. My dog is in love with me. It was a long courtship of walks, parks, car rides, and movies on the couch. He waited to sleep with me for six months. Then one day when I came home on crutches…
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I realize for most parents, one of their early happiest days are when their kid can wipe their own ass and make a meal. For me, it’s the two- to three-year old age bracket when they’ll repeat a cuss word unexpectedly. I laugh, the parents cringe. Today I was in Petco with Tex, my only…
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I had another one of those “oh fuck I do live in California” moments this week when I realized that 72 percent of my Thanksgiving guests were vegetarian or vegan. It really called into question if I had to buy a turkey or if I could get away with making turkey burgers. I haven’t made…
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In my continuing effort to live a healthy, unemployed lifestyle, I decided now would be a good time to try one of those eight-week, Runner’s World couch-to-marathon training programs. I started week two today and I think I’m going to flunk myself and repeat week one. I knew this was going to be a harder…
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Misery loves
▶︎I know I’ve spent the past six years bemoaning the labor of dating in Los Angeles. I’ve felt like I’ve been one part relationship anthropologist, one part therapist, and an off-and-on investigative journalist. But I know my observations and experiences aren’t far-fetched because I run into men and women everywhere that have similar stories. I…
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At my age, not a lot of new stuff happens to me. Admittedly, a lot of bizarre things occur when I go on dates in LA, but that falls into the bad date bucket. This weekend I had two unusual events happen to me. The last time I wore a bikini, my age was a…
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Tex and I were strolling back from our walk to the coffee shop on Melrose. We were in the home stretch, the last block, where Tex always lags behind. He’s not slow because he’s sniffing everything. He’s just old and tired. His hips try to keep up with his mind, but often fail him. Half-way…
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I think everyone has a love/hate relationship with New York. I have had three visits since leaving because I miss it so much, but need to stay away long enough to remember why I left six years ago. It’s getting harder to remember why. Within 30 minutes of getting out of JFK, my incense-burning cab…
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As the grumpy old lady of the internet, I have said I don’t have time for anything unless it is going to get me a job or get me laid. While Facebook has not yielded those results for me yet, it has lived up to the “social” part of marketing. When I posted my status…
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I know this isn’t an LA-specific phenomenon, so I can’t blame it on California, but why do old, retired people insist on doing their errands on my time? I realize they are the greatest generation, but what the fuck. Do they really need to be in the post office line at 8 a.m. with me…
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I won $100 for one quarter in the office Super Bowl pool. I realize this is random and requires no knowledge of football, but it’s exciting to me all the same. The last time I won something was at the state fair. The guy guessed my weight wrong and I got a stuffed animal. I…
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Yesterday was my birthday. No big deal and usually a nonevent for me, but when other people need an excuse to celebrate, I’m game. I mean, if there’s chocolate or beer involved, how horrible could it be. GC took me to dinner at a swank place last night. As he held my hand and looked…
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My brother and I had bad allergies as kids. As a result, we easily took naps. No complaints. In my adult life, I’ve continued my love of sleep, but now it borders on “you know you are getting old when….” When GC asked me if I had plans for New Years, I laughed. I mean,…
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Toys ‘r me
▶︎The last time I was in Toys ‘R Us may have been a decade or two or three ago. I just remember wanting to carve my ovaries out with a dull spoon. What got me in this time? Well, coffee and the prospect of sex, of course. Armed with a pumpkin latte, I went with…
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WWMD
▶︎They say with age comes experience. In Los Angeles, with dating comes experiences. A girlfriend recently had a male-variety dilemma. She actually stopped and asked herself, “What Would Marna Do?” I’m flattered that anyone would listen to my advice given my favorite four-lettered word is N-E-X-T and none of my dating experiences have lasted more…
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I’m not that inhibited when it comes to my body. Well, I’m not porn-star confident, so you won’t see me flashing my tits in a girls-gone-wild way. My college days are over. But when I’m scheduled for a deep tissue massage, and given a choice, I select a male because, you know, they are usually…
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There are times I miss Brooklyn. Good bagels. Real pizza. Funny Jews. It was very apparent last week I wasn’t anywhere near Brooklyn when I went to my corner market. I’ve been a shut-in since my foot surgery, but felt strong enough to venture out, primarily for fruit and human interaction. I put my backpack…
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There are certain addictions we find ways to overcome. Diabetics avoid bakeries. Alcoholics bypass liquor stores. I have avoided eBay for the longest time mainly because I don’t want to be a junk shopoholic. I’ve admired the company for years for giving common consumers the confidence they needed to make purchases on the Internet. But…
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I left my canine boyfriend, Tex, tonight and ventured out into the nightlife of Los Angeles. My girlfriend taunted me with LA Filmfest free drinks. I found her at the bar amongst a gaggle of young filmmakers and other desperate creatives looking for film funding or peer validation. When I walked up, she was talking…
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Is it a coincidence that the day I cancel my MySpace membership and open a Facebook account, we have a 5.4 earthquake? Thanks Rupert, it was a fun ride.
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When times are tough, you begin to evaluate all your expenses. When you aren’t getting laid, you review the cost of pedicures, waxing, razors, and other associated items. I decided to go off birth control since there wasn’t anything to control. Instead, I restarted my NetFlix membership. It seemed like a better use of $20.
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I continually run into my hot, straight neighbor on my dog walks. You know, the one that thinks I’m wholesome. We briefly chat about nothing, hug out, and I’m on my way. Our fakelationship has graduated. He rang the doorbell. “Hi, are you doing anything. I’m lonely and want company,” he said when I opened…
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My tax credit posted today. What a fucking crock of shit. It won’t even buy me two tanks of gas. I would of done better if I had “qualifying children” but apparently my $10 bag/week of Hill’s Science Diet dog food isn’t stimulating or qualifying enough. If only I had the time to purchase a…
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Since I have a dog to walk, I’m outside a lot and have met many of my neighbors as a result. I’m in West Hollywood, so I can safely assume all my neighbors are gay. While it’s not a target-rich environment, I’m still my smiling, giggly self – a female minority in a sea of…
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It’s a boy
▶︎For all you breeders who have received gifts from me during the past 20 odd years, I’ve got one thing to say. Ante up bitches, I’m a mother. Tex, my farting geezer foster American bulldog, has adopted me. Our six-week courtship was a blast and the experience made me realize I could handle going to…
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I try to participate in the public transportation experience in LA as often as I can; however, in nearly five years, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve had the thrill of a bus or subway ride. It’s usually because my car is in the shop or I have jury duty.…
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Hot doctor is trying get rid of me. After nearly two months of twice weekly dates, he’s got me on a bi-weekly schedule now. While he tells me I’m still his favorite redhead, I can tell he’s just not that into me. He’s fixed me and he’s got more needy patients now. I figured this…
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Playlists
▶︎Beans was over the other night and made the observation that my iPod doesn’t have a “makeout” playlist. I agreed that was odd since I’ve loved music forever, was a college DJ, and still kept up with what’s good and current. Oh, and I do love sex. It was necessary I build my K-tel equivalent…
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I may be the only woman in America that doesn’t like clothes shopping for myself. Get me in Home Depot, Williams-Sonoma, Amoeba Music, or Target and I’m a maniac. My aversion to shopping probably began when I was young. I was a fast grower. I mean fast. I was so huge when I was four,…
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Today’s doctor appointment revealed that I could/may be cleared for sex and yoga in nine days. I have no good reason for why I am recovering so quickly except attitude, diet, and sex on deck. While Beans pre-alibied a December absence, he reappeared when I was in recovery. He’s been quite present ever since, helping…
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My little game of Cat and Doctor continued today as I returned to my plastic surgeon’s office with a Christmas card (“thanks for the great ass”) and my German apple bread (“because only a girl with good farm stock hips could bake like this”). He came around the corner from another room and announced my…
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I was alone, naked in a room with a hot doctor. There was only one thing I could do and that was flirt. My plastic surgeon was marking me up with a Sharpie. Cut lines and what not. This takes nearly a hour to do for a body lift. My idle conversation began with, “So…
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I’m sure many have speculated how long I would last without a TV. I’m a communications person with roots in public affairs. Wouldn’t I miss spin? Netflix? Or at the very least, Sponge Bob reruns? Yes, yes, and yes. My fall off the wagon began with my stereo receiver. It had served me well, but…
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When you hit a certain age, you realize there’s no great place to live. You are either in the ‘burbs with the marrieds, or in the cheap area surrounded by young ones and Bud. What’s that leave me? West Hollywood. I live in the least target-rich environment on earth. But the view is great. At…
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When you are in New York, you go to the Empire State Building. When you are in San Francisco, you go to the wharf. In DC, you at least drive by the White House. No stay in Los Angeles is complete without a visit to a plastic surgeon. I can now check that off my…
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Today I had two what-the-fuck moments within a two-hour period. Of course, ex’s were involved. I woke up to an email announcing that one of them was going to be in LA in November and he’d like to extend his visit to see me. While 9/11 sped up our inevitable breakup, what is more interesting…
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I remember in grad school, back in 1991, when we were predicting internet penetration rates. We didn’t think the internet would catch on because, at the time, there were still a large percentage of U.S. households without telephones. Soon, analog broadcasts will be discontinued and replaced with HD… approximately one-fifth of this nation still does…
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Blow out
▶︎My hair salon left a voice mail asking if I needed a blow dry with my gray root dye job tomorrow morning. “Hi, this is Marna calling back about my appointment tomorrow. I just need a dye job without the blow job.” Laughter. “Oh wait, I do, in fact, desperately need a blow job, but…
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I love going to the doctor. Last week it was the dentist. I like the small talk he makes while he scrapes and tells me what great teeth I have. Today it was the GYN. The new patient forms are always a killer. I decided to give creative answers to see if they actually read.…
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I wouldn’t consider myself a fag hag. I love and respect anyone with good fashion sense and a keen ear for music which includes ABBA and the Scissor Sisters. As you can you imagine, with my open mind and open mouth, the gays flock to me. A friend coined the term “fruit fly.” I’ll own…
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I’ve been in Los Angeles four years. It’s hard to believe my stay has exceeded my time in New York. My LA Story isn’t filled without a few ironies: Tan lines: For the past two years, I’ve had a vitamin d deficiency. Body image: I’ve had fewer dates since I’ve lost 120 pounds. Last night,…
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I don’t know what traditional child-rearing is, but I’m sure when I get together with my single-mother friends, the kid is bound to learn something. Mom and Kid arrived Friday night and requested what any land-locked resident would: sushi. We had fish alfresco where we could dine and scope out the pedestrian meat. Kid quickly…
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You may not know this, but Los Angeles has a subway. It doesn’t go anywhere, so I’ve never been on it even though the stop is three avenues over and three streets up from my house. However, when my boss invited me to a fundraiser downtown at an Irish pub, I knew I should look…