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“Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.”- Dan Quayle 0

Posted on May 09, 2005 by Marna

For many today is a day scarier that watching a son get circumcised. More perplexing than knowing your daughter does drugs and more horrific than wondering if you should do anything for your partner for Valentine’s Day.

Mother’s day incites fear in most. What do you get the woman who says she has everything? Or is she the woman you can never please? Perhaps your mother is perfect, but a sampling of my friends’ opinions is probably statistically significant enough to back up the following hypothesis:

We all hate mother’s day.

One friend called her sister to find out where her mom was and discovered she was out. “Oh, good. I’ll call now and leave a message. I won’t have to actually talk to her.”

Another friend stated, “why do I have to acknowledge a woman who continues to provide me regular intervals of grief… at my age.”

“My mom is OK. I just wish she’d get a boyfriend so she would leave me alone,” said another friend.

Another friend declared he could probably become a professional hostage negotiator after his interchanges with his mother.

Many years ago I went to my father holding some of my babysitting money and asked him what we should get mom for mother’s day. His response was classic.

“I don’t know. She’s not my mother.”

That was the beginning of my age of enlightenment. Mother’s day never got easier after that.

Same playing field 0

Posted on April 03, 2005 by Marna

My friend’s 15 year-old daughter just told me on the phone, “oh my god, my mother is insane, you have to do something.” I bit the inside of my cheek, tried to hold back the laughs until I spurt out, “Oh, honey, get used to it. You’ve got about another 40 years before relief is in sight.”

Then I realized Kaylene saw me as some sort of responsible adult figure that could reason with her mother. That made me laugh harder. I mean, Kaylene could be my child if I had failed birth control in my 20s. Instead, she’s treating me as her peer which is something her mother wants more.

Kaylene proceeded to explain that her mother wants her and her two younger brothers to go on a “stupid family hike.” She doesn’t want to go. She wants to go to the mall to see some friends.

“And will there be boys at the mall?” I asked. She explained that a guy she likes is going to be there.

“Wow. That’s cool. I just went to this outdoor mall yesterday on a date with a guy. We had fun,” I explained.

I’m calling back in a few hours to distract her mother with my good mall date story. Forced family activities are a dime a dozen. Meeting a good guy at the mall is priceless.

I have to intervene.

Disciples in radio silence 0

Posted on December 05, 2004 by Marna

I have follower. Another friend has decided to cut her mother out of her life in order to preserve her sanity.

“I’m on day ten. I have some guilt about it, but I haven’t felt this good in a long time,” she confessed.

In order to avoid a relapse, I reminded her that bad mothers are like bad carbs. If we indulge, we get fat and feel bad about ourselves. Stay strong and stick to the no-mother diet.

  • About Marna

    Marna’s writing career started as a Pentagon intern. Early exposure to $500 toilet seat press releases made her appreciate creative nonfiction. Now she has more than 25 years of senior-level marketing and communications success working with Fortune 100 companies, government, nonprofits, small businesses, startups, and agencies.

    Stats: 378 Posts, 132 Comments

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