Dont Mince Words

The MaxiPad

I sold my first house, the sweat-equity 1908 money pit, in 1998. Since that time, I’ve lived in four states and had 12 different addresses. I consolidated my stuff down to the bare necessities and when I got laid off the last time, I sold everything and UPSed 18 boxes to Virginia. I’ve been in my “retirement” house for three months now and I’m so thankful I’m not a hoarder. I’m building a home without the nicked and scuffed leftovers of prior lives.

One thing has changed since my last home purchase – the internet and ecommerce. Home delivery and Amazon have made the need for a boyfriend or husband to hump something into my car obsolete. I see the UPS guy more often than all my old boyfriends combined. The other night, he was removing a package from my front porch when I opened the door.

“I’m so used to coming to your house, I forgot other people on your block might order things too,” he said laughing. Several nights later he was back delivering my fall California wine club package. I tipped him $20 and thanked him for helping me move in.

About 90 percent of my home is furnished now. It’s nice to be able to buy things that fit the space instead of making old things try to work. As I write this, two white guys are on a 40-foot ladder painting my balcony. That’s another thing that has changed.  If it requires a tool or prop I don’t have, I hire a man. That’s what they are good for. The time I save can be spent drinking beer while sitting on my new sofa online shopping.

When a brewpub opened called The Answer, I had to go. I strategically scheduled an offsite meeting with my graphic designer at 4:30 p.m. to check out the 30+ taps. After a month on the job, we still had to finalize our corporate world domination plans.

I believe I was on beer number three when a man came up to to our backs at the bar and introduced himself with “I had to come over here to see the only two pretty ladies in the bar who can last two hours drinking beer.”  He obviously did not go to college with me or know my passion for the beverage.

I guess I need to update my online dating profiles with “can drink beer a long time.”  Who knew that was attractive?

My biggest fear when I moved to Virginia in the winter was exercise.  I know, I know. But in Santa Barbara and Los Angeles I did a lot of walking and hiking. To move and immediately get hit with single-digit temps was scary.

Five additional pounds later and I developed a solution based on my age and physical capabilities. Your Layoff Lady of Leisure / Heiress bought an elliptical trainer. I created a home gym in my second bedroom. I hate going to gyms and this is the only piece of equipment I’ve always loved. In a week, my FitBit tells me I’ve gone 45 miles and shed 2.5 pounds. I credit new sneakers and a reduction in my Cougar Town-sized glasses of wine (except when it snows).

I’m not sure what you are supposed to do when you inherit money, but I know my mom, who has told me to lose weight my whole life, would have approved of this purchase. Giving up excesss volumes of wine? She’d question that.