Dont Mince Words

It’s been a long time since I’ve elected to travel by car on Thanksgiving Wednesday.  My desire to leave Santa Barbara was greater than the pain I knew I would endure.  Or so I thought.

Dixie and I decided to make it to the border town of Blythe, CA.  You know you are in a prison town when the “don’t pick up hitchhikers” signs appear on the Interstate.  The good news is, I found a room despite the usual holiday prisoner visits.  It took us 6.5 hours to go 329 miles.  That was painful and I had two cans of Red Bull to get me through.  But Dixie’s first motel stay went well.  My friends said she will be “fine” as long as she’s with me.

So far, so good.

Dixie

I love the smell of corrugate in the morning. I’m a bit of a professional mover. I save good boxes for future use. My move out of California has been flawless except for the stress Dixie has when she sees boxes and hears the squeal of the 3M packing tape.

Driving across country with a 70-pound dog while missing a nor’easter is my kind of fun.  I haven’t driven in “weather” since my last winter in Brooklyn in 2001.  I have packed the car accordingly:  small shovel, ice scraper, volcanic ash to put under tires, protein bars, dried fruit, and a case of CA wine. Dixie’s backseat charcuterie is more like a mobile lounge. She’s got her treats, kibble, bones and a plush faux shearling seat cover to stay warm.  And if things get tough, she’s got Benedryl and doggie painkillers in place of wine.

The stress for both of us will end as soon Santa Barbara is in the rear view. Tomorrow we hit the road for the next great adventure.  Goodbye California.

Did you hear that?  It’s my labia clapping because I’m leaving Santa Barbara.  My days in the land of college students and retirees are ending which means my dating life will come off life support.

I can laugh about dating in Los Angeles, but Santa Barbara has been the worst experience in my adult life.  There’s a handful of age- and height-appropriate men.  Toss in education and I’ve got about six men in a 30-mile radius I could date.  There are a fair share of freaks here too.  I can honestly say I was approached by two, yes 2, cross-dressers who liked my online profile because I looked “fun and open-minded.”  As much as it would be awesome to have someone to do my makeup, I can’t date anyone that has better legs than me.  My other notable experience was dating an old guy.  It was my first experience in the presence of Viagra.  I never thought I’d ever say “oh, no, not again” while in bed, but I know now that I’d rather be sawed in half by a drunk guy.  At least you know he’s going to eventually puke or pass out.

My layoff has prompted drastic life changes.  I’ve decided to move back to Richmond, Virginia – a town I left more than 15 years ago to begin my post-divorce “I want to experience everything tour.”  Now I’m going back because I need to be surrounded by good friends and enjoy a sensible cost of living.  And dating?  Yeah, I’ll get back on that horse.  It can only get better.