Dont Mince Words

Brian found me online. You know I’ve all but given up, but when digital me reels in a live one, I still have to respond.

After the usual rapid fire round of screening questions, we determined we were both looking for a relationship – nothing casual. We graduated to texting, then live phone on Monday night. He was on a business trip and wanted to coordinate lunch near my office on Friday.

Every morning and evening Brian texted something sweet and continued to emphasize how he couldn’t wait to meet me. He had been in Richmond two months and had not found anyone cool. Wednesday night he texted me unusually late and I let him know I was just wrapping up some west coast work.

B – “I’m a man whore”

Me – “Who’d you fuck?” I responded just screwing with him.

B – “The 19 year old waitress working at the restaurant. She just left.”

Did I mention Brian was my age?  So, 1) yuck and 2) yucky. I texted him back my standard line that I judge men by their actions not words and it appeared he wanted casual, so I’d have to cancel lunch on Friday.

I pulled the hook out and threw him back in.

Next.

You know what the start to a perfect day is?  Freshly ground coffee? Bacon frying? A blow job? Today, for me, it was a perfectly coiled crap in the toilet. You know, one of those “no way!!!!” works of art that you really feel will never be duplicated. Don’t worry, I didn’t take a picture. I did say “alright” loud enough that Dixie came running. We then took a three-mile walk and I finished my taxes. A shit is all it took to make me happy today.

The Devil’s Mess Scramble

The night before, Robert decided it would be cool if we just went to brunch for a date. A girl’s gotta eat, so 10 a.m. it was. I could finally check Millie’s brunch off my bucket list.

I texted 15 minutes prior to let him know I was on my way, but walking. I got there on time and waited and then decided sitting at the counter near the vodka was probably a smarter move. After 10 minutes, I got a “who you waiting on, hon?” from the waitress. I told her I thought I’d been stood up. A bloody mary was placed in my hand and the girl beside me said she was alone and I should eat with her. So I did and we did.

Great meal and good company. As far as the date? Well, he was probably married, right? Or scared? Or just not hungry. I never heard from him that day or after. But this is why a lot of women my age give up on dating. The disappointment can be frustrating. But if you always go in with low expectations and hope for an adventure of some sort, it’s fun. Or it’s blog material. When the check came, one of my BMs was comped — more proof bad dates can end nicely.