Dont Mince Words

More than four years ago, I planned a well-deserved vacation to Mexico with two girlfriends. We had all been working hard and were ready to play hard.

As part of our “fun” incentive package, I went to Target and got an economy box of condoms for us. Our goal was finish the box by the end of the week. I knew it was statistically improbable that each of us would have sex 2.7 times a day.

But a girl(s) can dream.

By day three, it was pretty apparent that we were not going to achieve our goal, so we started giving out the condoms as gag tips. I brought the rest home.

While I was packing for my recent vacation, I decided to pack a few condoms, just in case. My Mexican condoms were in the mix and had expired… in April. Four years later and I STILL couldn’t finish the box off.

But the condoms will not go to waste. I’m going to get some classy Cranes stationery and tape the expired Trojan inside with a note to Anne and Monica to remember to get laid more often.

I had a great vacation. The condoms I packed don’t expire until ’08. Hopefully I can meet that goal because you know an unused Trojan is a terrible thing to waste.

The last vacation I took with Anne was to Mexico. Our usual fixed vacation agenda item is to try to eat nachos every day. For the Mexico trip, I went to Target and bought an economy box of condoms. We calculated that we’d have to have sex 1.7 times per day to finish the box.

Those poor condoms expired before they ever were used, but the thought was there.

Three years later, we go on vacation again, except this time, we decided to drink my stash of wine. This was an achievable goal-1.5 bottles per day. A sure thing.

In between reds, we went to the Grand Canyon and did everything there is to do in Sedona. I bought gems. I bought Tarot cards. I had my palm read and my cards read. On our last day, a medium channeled my dead dad and told me, “You were married to your father in a past life. You lived in England during the Colonial days. He wore a 3-point hat and you came over and settled in Newport, Rhode Island.”

I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing. For the price of that information, I could buy three economy boxes of condoms.