Dont Mince Words

I used to look forward to Sunday nights to have an ocular orgy with David Duchovny in the X-Files. As I got older, Sunday nights became reserved for Tony Soprano and Carrie Bradshaw. Now I get to look forward to the kid drop off followed by divorced daddy sex with GC.

Last night’s pillow talk was a little different. I forgot, when dating a writer, there’s a chance he may actually read my blog. Dripping with sweat he said, “Oh, by the way, we’ve been dating for longer than 90 days.”

I’ve beat my LA relationship record. There must be a Hallmark gift for this. “Hey, so what do I get? Paper? A pen?” I asked

“You just got it,” he told me.

Oh yeah, that hot monkey sex with a real man instead of a machine. Yeah, that is the perfect gift. I’ve been paroled from bad LA dating.

Today a coworker changed his status on Facebook from single to “In relationship.” I realized, I still had my “Facebook is gonna get me laid” settings on. I changed it to “In relationship” looking to “network.” Holy crap, you would of thought there was a 7.0. I received one long distance call and dozens of emails and comments ranging from ‘congratulations” to “WTF.”

Everyone’s tragically heterosexual and single girl is now unavailable. Call the dogs off.

My affinity for younger men began long before I fell into the “cougar” demographic. I was 30, newly divorced, and in that cruel “sexual prime.” I would try anything (one) once. In my Lewis & Clark-esque discoveries, I found disgruntled married-man sex was the best sex out there. Now, I’d like to revise that finding.

With another decade of experience under my belt, I’m here to tell you, the best sex out there is Divorced Daddy Sex (DDS). Find a man that has spent a week with his kid: painfully slow peewee baseball, why questions, action figures, and the ever-popular I-want-I-want, and I’ll show you a man that’s dying for adult contact one-minute after the drop off at mom’s.

So, for all the 20-something boys who think I’m so cool: I love your energy. It’s been nice trying you. For every married man who thinks I’m so vivacious: Go screw your wife or nut up and divorce her. For all the 30-something guys in general: Get your emotionally unevolved asses to therapy and stop dating until you know what you want.

In addition to a health glow, an ancillary benefit to DDS is weight loss. But, its nice to know with one kiss, I can flip a dad from provider to…. holy crazy batshit sex provider and emotionally evolved partner.

It’s about time. I was worried I’d be in menopause before I figured this out.