Don't Mince Words



A newly discovered sex niche 0

Posted on November 15, 2008 by Marna

My affinity for younger men began long before I fell into the “cougar” demographic. I was 30, newly divorced, and in that cruel “sexual prime.” I would try anything (one) once. In my Lewis & Clark-esque discoveries, I found disgruntled married-man sex was the best sex out there. Now, I’d like to revise that finding.

With another decade of experience under my belt, I’m here to tell you, the best sex out there is Divorced Daddy Sex (DDS). Find a man that has spent a week with his kid: painfully slow peewee baseball, why questions, action figures, and the ever-popular I-want-I-want, and I’ll show you a man that’s dying for adult contact one-minute after the drop off at mom’s.

So, for all the 20-something boys who think I’m so cool: I love your energy. It’s been nice trying you. For every married man who thinks I’m so vivacious: Go screw your wife or nut up and divorce her. For all the 30-something guys in general: Get your emotionally unevolved asses to therapy and stop dating until you know what you want.

In addition to a health glow, an ancillary benefit to DDS is weight loss. But, its nice to know with one kiss, I can flip a dad from provider to…. holy crazy batshit sex provider and emotionally evolved partner.

It’s about time. I was worried I’d be in menopause before I figured this out.

The new all-time low 0

Posted on September 07, 2007 by Marna

I met a 27 year-old boy last night for a date. They call me cougarlicious in the office and I was living up to it, until I did some basic math.

Junior was cute, sweet and said the right things. Like, “Wow, you totally look like you are 31 at the most.”

Nice.

We continued to talk and he leaned in to kiss me. It was a nice one until I realized there was a 14-year age gap between us. That means, if I were a whore in high school, Junior would actually be old enough to be my son.

Insert the Macaulay Culkin, Home Alone face-slapping scream here.

I’m back to the 10-years younger rule. Leave the multi-generational dating gaps to Hugh Heffner. I can’t handle it.

Kids say the darnedest things 0

Posted on April 28, 2004 by Marna

“Wow, you don’t look 38. Maybe 31, but not 38. I’m 30 in August, so we’ll look the same age.”

The bad angel on my left shoulder said, “Congratulations. You won. Now shut up and take your clothes off.”

  • About Marna

    Marna’s writing career started as a Pentagon intern. Early exposure to $500 toilet seat press releases made her appreciate creative nonfiction. Now she has more than 25 years of senior-level marketing and communications success working with Fortune 100 companies, government, nonprofits, small businesses, startups, and agencies.

    Stats: 369 Posts, 128 Comments

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