Don't Mince Words



Is mercury in retrograde? 0

Posted on May 23, 2008 by Marna

I just had an ex- call me and tell me he loved me and he wanted to “correct this shit.” Stay tuned. He’s 3,000 miles away and we broke up 12 years ago.

. . .I can’t make this stuff up.

Catch-22 0

Posted on January 24, 2005 by Marna

How a year of dating in Los Angeles made me appreciate books and batteries

My 2004 resolution challenge was dating bulimia – I would date as much as possible until I got sick. I feasted on the men of Los Angeles while Kathleen, a friend in New York, did the same. Our goal was to get out there and meet people and not focus on our careers. We began this social endeavor with low expectations. Shortly thereafter, we were ready to jam our fingers down our throats.

If I could make it to the gym four to five days a week, I decided I could tolerate one date a week. I let everyone know I was available. I trolled the internet. I exercised options at the gym. I loitered in the produce aisle. I wanted to just get out and have fun with no strings attached. My resume and professional interviewing skills were built up; however, my dating dossier and related opposite sex conversational skills were sorely lacking. I was going for quantity, not quality this year.

I managed to go out with 22 men ranging in age from 28 to 48. I almost hit my frequency goal as well with dates 48 out of 52 weeks (holidays and exhaustion permitted me to take some time off). My high volume yielded some great stories – from the emotionally unavailable comic to the offshore-educated doctor. My counterpart in New York didn’t match my volume, but she did manage to run into the same “types.”

Oddball – This guy is usually quirky, strange, eccentric, and probably a Trekkie. They are nice, but you wonder what’s in their basement. Chris was a 45-year-old tobacco chewing dot com guy that lost it all in the market down turn. His change of life career became day acting and one of his more notable roles was as an extra in Seabiscuit.

Successful but emotionally unavailable – They have it all except a desire to have a healthy relationship and healthy for them usually means sex on the first date. I met several guys in this category. John was a 40-year-old salesman that told me I’d make the perfect wife, if that was what he was looking for. He’s keeping me at the top if his list until he’s ready.

Rockyfella – The unemployed or cheap guy is everywhere. If you are going to date, you need to have the resources. One of my dates “accidentally” had no cash when the check came and he realized he left his credit cards at home. This 48-year-old man told me I could pass for 29 with my curls. That pre-check compliment didn’t earn him a second date.

Brainiacs – Smart is sexy, but when you need to bring encyclopedias on a date, smart can be boring. I went out with a university professor that was so intelligent, I couldn’t keep up. He couldn’t talk about anything nonacademic. We did get close when he admitted he used to have a backgammon addiction.

Hog tied – With this ring, I thee cheat. The married guys are sneaky. They pose as separated, divorced, and single, but what they really are is bored, married guys. One sucked me into his web then admitted he was married, but was looking for a monogamous lover while he kept his wife on the side.

Nice guys – They are everywhere, but hopefully they don’t finish last. Sometimes they spend so much time being nice that they don’t allow for chemistry to develop. Dave, a 46-year-old museum archivist, was a nice guy and we had good conversation, but no connection. He did tell me I was a nice lady.

Musicians – Los Angeles, like New York, is a creative town filled with musicians. I was due to date one on this coast. Brett was a bass player. The last bass player I dated left me to join the circus band. I said I’d never date a musician again, but I thought I’d give Brett a shot. Music was his mistress as well and his schedule didn’t permit regular dating.

Reruns –Reruns are men you’ve dated before, said you’d never do it again, and you relapse. Andy received his second shot in the fall. We originally went out in the spring, but had to break up because he wasn’t ready for such a “real” relationship. He was renewed as a rerun with a double-secret probation clause. He didn’t last 30 days before it ended with an emotional breakdown grand finale several days later. Show cancelled.

Jocks – this good time guy is always available for short term relationships. They are gamey, fun, and oftentimes dumb. Mike, a 40-year-old fireman and tri-athlete, met me for putt-putt golf on our first date. Within the first ten minutes, he challenged me to a thumb wrestling match. Twenty minutes later he decided it would be fun to see if he could unhook my bra in one take. He did, just like The Fonz. Heeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

It was a busy year for me. In 2005, I will take my 2004 lessons under advisement and revert back to books and batteries sprinkled with passive dating. While my dating spree has provided me with a stable of good material, I’m ready for quality now as Kathleen and I work on our book about dating. I enjoyed the feast, but I think I’ll enjoy my 2005 famine much more.

If Virginia is for lovers, where does that leave California? 0

Posted on August 12, 2004 by Marna

A good Virginia girl found love in California. I have proof, it is possible, but,as you would expect, the freak flag is flying high.

The announcement states the couple had a double-tattoo ceremony. The bride tricked out her mother’s wedding dress. The groom wore white formal attire and derby embellished with kaleidoscopic braid and feathers. The couple were attended by a cast of forest deities. Ceremonies concluded in the evening with a burning of the groom’s interactive sculpture, The Swirling Cosmic Mystery.

This news item was sent to me by a friend in Virginia. She was probably suggesting this is what I have to look forward to.

Today, I rejoice in my singleness. While my vibrator batteries are recharging, I’ll go to Venice beach, bow to the setting sun, and say a prayer to my chakras. I have confirmation: There is someone for everyone, even in California.

  • About Marna

    Marna’s writing career started as a Pentagon intern. Early exposure to $500 toilet seat press releases made her appreciate creative nonfiction. Now she has more than 25 years of senior-level marketing and communications success working with Fortune 100 companies, government, nonprofits, small businesses, startups, and agencies.

    Stats: 369 Posts, 128 Comments

  • Recent Posts

  • Tag cloud

  • Old Posts



↑ Top