Dont Mince Words

I was vegan for six months before I moved to Santa Barbara.  I fell off the wagon when I began to date a guy who could cook and had a gas grill the size of a double wide.  Carne asada was my new best friend.  That relationship ended, buy my affair with meat continued.

One thing I did without just fine in Santa Barbara was sex.  I recently decided that if I could go 18 months without sex, it was probably time to rethink the vegan thing.  Bill Clinton went vegan and like most everyone, the only thing he missed was cheese.

Cheese is my gateway drug.  It’s my favorite dinner as a single girl.  Couple of crackers.  Couple of slices.  Glass of wine.  2000 calories later, I’m looking at the cheese wheel more passionately than I do my vibrator.

So, I dove back into the plant-based life and decided to avoid the fake vegan cheese too.  The first 45 days were great but I fell off the wagon while on vacation.  What was my first infraction?  Cheese?  No, it was god’s most divine food:  bacon on a BLT and it was heavenly.  Once in Hawaii, my personal cheating best was ahi poke.

If I were in a 12-Step program, my sponsor would tell me I’m doing good avoiding situations that expose me to cheese.  Now if I can avoid men that cook, I should be able to maintain the lifestyle.

I hate texting, but once in a while it’s fun to see a “conversation” unfold.  This is between me and AMFINS (a male friend I never screwed).  Two single adults, home on a Saturday night, drinking, watching TV, and texting.

AMFINS:  I’m drunk.  You aren’t.  Me awesome.

ME:  I’m catching up.

AMFINS:  Fucking drunk.  Meeeeee.

ME:  Bergins?

AMFINS:  I was there.  I had a beer crawl in downtown.  WOMANS you Woman Marna Drunk Me.

ME:  Don’t drive your Porsche.

AMFINS:  Woman.  I need hookers.  And beer.  And blow. And more hookers. And some potato salad.  And a fresca.

ME:  You are killing me.  LOL.

AMFINS:  I am watching Die Hard.  WOMAN.  Hookers for me now.

ME:  I’m watching White Collar, eating Starburst, drinking wine while Dixie licks her ass.

At this point, AMFINS calls me and lets me know the next time I’m in LA, we’re getting drunk.  This was his morning after exchange:

AMFINS:  I was very drunk last night.  Blasted actually.

ME:  It was fun. You must be an Olympic drinker because you didn’t slur at all.

AMFINS:  I’ve had practice.

And this is why I choose my friends wisely and I love the friends I have.

I completed my graduate degree at night while working a full-time job during the day.  When I finished, I didn’t read for a year.  No books, no newspapers, no magazines.  I was so burnt out from school, it was my way to detox and feel in control of my free time.  Since then, I’ve taken classes to meet people with similar interests.  I even registered to start pre-law classes at John Jay, but withdrew after 9/11.

Now online ed/distance learning is the thing and I’m back in a corporate environment that makes you create personal “development” goals.  It’s all monkeyspank, I know.  Anyone that knows me, knows I can personally develop by changing vibrator attachments.  But whatever, I’ll play the game.

I registered for a six-week brand writing class and let me tell you, I’m through with school and admit I’m too old for this shit:  homework deadlines, people that ask dumb questions, and professors that have less professional experience than me.

Deadlines and stupid people?  I can just work late.  I’m back to getting my education through books, documentaries, and life experience.