Dont Mince Words

I know I’ve threatened to stop dating.  Instead, I added to my arsenal of vibrators.  And I know the definition of crazy, yet I still repeat the same behavior.  Now I’m seriously considering my friends’ advice:  it has to be dating in California.

It’s been another banner month of dating in Santa Barbara as I continue to receive “be my friend” text messages from The Schnauzer.  This time around, I had a momentary twinge of hope when a 51 year-old mechanical engineer wanted to meet me for happy hour.  Several hours before, he backed out because he had to work late.  No biggie, so did I.  But he did stay in touch via text message and let me know he was bisexual.  Right.  With nothing to lose, I got more clarification.  He’s not the shut-your-eyes-and-pretend-the-blowjob-is-from-a woman kind of bi.  He likes getting his ass pumped from time to time.  If that wasn’t enough, he casually mentioned that he liked to dress in drag.  He sent me pictures and, yes, he’s prettier than me and has better legs.  It would be kind of cool to have a boyfriend I could share lipstick and Spanx with, but at the end of the day, I like my cock straight with no deviation.

Saturday I was stood up by a different 51 year-old who confirmed the date four hours prior.  No call, no text, no email, no show. The good news is I got two great glasses of wine in and became the tasting room’s Foursquare major.

I didn’t have to leave Los Angeles to encounter these kind of behaviors.  My short-term solution may be to get a bike.  That’s the only bi I’m going to let between my legs…until I pass a cute guy on the bike path and think, “I wonder if he’s straight?”

When I was signing my lease, the assistant, a lifetime native of Santa Barbara, warned me, “Whatever you do, just be nice to everyone.  Even ex-boyfriends.  This town is small.”  I realize this falls under The Golden Rule crap my parents taught me.

I haven’t seen The Schnauzer since the infamous hot tub/back shaving incident.  My Golden Rule is Out of Sight/Out of Mind because I just wasn’t that into him.  Hairy back aside (have you seen my thighs? I know about embracing heritage), when he admitted he had a porn addiction and thought beer was a waste of money, I knew he wasn’t the guy for me.  When he said he was conflicted because he wanted to marry a girl with little-to-no sexual history, I knew I wasn’t the girl for him.  Nice getting to know you, but we aren’t right for each other.

Next.

Imagine my surprise when I received a text message from The Schnauzer Friday, “Hi Marna, I saw you walking with your date yesterday.  Its OK I understand. I was hoping we could still be friends I thought you were interesting.”

I’m not sure where this communication is coming from since it’s been more than a month since his clipping.  I realize this is a small town, and I will be polite if I ever seen him squeezing the melons in Trader Joe’s, but I really don’t need another friend.

My friends have great communication skills.  And they don’t mince words.

Zipping a dress.  Helping with a necklace clasp.  Reaching the top shelf.  As a single woman, these are some of the things I need help with around the house.  This was a banner week for special requests from men.

A let’s-just-be-friends male invited me to dinner.  While we are highly compatible, I assume men with women friends are going for the slow conversion.  I remain hyperaware and keep the pussy on lockdown.  I drank a bottle of wine while he cooked.  Great meal.  Good conversation.  When I was preparing to leave with my thoughtful leftovers, he asked me for a hand job in a come-on-please very sober voice.  I took my chicken and assumed his arms were long enough to reach his own cock.

Three days later, I’m in a jacuzzi with another guy.  When we got back to his place to change, he called me into his bathroom.  “Could you do me a favor and shave my back?” he asked.  Finally, something a man can’t reach.  When I finished and looked at the pile of fur, I had a sense of accomplishment I hadn’t felt since…. clipping my schnauzer.

These experiences mirror my personality – a mix of crazy red head and den mother.  From hand jobs to back jobs, my life can never be called dull.