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“Change your criteria and open yourself up to something different. I would of never met my husband if I hadn’t,” said a coworker. So I did. And I went on a date with a 66 year-old man from Tinder. The conversation was great so I decided I could do this. For our second date, he…
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You know you are leaving Los Angeles when you can comfortably throw out your Thomas Guide, the non-GPS bible to getting around. I knew I was leaving when the fire trucks arrived. Your layoff lady of leisure is discontinuing her 61-week underemployment lifestyle. My nationwide job search finds me relocating to Santa Barbara, California for…
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When I was very, very young, my parents has a fabulous farting Dalmatian named Zip. From what I remember, she was your typical stupid, fence jumping Dalmatian. But she was also known as my nanny. Urban tale has it that she slept under my crib and woke my parents up one night when my puke…
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I wish I could say it’s hard to believe I’ve been out of work exactly a year today, but it’s true. I mentally assumed, based on the economy, my age, and my salary expectations, that my job search would be long. That’s why I immediately dubbed myself the “Layoff Lady of Leisure.” My new “job”…
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As you get older, sometimes you change. I’m shocked that some of my friends have become republicans or born again. I’m happy to report that, other than my sagging boobs, I haven’t changed. One of my unemployment projects has been ensuring all of my CDs have been ripped and added to iTunes. Yes, even Morrissey. …
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My inception
▶︎As of today, I’ve lived in Los Angeles seven years. It’s not really something to celebrate more than mark the time in awe. It has flown and yet it has stood still. I spent the afternoon with a New Yorker that relocated three years ago. She’s still adjusting, but mocks the place just like I…
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I’ve said it before. Interviewing for a job is just like dating. Do you have the same interests? Do you like women? Is there long-term potential? The downside to interviewing is you can’t give a fake name or sneak out the back door when you see you’ve made a bad decision. I had a funny…
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Once in a while I venture out of my zip code. Tonight was one part music – The Untouchables – and one part men, because when you leave West Hollywood it is like a field trip into straight-man territory. That means lipstick and heels for me. My girlfriend and I made it past the bouncer…
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In the mail on Monday, I received one of those friendly reminders from the local Honda dealership telling me that it was probably time to change oil. I realized I didn’t come close to hitting their high mileage estimate. I have become the little old lady of West Hollywood. Being laid off, there are days…
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To say Tex is my favorite pet isn’t fair to those before him, but rescuing, fostering, and adopting him has been a true experience. He is mellow and wise like Yoda. He makes me smile every day. I wanted to return the favor and throw a party for his 12th birthday. Getting people to West…
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Tonight the game was roulette and I was betting on odd. I finally worked up the courage to try Chat Roulette. Since I’ve had my share of creepy, weird guys, what are a few more? Let’s not forget that I am the old lady of the internet. I walked up hill both ways in the…
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My friends keep me in check. They also tease me about some of my more memorable dating and relationship decisions. A friend in New York recently called me laughing from a bar. “Oh my God, Marna. Magic Hat has a new hefeweizen out called “Circus Boy.” What ever happened to that fucking tool?” he asked….
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The Betty Ford Center will soon open a wing in my honor – for those suffering from unromantic Valentine’s Day addiction. My bender began in 1974. Mrs. Kessenger, my third grade teacher, engineered a project to get our class excited about Valentine’s Day. Or was it just her way of getting rid of the red…
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In my next life, I want to come back as a gay addict. The habit is TBD. All I know is these 12-step meetings are one-part sobriety maintenance and three-parts hookup. The gays in West Hollywood don’t need to online date. When they have free time, they go to a “meeting.” My Main Gay is…
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I’m pretty sure I’m never getting laid again, and I’m ok with it. Here’s why. My dog is in love with me. It was a long courtship of walks, parks, car rides, and movies on the couch. He waited to sleep with me for six months. Then one day when I came home on crutches…
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I realize for most parents, one of their early happiest days are when their kid can wipe their own ass and make a meal. For me, it’s the two- to three-year old age bracket when they’ll repeat a cuss word unexpectedly. I laugh, the parents cringe. Today I was in Petco with Tex, my only…
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Support online shopping and struggling Los Angeles writers by purchasing Sleeping with snakes: Notes from the Los Angeles underbelly. Give the gift of Marna. My short story, “Talking Dirty,” appears alongside other fabulous authors observing life in Los Angeles. Charles Bukowski, the granddaddy of dirty talk, is also included in the collection. Also available on…
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This is probably just me. My little problem, you know, because I was born before 1980. But when a help wanted/job ad says “profitable online startup,” that is not a positive selling point to me. It’s about as appealing as a partner telling me their Valtrex copay is only $5.
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I had another one of those “oh fuck I do live in California” moments this week when I realized that 72 percent of my Thanksgiving guests were vegetarian or vegan. It really called into question if I had to buy a turkey or if I could get away with making turkey burgers. I haven’t made…
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In my continuing effort to live a healthy, unemployed lifestyle, I decided now would be a good time to try one of those eight-week, Runner’s World couch-to-marathon training programs. I started week two today and I think I’m going to flunk myself and repeat week one. I knew this was going to be a harder…
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With my focus on my career, I’m sure you were worried that I’d never write about guys or dates again. Not to worry, this is Los Angeles, so there’s always going to be a story. I just haven’t had the time to write this one. Houston (let’s call him that instead of nutless) and I…
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I love my friends and my network that alert me to jobs I might not normally find through my channels. A writer girlfriend emailed me about a Twitter post she was following. “They are going to announce a job,” she said. I immediately signed on and followed the Twit to find out what was going…
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Moe town fun
▶︎An old friend was in town with her 20 year-old daughter for the weekend. We were all over the place doing the usual touristy-type stuff. When they were getting ready to leave to go home, the daughter said, “Is every guy in LA gay?” “Can you tell how hard it must be for me to…
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This is going to be my last unemployment summary because not much changes from week-to-week. I meet unemployed friends for drinks, I make calls, I send resumes, and I have interviews. One thing that was reinforced this week was how much interviews are like dates. And selecting a job is like choosing a husband –…
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I didn’t realize it, but apparently gay Target in West Hollywood can be a pickup joint. Instead of winking at me over the salad sneeze guard, he caught me in the facial care aisle while I was thinking about squeezing zits. I’m not sure if it is stress or the desire to be a teenager…
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As I continue to network and build my LinkedIn empire, there is an undercurrent of panic. I know I have about 45 days to find a job before everything stalls until 1Q10. I had four dates with my Outtie friends this week. Three of them aren’t even looking. They are enjoying their sabbatical away from…
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OK, where has the time gone? It has really been a month since I’ve lost my job? Really. If I were to describe this week I’d have to say “socially bananas.” It was Labor Day week, so there were a few cookouts. In between all that, the boyfriend decided to infuse some music in my…
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I have to get a job soon, if only to rest. My availability is creating severe social distractions while my tan fades. My week started out of town. The boyfriend took Tex and I to Vegas and then up to UT to check on a condo he’s trying to sell. My excitement was centered around…
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I don’t envy phone customer service reps in any business. It is a thankless job. But it has to be especially painful if you are working the phones for the Employment Development Department for the State of California. My claim form hasn’t arrived, so another Outtie friend supplied me with a way to bypass the…
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Since my first week of unemployment was unseasonably cloudy, I gave myself permission to extend my slackness into a second week. I was on a mission to be less white as well as to socialize with my other out of work friends (outties). I was very excited on Monday when it was hot and sunny,…
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It is fun to watch the expression on people’s faces when I tell them that every career move I have made, with the exception of a move to Richmond, Va. for grad school and my California move, has been a result of a layoff or to avoid one. Confusion and concern are dominant reactions. Like…
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Misery loves
▶︎I know I’ve spent the past six years bemoaning the labor of dating in Los Angeles. I’ve felt like I’ve been one part relationship anthropologist, one part therapist, and an off-and-on investigative journalist. But I know my observations and experiences aren’t far-fetched because I run into men and women everywhere that have similar stories. I…
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I’ve revised the Kubler-Ross grief cycle to consider the emotional states of dating in Los Angeles. Shock stage – initial paralysis after a few bad first dates and remembering someone telling you you’d have to “import” your men if you lived in Los Angeles. Denial stage – continuing to date because you can’t believe it…
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At my age, not a lot of new stuff happens to me. Admittedly, a lot of bizarre things occur when I go on dates in LA, but that falls into the bad date bucket. This weekend I had two unusual events happen to me. The last time I wore a bikini, my age was a…
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Tex and I were strolling back from our walk to the coffee shop on Melrose. We were in the home stretch, the last block, where Tex always lags behind. He’s not slow because he’s sniffing everything. He’s just old and tired. His hips try to keep up with his mind, but often fail him. Half-way…
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Los Angeles is full of creative people, so it was only a matter of time before I’d have a date with a musician. Who knew it would be a doubleheader. I’ve dated musicians before, but they’ve had day jobs which puts them in the frustrated artist category. These guys were “real” musicians. Friday night was…
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A close girlfriend got out of a 2.5 year fakelationship and nearly immediately got back to the online dating business with some mildly successful results. I found her get-back-on-the-horse determination inspiring enough to return to the game also. My out-of-the-gate experience left a friend in New York saying, “can you move to San Francisco? Even…
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O Henry
▶︎Before the internet and widespread MTV adoption, college radio was what we relied on to hear new and different music. It is what prompted me to DJ at my college and at the all-boys school seven miles down the road. It’s also when I started my 25 year long-distance relationship/obsession with Henry Rollins. My shows…
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In prayers
▶︎I’m going to pitch a new TV show to the networks. “Are you better at Wii than a 7 year-old” will feature gaming unsaavy adults playing Wii against their younger relatives. I discovered during Easter, in my attempt to be hip with the nephews, I need to upgrade my Ms. Pacman-era gaming skills. While everyone…
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I think everyone has a love/hate relationship with New York. I have had three visits since leaving because I miss it so much, but need to stay away long enough to remember why I left six years ago. It’s getting harder to remember why. Within 30 minutes of getting out of JFK, my incense-burning cab…
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This old dog
▶︎It’s official. Tex is my longest running relationship since arriving in LA. He’s emotionally available, he’s big, he doesn’t flake on me, and me makes me smile every day. We’ve been together a little more than a year and April Fool’s Day is his designated 11th birthday since it’s easy to remember and it reminds…
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As the grumpy old lady of the internet, I have said I don’t have time for anything unless it is going to get me a job or get me laid. While Facebook has not yielded those results for me yet, it has lived up to the “social” part of marketing. When I posted my status…
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I know this isn’t an LA-specific phenomenon, so I can’t blame it on California, but why do old, retired people insist on doing their errands on my time? I realize they are the greatest generation, but what the fuck. Do they really need to be in the post office line at 8 a.m. with me…
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Since I’ve been dating GC for a while, I haven’t been able to say my favorite four-lettered word, N-E-X-T. However, that hasn’t stopped my girlfriends from calling to seek advice or validation from me. Linda called me yesterday laughing about Fire Marshall Bill troubles. It seems he has been playing the field and one of…
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I won $100 for one quarter in the office Super Bowl pool. I realize this is random and requires no knowledge of football, but it’s exciting to me all the same. The last time I won something was at the state fair. The guy guessed my weight wrong and I got a stuffed animal. I…
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Yesterday was my birthday. No big deal and usually a nonevent for me, but when other people need an excuse to celebrate, I’m game. I mean, if there’s chocolate or beer involved, how horrible could it be. GC took me to dinner at a swank place last night. As he held my hand and looked…
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Most people’s soundtrack for sex is that porny bern-chica-bern-bern. Not me. When I think of sex, I hear the theme of The Rockford Files. Television was a big deal for kids growing up in the ‘70s. One of the biggest days in our household was the arrival of a second black and white TV for…
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My brother and I had bad allergies as kids. As a result, we easily took naps. No complaints. In my adult life, I’ve continued my love of sleep, but now it borders on “you know you are getting old when….” When GC asked me if I had plans for New Years, I laughed. I mean,…
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Toys ‘r me
▶︎The last time I was in Toys ‘R Us may have been a decade or two or three ago. I just remember wanting to carve my ovaries out with a dull spoon. What got me in this time? Well, coffee and the prospect of sex, of course. Armed with a pumpkin latte, I went with…
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I used to look forward to Sunday nights to have an ocular orgy with David Duchovny in the X-Files. As I got older, Sunday nights became reserved for Tony Soprano and Carrie Bradshaw. Now I get to look forward to the kid drop off followed by divorced daddy sex with GC. Last night’s pillow talk…
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WWMD
▶︎They say with age comes experience. In Los Angeles, with dating comes experiences. A girlfriend recently had a male-variety dilemma. She actually stopped and asked herself, “What Would Marna Do?” I’m flattered that anyone would listen to my advice given my favorite four-lettered word is N-E-X-T and none of my dating experiences have lasted more…
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I’m not that inhibited when it comes to my body. Well, I’m not porn-star confident, so you won’t see me flashing my tits in a girls-gone-wild way. My college days are over. But when I’m scheduled for a deep tissue massage, and given a choice, I select a male because, you know, they are usually…
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My affinity for younger men began long before I fell into the “cougar” demographic. I was 30, newly divorced, and in that cruel “sexual prime.” I would try anything (one) once. In my Lewis & Clark-esque discoveries, I found disgruntled married-man sex was the best sex out there. Now, I’d like to revise that finding….
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I heard Oprah once said that if you want a man in your life, you have to imagine him and create him in some sort of collage and then he will manifest. I got as far as buying magnum condoms. And you know me and condoms, I buy them and they often expire. In fact,…
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I spent the first four years in Los Angeles dating voraciously, trying to make up for my career-first East coast days. I’m now a dog owner, which has kind of changed my outlook on dating. You are going to have to be better than my dog and my vibrator to get me out of the…
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There are times I miss Brooklyn. Good bagels. Real pizza. Funny Jews. It was very apparent last week I wasn’t anywhere near Brooklyn when I went to my corner market. I’ve been a shut-in since my foot surgery, but felt strong enough to venture out, primarily for fruit and human interaction. I put my backpack…
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When you haven’t had good sex in a very long time, you hit that point where you become OK without it. You get used to it. Or you get a dog to keep your mind off it. But there is that fear, like a diabetic having a small slice of cake, that when you do…
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There are certain addictions we find ways to overcome. Diabetics avoid bakeries. Alcoholics bypass liquor stores. I have avoided eBay for the longest time mainly because I don’t want to be a junk shopoholic. I’ve admired the company for years for giving common consumers the confidence they needed to make purchases on the Internet. But…
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In order to cope at work, a friend has decided to channel her strong inner black woman. I now jokingly call her “Nay Nay” which is short for Shanaynay, a character created by Martin Lawrence. Today, after receiving two loser reconnects in one day, I decided I needed to go black too. Joker #1 called…
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I left my canine boyfriend, Tex, tonight and ventured out into the nightlife of Los Angeles. My girlfriend taunted me with LA Filmfest free drinks. I found her at the bar amongst a gaggle of young filmmakers and other desperate creatives looking for film funding or peer validation. When I walked up, she was talking…
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Is it a coincidence that the day I cancel my MySpace membership and open a Facebook account, we have a 5.4 earthquake? Thanks Rupert, it was a fun ride.
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When times are tough, you begin to evaluate all your expenses. When you aren’t getting laid, you review the cost of pedicures, waxing, razors, and other associated items. I decided to go off birth control since there wasn’t anything to control. Instead, I restarted my NetFlix membership. It seemed like a better use of $20.
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When you have a good dog, and a good vibrator, is there any need to date in LA? Today I came to my senses and decided, ah, no thank you. On Thursday night I was coaxed out of my canine enclave to see a 70’s-style punk band. When they opened with “I’m not your stepping…
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I continually run into my hot, straight neighbor on my dog walks. You know, the one that thinks I’m wholesome. We briefly chat about nothing, hug out, and I’m on my way. Our fakelationship has graduated. He rang the doorbell. “Hi, are you doing anything. I’m lonely and want company,” he said when I opened…
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Today I salute you. Mr. Keep Calling Back. (Mr. Keep Calling Back) Armed with a cell phone, Marna’s number saved, you keep dialing. (She’s not calling back) Two months later, you are sure she’s still busy. (Maybe she has a new job) The first date was great. (But she didn’t have a second beer) The…
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I received a reminder that ex’s are ex’s for a reason. Circus boy called. He’s a guy I dated in New York before I moved to California. His most notable relationship error was leaving me at his family event to go help an ex-girlfriend who was “stranded” on the side of the road. We broke…
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I just had an ex- call me and tell me he loved me and he wanted to “correct this shit.” Stay tuned. He’s 3,000 miles away and we broke up 12 years ago. . . .I can’t make this stuff up.
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My tax credit posted today. What a fucking crock of shit. It won’t even buy me two tanks of gas. I would of done better if I had “qualifying children” but apparently my $10 bag/week of Hill’s Science Diet dog food isn’t stimulating or qualifying enough. If only I had the time to purchase a…
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Since I have a dog to walk, I’m outside a lot and have met many of my neighbors as a result. I’m in West Hollywood, so I can safely assume all my neighbors are gay. While it’s not a target-rich environment, I’m still my smiling, giggly self – a female minority in a sea of…
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It’s a boy
▶︎For all you breeders who have received gifts from me during the past 20 odd years, I’ve got one thing to say. Ante up bitches, I’m a mother. Tex, my farting geezer foster American bulldog, has adopted me. Our six-week courtship was a blast and the experience made me realize I could handle going to…
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I try to participate in the public transportation experience in LA as often as I can; however, in nearly five years, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve had the thrill of a bus or subway ride. It’s usually because my car is in the shop or I have jury duty….
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I’ve ramped up my Internet dating again. After last week’s happy hour fiasco, I’ve gone back to the horrid 20-minute coffee date. Tonight I added a twist. I brought a dog, or as I will now call him, my “get out of jail free card.” Tex is an 80-pound American Bulldog I’m fostering and he…
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Tonight I realized there’s a magical male age when they can play Jedi mind tricks with their dick and hold a conversation during a date without the fear that blood will be drawn from their brain. The 31 year-old I was with was obviously the team captain of the cock Special Olympics. He was obsessed…
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I was in the office checking my email early this morning when the guy I report to walked by then backed up and did a double-take. “What did you do to your hair?” he asked. “I washed and straightened it last night. Washing my hair seems to be a Valentine’s Day tradition.” I replied. His…
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Love stinks
▶︎I’m not a fan of this holiday, but if you are going to recognize it, do it balls-out-swinging, otherwise, mutually agree it’s a stupid holiday, let it pass in silence, and find a different way to profess your love. Beans, who still lives eight blocks from me, sent an e-card. Seriously, an e-card, but it…
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Hot doctor is trying get rid of me. After nearly two months of twice weekly dates, he’s got me on a bi-weekly schedule now. While he tells me I’m still his favorite redhead, I can tell he’s just not that into me. He’s fixed me and he’s got more needy patients now. I figured this…
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Playlists
▶︎Beans was over the other night and made the observation that my iPod doesn’t have a “makeout” playlist. I agreed that was odd since I’ve loved music forever, was a college DJ, and still kept up with what’s good and current. Oh, and I do love sex. It was necessary I build my K-tel equivalent…
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I may be the only woman in America that doesn’t like clothes shopping for myself. Get me in Home Depot, Williams-Sonoma, Amoeba Music, or Target and I’m a maniac. My aversion to shopping probably began when I was young. I was a fast grower. I mean fast. I was so huge when I was four,…
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Today’s doctor appointment revealed that I could/may be cleared for sex and yoga in nine days. I have no good reason for why I am recovering so quickly except attitude, diet, and sex on deck. While Beans pre-alibied a December absence, he reappeared when I was in recovery. He’s been quite present ever since, helping…
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My little game of Cat and Doctor continued today as I returned to my plastic surgeon’s office with a Christmas card (“thanks for the great ass”) and my German apple bread (“because only a girl with good farm stock hips could bake like this”). He came around the corner from another room and announced my…
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I was alone, naked in a room with a hot doctor. There was only one thing I could do and that was flirt. My plastic surgeon was marking me up with a Sharpie. Cut lines and what not. This takes nearly a hour to do for a body lift. My idle conversation began with, “So…
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Can you get out of future bad behavior by paying forward with an apology? Yes you can. It’s called a pre-alibi. Beans called and recited a laundry list of business trips and other obligations he had during the month of December. He made it sound like he was being deployed and didn’t know when he’d…
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I’m sure many have speculated how long I would last without a TV. I’m a communications person with roots in public affairs. Wouldn’t I miss spin? Netflix? Or at the very least, Sponge Bob reruns? Yes, yes, and yes. My fall off the wagon began with my stereo receiver. It had served me well, but…
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When you hit a certain age, you realize there’s no great place to live. You are either in the ‘burbs with the marrieds, or in the cheap area surrounded by young ones and Bud. What’s that leave me? West Hollywood. I live in the least target-rich environment on earth. But the view is great. At…
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When you are in New York, you go to the Empire State Building. When you are in San Francisco, you go to the wharf. In DC, you at least drive by the White House. No stay in Los Angeles is complete without a visit to a plastic surgeon. I can now check that off my…
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Today I had two what-the-fuck moments within a two-hour period. Of course, ex’s were involved. I woke up to an email announcing that one of them was going to be in LA in November and he’d like to extend his visit to see me. While 9/11 sped up our inevitable breakup, what is more interesting…
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I met a 27 year-old boy last night for a date. They call me cougarlicious in the office and I was living up to it, until I did some basic math. Junior was cute, sweet and said the right things. Like, “Wow, you totally look like you are 31 at the most.” Nice. We continued…
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I remember in grad school, back in 1991, when we were predicting internet penetration rates. We didn’t think the internet would catch on because, at the time, there were still a large percentage of U.S. households without telephones. Soon, analog broadcasts will be discontinued and replaced with HD… approximately one-fifth of this nation still does…
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Blow out
▶︎My hair salon left a voice mail asking if I needed a blow dry with my gray root dye job tomorrow morning. “Hi, this is Marna calling back about my appointment tomorrow. I just need a dye job without the blow job.” Laughter. “Oh wait, I do, in fact, desperately need a blow job, but…
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I love going to the doctor. Last week it was the dentist. I like the small talk he makes while he scrapes and tells me what great teeth I have. Today it was the GYN. The new patient forms are always a killer. I decided to give creative answers to see if they actually read….
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I wouldn’t consider myself a fag hag. I love and respect anyone with good fashion sense and a keen ear for music which includes ABBA and the Scissor Sisters. As you can you imagine, with my open mind and open mouth, the gays flock to me. A friend coined the term “fruit fly.” I’ll own…
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I haven’t spoken to my mother in more than three years. Yes, I’m a Hater. Women who have joined my no-mother cult have experienced similar exhilaration and relief after radio silence. However, we all have our sound bites to dodge the mainstream how’s-your-family questions. Several days ago, I connected with a match.com guy who seemed…
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I’ve been in Los Angeles four years. It’s hard to believe my stay has exceeded my time in New York. My LA Story isn’t filled without a few ironies: Tan lines: For the past two years, I’ve had a vitamin d deficiency. Body image: I’ve had fewer dates since I’ve lost 120 pounds. Last night,…