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“Change your criteria and open yourself up to something different. I would of never met my husband if I hadn’t,” said a coworker. So I did. And I went on a date with a 66 year-old man from Tinder. The conversation was great so I decided I could do this. For our second date, he…
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I don’t know what traditional child-rearing is, but I’m sure when I get together with my single-mother friends, the kid is bound to learn something. Mom and Kid arrived Friday night and requested what any land-locked resident would: sushi. We had fish alfresco where we could dine and scope out the pedestrian meat. Kid quickly…
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You may not know this, but Los Angeles has a subway. It doesn’t go anywhere, so I’ve never been on it even though the stop is three avenues over and three streets up from my house. However, when my boss invited me to a fundraiser downtown at an Irish pub, I knew I should look…
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There’s probably a 12-step program for me somewhere. It wouldn’t be sexual addiction, but maybe it’s fun addiction or baggage avoidance. Whatever it is and no matter how much I try to date men my own age, I find myself going back to younger stock. Last week, after I washed the gray right out of…
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I never believed that whole “sexual prime” business until shortly after my 30th birthday. I was horny all the time. Insanely unfair hormone levels. It hasn’t stopped. I went out with two friends Saturday night that are +/- 50. There’s no end in sight. I’ve learned the older you get, the more you really don’t…
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I’ve never been one of those need-a-man girls. I barely dated in high school and college because I had so many other interests besides stupid assholes. When I announced I was engaged at the age of 26, my friends were in awe. The person least likely to… was. It was no shock to most when…
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Ever notice how geezers will wax nostalgic about some car they used to have decades before? Last night, as my life flashed before me, I fondly thought of my Jetta and nearly shed a tear. That five-speed was spunky and the turning radius could have been envied by the NYPD. What I loved most about…
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I think Freud, Jung, Dr. Phil, Dr. Spock, and Judge Judy would all agree we learn through example. I’m starting to feel like I could probably never parent except remotely while wearing an orange jumpsuit making a call from the yard. My “example” was a walnut-stained, one-inch piece of plywood with a leather hang cord….
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I’m number one. I don’t usually consider Spring my season. I’m more of a fourth quarter girl; however, the tides are changing. Two very unusual things happened to me recently. I got a full-time, permanent job and a boyfriend within the same 30 days. Nearly all my jobs have been fourth quarter hires where I’m…
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… vas Indeferens I’m neutral about the whole idea of spawning. I hate the fact my married-with friends live vicariously through me and start their sentences with, “I love my kids but…” I’ve seen friends and family age exponentially after creation of their nuclear family. I really like sex and love beer and those are…
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In LA, there’s a category of women I call “the meal hunters.” They date to eat. While a girl’s gotta eat, I’d rather stay home with unshaved legs and pop open a can of tunafish. I date to meet. Last night I had a first date with a man who suggested we go to dinner….
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When real guy started behaving like typical guy, I knew it was time to evaluate what I wanted against what we could accomplish together. When he said, “I’m not really a relationship guy,” I knew it was time to utter my favorite four-lettered word. NEXT. I didn’t realize it was Valentine’s Day until one of…
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Growing up, I had this thing about being different… to the point where my parents said, “why can’t you be like everyone else?” This continues in my adult life. The New York Times analyzed recent census data and discovered more American women are living without a husband than with one. That’s right. As my sweet…
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I’ve had two serious relationships since I’ve lived in Los Angeles. My west coast operational definition of serious is a) they know my last name; b) they know where I live; and c) they say they are emotionally evolved enough to want a relationship. In both cases, the liaisons dissolved on or before the 60-day…
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As enticing as the DMV offer was, I knew I couldn’t renew my driver’s license by mail. My picture was a cross between a Nick Nolte mug shot and a Cyndi Lauper album cover. When I moved to California, I wasn’t aware they put weight on your driver’s license, so I didn’t lie. It was…
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My holiday postcard minimum print run is 500. My card list is 200. Each year I try to find ways to distribute the excess. I’ll hand them out in the office, to the guards, to the postman, and to waiters with the tip. This year I got a little creative with the extras. I decided…
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I have a new hobby and it’s one I thought I’d never take up – at least in Los Angeles. It’s part Heathers and part Mean Girls and it gives me great satisfaction. My new pastime is rejecting men. Well, wait. I’ve been rejecting men for years in this town, but now I have a…
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I hadn’t had a date since August and chose to focus on work and health. Those were more productive diversions. I never expected to meet a man the old-fashioned way – in a bar. A married, former co-worker suggested I go with him to a bar in Montrose that was frequented by NASA/JPL employees. The…
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It’s that time of year when the tops come up on the prickmobiles and single men in Los Angeles realize they don’t want to be alone for the holidays. I call it boomerang season. Michael, the 48 year-old margarita puker, contacted me to see if I’d be interested in a second date nearly eight months…
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I laid out my clothes the night before: black v-neck sweater, pedal pushers, and black jeweled mules with kitten heels. I was ready to see Dr. T. My morning-of ritual consisted of shaving my legs, scrunching my hair so the curls fell across my eyes at just the right angle, and layering the perfume. When…
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In California, if you asked any former New Yorker what they miss about the city, the response is pretty consistent: food, fall, and friends. I returned recently with a certain fear factor: do I miss it so much I’ll want to move back and give up my 72 degrees and sunny homogenous SoCal life? In…
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In the age of broadcasting conglomerates, it’s hard to define community standards. I recently discovered that George Carlin’s seven dirty words should be expanded to include “God.” Panic! at the Disco has a line in one of their songs that says, “Haven’t you learned to close the goddamn door?” It’s a harmless sentence that is…
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Kippurrific
▶︎I got onto the highway late today, around oh-fuck-o’clock. I knew I was doomed to spend close to two hours in evening rush hour, but I didn’t. I sailed down the 10 doing close to 80 wondering if I missed an earthquake. Where were my rush hour peeps? It dawned on me when I passed…
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I have a vacation ritual where I pack my almost-expired condoms with hopes they are deployed. My trip to Hawaii was extra special because I was going with my 71 year-old namesake. The Marna(s) were on a mission to meet the perfect Uncle/Nephew combo. We had seven condoms for the week. I wasn’t sure if…
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I remember walking home with smoke and ash following me. I remember looking back every few paces to try to understand. I remember communicating by IM because phone service was spotty. I remember sitting in my Park Slope, Brooklyn backyard drunk, staring at the ash. I remember the grounding silence and smiling at the fighter…
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I had one of those oh-no-you-didn’t experiences today in the bank. I was waiting in line when I realized a classic song from my youth was on the sound system. Why would this be disturbing? The ‘80s have been “in” for several years now. Well, it was The Clash. It would have been funny, in…
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I didn’t think it was possible to top my weirdest date ever (see 3/2/04 blog), but this is Los Angeles where dreams are created and crushed daily. Huff was four days into his 40th year when I met him for happy hour. He was east coast bred and came out here several years ago to…
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-free dom
▶︎I’m riding the trend wave again. And I’m not talking about a passing fancy like bungie jumping, myspace networking, or miniskirts with leggings. I’ve become one of them, without the Birkenstocks or patchouli oil. I’ve been a vegetarian for 100 days. And for shits and giggles, I decided to give up wheat, refined sugar (all…
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The X-Games
▶︎I’ve applied the three-strike-you-are-out rule to my dating. It really comes in handy. Annoying but overlooked first date habits can be re-evaluated prior to firing the potential boyfriend. That way, I am not in month three of the season realizing I recruited the wrong player. Spicoli admitted on our first date that he was unemployed….
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I’ve always felt there’s a profession more deviant and despicable than used car salesman or insurance underwriter. That would be the “human resource” career track. Throughout my 20+ year career, they have been referred to as inhumane and no-resource. This week I received a call from a lovely human resource woman. She was screening me…
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Should I remember my first kiss? I don’t. I do remember my first traumatic kiss. I forgot all about it until last night when it was surpassed by my new worst kiss ever. In high school, I went on a double date with a girlfriend. She was off somewhere making out with her guy and…
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My medical crush is over. Hot Dr. T stood me up for some supposed “emergency” in the ER. I went to the trouble of shaving my legs, pushing up the boobs and applying mascara only to get his substitute for my appointment/date. The eastern European accented, crooked-tooth intern didn’t provide me much comfort in Dr….
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And the radio is in the hands of such a lot of fools Tryin’ to anaesthetise the way that you feel
▶︎I have a five-minute commute to work. It keeps me sane. But it also gives me the opportunity to enjoy driving in LA traffic after 5 p.m. if I want to go across town to visit friends or go to my westside writing group. I exercise my right to honk, check out drivers, and listen…
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Your momma
▶︎It happened again and I was as disturbed as I was the first time. My hair was big and wild. I had cat sunglasses on, a black tank top, crops, and 3.5” espadrille wedges. I was semi-stylish and cute. When I finished my transaction, the postal worker looked up and said, “Have a nice mother’s…
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I looked forward to meeting my surgeon. This was going to be my first hospital visit and I really didn’t know what to expect. ER stitches when I was nine was the closest I’ve been to admitted. I knew as soon as I walked into my surgeon’s office I was screwed, and wanted to be….
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I have short-term memory dreams now. Nothing vivid or grandeous and the plot is usually whatever happened within the last 72-hour period. So, I may be doing a Norma Rae at the office, or dreaming I met a nice, single emotionally adjusted guy at happy hour. Now my dreams are going in scary, different directions….
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To reaffirm that I am, indeed, 40 years old, my doctor wrote a referral for a mammogram. I’m probably one of the few people that enjoys them because I look forward to the conversations the technicians generate to try to distract you from the boob squishings. My first mammo was in 1994. I was young…
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Every girl remembers her first bra. I wasn’t interested in getting one. Now, 31 years later, I still wish I didn’t have to wear one, but I’m thankful for the interesting bra shopping experiences that make the hassle worth it. In 1975, I was an early bloomer in the fifth grade. I didn’t want to…
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I’ve been mentoring a 17 year-old girl for the past couple of months. We meet weekly at a coffee shop near her high school and work on our writing. During the first 15 minutes, we gossip. Our recent common denominator is boys. She has her head on straight and knows they are all idiots. She…
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Do you know the expression, “You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family?” I love my friends. They’ve been there for me in post-birthday recovery. The Tour du Florida humor hasn’t let up. From RV sales videos to “I’m so sorry for you” shoulder squeezes, they’ve validated my feelings and helped me…
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I realize I unintentionally date on the special ed side of the dating spectrum. As one friend recently told me, “There has to be a disproportionate amount of normal guys somewhere because you’ve cornered the market on nuts.” Will it ever end? He called at 5:15 p.m. on Valentine’s Day to find out when I…
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When I heard Budweiser declared February 15th the official start to dating season, I panicked. Was I missing something I’d regret? Something better than 1/2 price chocolate? As a professional dater, I decided to evaluate my existing relationship. I pulled it into the pit, checked the gauges and determined we weren’t going to make it,…
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I was in the middle of planning my 40th birthday trip to Hawaii when my brother called and suggested an alternative destination. His annual U.S. visit coincided with my birthday week and he was going to be in Florida. Hawaii or Florida…hum. This would be my only opportunity to see my nephews and work on…
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While connecting in the Charlotte airport on my way back to LA, I heard the recorded announcement, “if you see unattended luggage or suspicious packages, please contact a law enforcement official.” When I realized where I was, I had a panic attack. The cop I turned in to NYPD IAD is supposedly a federal marshal…
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My brother and sister-in-law left the kids with a relative and the three of us went to Key West for my birthday in the 31-foot Ultra. We did what you would expect in the limited amount of time we were there. We drank and we shopped. By 10:30 p.m. I was tired and somewhat bored…
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While lying in bed with Mr. WednesdayBeforeLast, I joked that our good relationship was ruining my bitch-about-LA-dating writing career. And then he gave me some material from out of this world. “Don’t we have an anniversary coming up?” he asked. What guy do you know remembers an anniversary? They can’t even remember their own mother’s…
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Crash
▶︎Ever since 9/11, I’ve been a little noise sensitive. Hearing the clack of metal plates banging on a street, firecrackers, or any other unexpected noise sends my heart racing. I live steps away from a one-way street. Drivers often miss the light and hit cross traffic. I’m getting used to that noise. It just happened…
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Christmas is for kids. As we get older, it’s never as fun. The fun dissipates when you have to get in a car or get on a plane to go home for the holidays. I just got back from a Palm Springs holiday weekend with Mr. WednesdayBeforeLast and realized there’s no place like not being…
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Los Angeles isn’t normal. My dates are usually abnormal. So when I finally found a normal guy, it’s only natural that the date take an unusual turn. We clicked in email and on the phone, so phase three – the meeting – was booked. The chemistry was almost immediate as we sipped our green teas…
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When your kid says something hilarious and sexual, who are you going to call? Today my brother felt I was the best contact. My nephew, Dave, is days away from turning four years old. He’s a combination of a goofy frat boy and a comedian. In a sense, he’s got my genes. Tonight before bed…
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I got over that metrosexual man thing more than a decade ago when I realized my husband used more hair products than I did. It wasn’t the ‘80s, after all. So when I met a man who said he was in touch with his inner lesbian and he’d come over and fix my furnace on…
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In Los Angeles, we don’t make a move in our car without checking SigAlert. This useful website helps us plan around idiot drivers. What it doesn’t help with is the trouble we may find when we reach our destination. I agreed to drive to Long Beach for a first date tonight. Going 34 miles in…
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More than four years ago, I planned a well-deserved vacation to Mexico with two girlfriends. We had all been working hard and were ready to play hard. As part of our “fun” incentive package, I went to Target and got an economy box of condoms for us. Our goal was finish the box by the…
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I realized the other day that my “monthly” bleeding has had approximately a 360 month run. That’s a 30-year term. Will I ever hold the deed to my pussy? Will Proctor & Gamble release the consumer stronghold it has on my bleed box? I did some basic math and determined I’ve spent $2,156.50 on feminine…
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Dating is an exhausting exercise, but I support my friends as they venture out there. What is more tiring is when they have a bad experience and state, “I thought this kind of crap only happened to you, Marna.” Once again, I have to repeat IT’S BAD ALL OVER. Marci was approached online by a…
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Ana and I were in the air, on our way to a photo shoot in Denver, when I told her I wanted to conduct an experiment. “I hear when you leave LA, guys pay attention to you. Let’s see if that’s true,” I said. Little did I know I wouldn’t have the energy to get…
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My friends mean well. They look out for me. Last week was no different. Wall Street Pete called about a $5,000 opportunity. He heard K-ROCK 92.3FM was having a “tramp stamp” contest. I began listening to him years ago when he suggested I pay attention to a pre-IPO biotech stock. “You will win. You have…
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There are seven words that every writer hates hearing. “When are you going to be published?” My day job continues to get in the way of my professional development. I received an email this weekend from a friend who periodically checks in. The last time I heard from him he was laughing and threatening to…
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He’s white, 14 inches and his name is Mac. Right now, he’s giving me more pleasure than any prior pieces of hardware ever could. They say once you go Mac, you’ll never go back. I think I’ll keep him around and cancel the cat idea.
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Tie the knot
▶︎When you are in your 30’s and dating, the subject of marriage is tough to tackle in the initial courtship period. There are so many reasons why (or why not) someone has married. I generally don’t ask and assume every man I date is either divorced or about to change teams. The big reveal is…
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When it comes to direct hits, men of color have always been first responders to my looks. My almost blue-white creamy skin could guide planes in at LAX. The hair isn’t blond, which is a rarity in this town. The whole package is not what men are used to seeing, so they react. Latin men…
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Kung Fu grip
▶︎As anyone with back pain will tell you, when you find relief it is as if the clouds parted and the angels sang. You remember what it is like to move again. And live. My lower back has been tight since my episode in early July. My mobility was limited and I lived every day…
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Since airfares are what they are right now, Marci decided to go Greyhound to Pittsburgh. For $78 round trip, she couldn’t beat the price which was the equivalent of a round trip cab to deep Brooklyn. Her return trip home made taking the bus an unbelievable yet worthwhile experience. In the depot she noticed a…
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In my mailbox between the Bed, Bath & Beyond 20 percent off coupons, I sometimes get a great direct mail piece. I rarely open them up unless there’s a cleaver design I could copy for a future campaign at the office. When I received classy invitation-stock from The Neptune Society, I felt compelled to see…
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I don’t look like anybody I’VE ever met, but it seems people always know someone that looks like me. I’ve been told I look like Bette Midler, Minnie Driver as well as somebody’s cousin. Today I was hit with a new celebrity look alike when some old guy told me I looked like Janis Joplin….
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Pain for women is a relative thing. We tolerate a lot of crap. Until my recent back episode, I’d never really had pain that I couldn’t handle. Monday I found out that some unexplained occurrences in my life were actually gallstones. Yes, gallstones, they aren’t for little old ladies anymore. When I received the test…
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While UN inspectors span the globe looking for weapons of mass destruction, I believe I’ve found something more dangerous that must be contained: family. You can choose your friends and your weapons, but you can’t get around your family. In my small, extended family, I’m generally characterized as the whacky, risk-taking pioneer that marches to…
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I was jacked up on caffeine this evening and decided to try something new. I went to the gym at 9 p.m. I had a date with sweat. With my Ipod on random, I listened to my gym playlist while reading the close-captioning of “Notting Hill” on screen. Despite the multiple stimuli, I was also…
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I selfishly went to Comic-Con in San Diego this weekend in search of material. I was hoping it was going to be a room of adult male virgins and other random freaks. It turned out to be like Washington Square Park on a weekend, except with an inordinate amount of families. When did comics, animation,…
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Today is the second anniversary of my arrival to California and I’ve determined that 80 percent of my shoe collection is now open-toed.
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The reflex
▶︎I hear the new moon is falling in Cancer right now. I don’t know what that means. I do know I received a few signs lately that prompted me to call my ex-husband. Husband? Yeah, I was married for 26 months, or .3 dog years. Our divorce was official around Valentine’s day 1995. The last…
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I noticed the reduced flexibility and tightness in my lower back many months ago. While I could still flip my legs over my head and be smothered by my boobs and gut in yoga class, I decided to see a chiro to determine if an adjustment would help me be more nimble. Three weeks of…
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Since moving to Los Angeles, I’ve been waiting. Waiting for a sign I really do live here. Twenty-two months later, I finally felt my first earthquake. I was asleep when the bed moved side-to-side while the window rattled. It woke me up and I assumed it was the Mexicans renovating the apartment above me. Three…
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As a freewheeling, easy spirit, I’ll try anything once as long as it doesn’t hurt kids, animals, or involve Wolf Blitzer. Today, I received an invitation to go to ComicCon (is it a full moon?). This is a geekfest on par with a Star Trek convention, except the guys wear the pointy ears and Superman…
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I was hit last night by something in my sleep. It’s the tenth anniversary of the death of my father. Since that time, I’ve made several discoveries. Getting to know him in death has been very interesting. The man who used to make me cry when I couldn’t grasp my math homework was actually a…
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This guy, let’s call him my boyfriend, asked a very difficult question recently. “So, when are you going to write about me?” I gave my standard response, “I only write about bizarre LA dates and people that screw up. I actually like you.” I’m not sure if his ego kicked in, or if he wanted…
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For many today is a day scarier that watching a son get circumcised. More perplexing than knowing your daughter does drugs and more horrific than wondering if you should do anything for your partner for Valentine’s Day. Mother’s day incites fear in most. What do you get the woman who says she has everything? Or…
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I’m starting to become the conduit for bad date stories. I have enough of my own to go around, but it is disheartening to wonder if anyone in their 30s is successful in dating. April has been a parade of fools. My one girlfriend had to hit the eject button after her boyfriend stated he…
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My friend’s 15 year-old daughter just told me on the phone, “oh my god, my mother is insane, you have to do something.” I bit the inside of my cheek, tried to hold back the laughs until I spurt out, “Oh, honey, get used to it. You’ve got about another 40 years before relief is…
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A dear, Jewish friend from New York called to wish me a happy Easter. She jokingly asked if I was going to church on Sunday. “God, no. I just found a new yoga instructor I like and her only class in Pasadena is Sunday at 10:30 a.m.,” I replied. She began laughing hysterically. I didn’t…
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What makes dating worthwhile? The stories I suppose. But at what age do the stories become cliché and you give up dating and invest in a rocking chair and cats instead? This morning, a friend told me about her Saturday night date with a 47 year-old man. She cooked dinner and they had hot monkey…
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I’ll let you take a 70 percent pay cut, train you to kill, then let you come home to possibly be court-martialed. How’s that sound? I relocated to New York during the Silicon Alley boom to work with Ilario Pantano, a tall, good-looking NYU grad. The independent film company, Shooting Gallery, was starting up an…
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When in Rome
▶︎When you do not want to be like everyone else in eighth grade, what do you do? You take French classes. I followed through with that language in high school and college. Now I live in Los Angeles and I’ve learned an important lesson. Why didn’t I take Spanish? I need to take a conversational…
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I’m closing in on the 10th anniversary of my divorce. Don’t worry; I don’t have a “get bitter” reminder set in Outlook. I had to ask myself how long has it been because yesterday I got hit on. I didn’t realize it until about three hours later. When it did dawn on me, I understood…
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Catch-22
▶︎How a year of dating in Los Angeles made me appreciate books and batteries My 2004 resolution challenge was dating bulimia – I would date as much as possible until I got sick. I feasted on the men of Los Angeles while Kathleen, a friend in New York, did the same. Our goal was to…
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The eve of my 39th I’m a little nervous about our relations. He hasn’t gotten any more than a good night kiss. That’s all I’ve given him, Stella. I want his respect. And men don’t want anything they can get too easy. On the other hand, men lose interest quickly, especially when a girl is…
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Where there is porn, there is profit. Except in my case. Today I received my last paycheck for my bi-weekly men’s column. As a dot-com survivor, I knew it would happen. When I asked the editor/owner of the site what his revenue model was prior to signing my contract, he responded, “well, we just started…
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You know you live on the Rose Bowl parade route when….. you arrive home from work and you miss your driveway because Port-O-Johns are lined up in front of your building.
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I was 35 when I realized I should hire men to move me. I made enough money and so did my friends, so the lure of beer and pizza wasn’t enough of a motivator for them. For my four-block move in Brooklyn, I called a Man with a Van. The Russians showed up. They rule…
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The cards are pouring in. Neither Jesus nor Santa appears to be popular this holiday season. The statistics so far: Reference to Christmas: zero Reference to “Holidays”: 100% Use of holiday iconography such as snowmen or poinsettias: 22% Use of cats and dogs: 56% Use of offspring spawned from human loins: 22% Inclusion of generic…
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For someone who has always embraced technology, I’m sorely behind in one genre: video games. When I moved to L.A., I thought I’d get back into the interactive space. I quickly found out most of the agencies out here are attached to the gaming industry. “Do you have any gaming experience?” a freshly pierced 20-something…
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I have follower. Another friend has decided to cut her mother out of her life in order to preserve her sanity. “I’m on day ten. I have some guilt about it, but I haven’t felt this good in a long time,” she confessed. In order to avoid a relapse, I reminded her that bad mothers…
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After reading my blog, an editor of an online website targeting boys-to-men (the beloved 18 – 34 year old demographic) offered me a columnist job. I will be dispensing my relationship and dating stories biweekly. Little old me — shaping young minds, one penis at a time. The site has the editorial flavor of Maxim…
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While the body of the former is still getting cold, I elected to get back in the saddle again. What I got was the best damn date to-date in Los Angeles. I’ll spare you the details because when you use the words “beach” and “sushi” in the same story the “how long have you lived…
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Perhaps my moral fabric is frayed, but when did we, as a nation, make voting decisions based on morals? Now, if burning babies at the stake was a platform issue, I might be alarmed, but come on. In order to understand the motives of these Christians, most of who haven’t been to church this decade,…
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Since moving to Los Angeles, I have been waiting to feel an earthquake. Not a Northridge, but just a little shake to remind me where I live since I no longer get to experience blizzards or hurricanes. This morning when I turned my phone on, I had a voicemail from a friend who lives two…
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Day of rest
▶︎I woke up this morning after getting a full eight hours of sleep. Refreshed and whatever, I elected to go to yoga. We had a new, little instructor whose contortions could only be achieved by short, asian women. I did what I could and measured my success by the number of times I heard my…
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Only 12 more shopping days. That’s what they say. My registration card came today and I can vote early — by mail or touchscreen. I think I’ll go this weekend and check the crowd out, determine if there’s a user-friendly interface, and get my civic duty over with while the geezers are off at bingo….