Posted on
July 07, 2012 by
Marna
I had date with another 61 year-old. No, not the sexter, but a new one. It made me realize that I just can’t pull off the older-guy thing. How do the mid-life crises guys date women half their age? What do they talk about?
John was charming on the phone and eager to meet me AFTER he did my astrological chart and determined we were a good match. I will admit, older men have mastered the art of conversation. That’s their game. If you overlook the orthotic shoes, age spots, and receding gums and focus on the conversation, it’s not so bad. We met for happy hour and within one minute of meeting me, he wanted to hold my hand. After doing the six-second size-up, all my hand wanted to hold was a beer. When I did not immediately fall into his hands/arms, I was accused of being closed off.
Santa Barbara is like the Bermuda Triangle for men between the ages of 30 and 55. They just don’t exist. Or maybe they are here, but in some Area 51-type compound getting tested on so that the 60+ men can learn how to improve their game. Whatever the case, geezers I quit you.
Put that in my chart.
Tags: Datinggeezers
Category
Dating
Posted on
June 26, 2012 by
Marna
Nothing makes me happier than nachos and beer except being in a large city in a different country and STILL being thankful I’m not having sex.
On the way back from a bookstore (because that’s where single, middle-aged ladies go after work on business trips), I stopped by a brew pub to abuse my per diem. I ordered an IPA, because I like to support local beer, as well as nachos because they are my favorite food group with beer.
I had the good fortune to sit beside a four-top of 20-something know-it-alls. I realized rather than sit at the table and start my book, I needed to pull out my moleskin and take notes. Judging by the almost-finished pitcher of beer on their table, their shit was going to be good.
The cast of characters included a self-proclaimed promiscuous, white, long-haired brunette sitting beside a bed head, celery stalk body and white golf-shirt wearing hipster. On the other side, we had a lightly bearded Indian guy with long bangs sitting beside the table kingpin. This guy was a true piece of work. He had sunglasses on his head and wore a chartreuse button-down, white tie, khaki knee-length shorts, and white loafers.
I could have assumed he was a tool when his tie matched his loafers; however, when he talked loud enough to be heard by everyone and mentioned in every other sentence that he was Italian, I almost felt sorry for him. I mean, no woman really cares about your ethnicity unless you say your daddy was black, then we may pay attention.
I knew we were at a DickCon1 level when he said, “I know if I pretend to care, she’ll think I’m sensitive and will fuck me.” Yeah, that rule has been revealed in Details, Esquire, and on blogs for more than a decade. Google that shit. Or, better, put your fucking phone down, stop texting, and read a book.
There is a new super strain of gonorrhea out there and yet I fear cockroaches like this, at any age, more.
Tags: beerbig dicks with little cocksnachos
Category
Dating, Life, Work
Posted on
June 11, 2012 by
Marna
Good Morning Wood
If a penis grows in the bed and no one is around to see it, is it really hard? Thanks to sexting, I know the answer to that question.
Bones is a 61 year-old Santa Barbara man who found me online. We spoke on the phone and he was able to dialogue quite nicely, so we moved on to planning a dinner date. That went well – three hours of good conversation ending in 10 minutes of serious kissing. Despite the 15-year age difference, we seemed to have a lot in common.
Four days later I heard from him by text message and later that night by instant message. On day five, he presented the gift of morning wood via a text message with attachment. While I’d like to take credit for his sweet dreams, I’m also realistic. I’m sure he had a piss hard-on from diuretics.
I feel that Swingers needs to be updated for the digital age. No sexting until the recipient has seen the actual, physical hard ware and certainly, not before day six.
Tags: morning woodsextingSwingers
Category
Dating