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Misery loves
▶︎I know I’ve spent the past six years bemoaning the labor of dating in Los Angeles. I’ve felt like I’ve been one part relationship anthropologist, one part therapist, and an off-and-on investigative journalist. But I know my observations and experiences aren’t far-fetched because I run into men and women everywhere that have similar stories. I…
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I’ve revised the Kubler-Ross grief cycle to consider the emotional states of dating in Los Angeles. Shock stage – initial paralysis after a few bad first dates and remembering someone telling you you’d have to “import” your men if you lived in Los Angeles. Denial stage – continuing to date because you can’t believe it…
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At my age, not a lot of new stuff happens to me. Admittedly, a lot of bizarre things occur when I go on dates in LA, but that falls into the bad date bucket. This weekend I had two unusual events happen to me. The last time I wore a bikini, my age was a…
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Tex and I were strolling back from our walk to the coffee shop on Melrose. We were in the home stretch, the last block, where Tex always lags behind. He’s not slow because he’s sniffing everything. He’s just old and tired. His hips try to keep up with his mind, but often fail him. Half-way…
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Los Angeles is full of creative people, so it was only a matter of time before I’d have a date with a musician. Who knew it would be a doubleheader. I’ve dated musicians before, but they’ve had day jobs which puts them in the frustrated artist category. These guys were “real” musicians. Friday night was…
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A close girlfriend got out of a 2.5 year fakelationship and nearly immediately got back to the online dating business with some mildly successful results. I found her get-back-on-the-horse determination inspiring enough to return to the game also. My out-of-the-gate experience left a friend in New York saying, “can you move to San Francisco? Even…
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O Henry
▶︎Before the internet and widespread MTV adoption, college radio was what we relied on to hear new and different music. It is what prompted me to DJ at my college and at the all-boys school seven miles down the road. It’s also when I started my 25 year long-distance relationship/obsession with Henry Rollins. My shows…
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I think everyone has a love/hate relationship with New York. I have had three visits since leaving because I miss it so much, but need to stay away long enough to remember why I left six years ago. It’s getting harder to remember why. Within 30 minutes of getting out of JFK, my incense-burning cab…
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As the grumpy old lady of the internet, I have said I don’t have time for anything unless it is going to get me a job or get me laid. While Facebook has not yielded those results for me yet, it has lived up to the “social” part of marketing. When I posted my status…
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I know this isn’t an LA-specific phenomenon, so I can’t blame it on California, but why do old, retired people insist on doing their errands on my time? I realize they are the greatest generation, but what the fuck. Do they really need to be in the post office line at 8 a.m. with me…
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Since I’ve been dating GC for a while, I haven’t been able to say my favorite four-lettered word, N-E-X-T. However, that hasn’t stopped my girlfriends from calling to seek advice or validation from me. Linda called me yesterday laughing about Fire Marshall Bill troubles. It seems he has been playing the field and one of…
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I won $100 for one quarter in the office Super Bowl pool. I realize this is random and requires no knowledge of football, but it’s exciting to me all the same. The last time I won something was at the state fair. The guy guessed my weight wrong and I got a stuffed animal. I…
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Yesterday was my birthday. No big deal and usually a nonevent for me, but when other people need an excuse to celebrate, I’m game. I mean, if there’s chocolate or beer involved, how horrible could it be. GC took me to dinner at a swank place last night. As he held my hand and looked…
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Most people’s soundtrack for sex is that porny bern-chica-bern-bern. Not me. When I think of sex, I hear the theme of The Rockford Files. Television was a big deal for kids growing up in the ‘70s. One of the biggest days in our household was the arrival of a second black and white TV for…
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My brother and I had bad allergies as kids. As a result, we easily took naps. No complaints. In my adult life, I’ve continued my love of sleep, but now it borders on “you know you are getting old when….” When GC asked me if I had plans for New Years, I laughed. I mean,…
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Toys ‘r me
▶︎The last time I was in Toys ‘R Us may have been a decade or two or three ago. I just remember wanting to carve my ovaries out with a dull spoon. What got me in this time? Well, coffee and the prospect of sex, of course. Armed with a pumpkin latte, I went with…
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I used to look forward to Sunday nights to have an ocular orgy with David Duchovny in the X-Files. As I got older, Sunday nights became reserved for Tony Soprano and Carrie Bradshaw. Now I get to look forward to the kid drop off followed by divorced daddy sex with GC. Last night’s pillow talk…
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WWMD
▶︎They say with age comes experience. In Los Angeles, with dating comes experiences. A girlfriend recently had a male-variety dilemma. She actually stopped and asked herself, “What Would Marna Do?” I’m flattered that anyone would listen to my advice given my favorite four-lettered word is N-E-X-T and none of my dating experiences have lasted more…
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I’m not that inhibited when it comes to my body. Well, I’m not porn-star confident, so you won’t see me flashing my tits in a girls-gone-wild way. My college days are over. But when I’m scheduled for a deep tissue massage, and given a choice, I select a male because, you know, they are usually…
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My affinity for younger men began long before I fell into the “cougar” demographic. I was 30, newly divorced, and in that cruel “sexual prime.” I would try anything (one) once. In my Lewis & Clark-esque discoveries, I found disgruntled married-man sex was the best sex out there. Now, I’d like to revise that finding.…
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I heard Oprah once said that if you want a man in your life, you have to imagine him and create him in some sort of collage and then he will manifest. I got as far as buying magnum condoms. And you know me and condoms, I buy them and they often expire. In fact,…
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I spent the first four years in Los Angeles dating voraciously, trying to make up for my career-first East coast days. I’m now a dog owner, which has kind of changed my outlook on dating. You are going to have to be better than my dog and my vibrator to get me out of the…
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There are times I miss Brooklyn. Good bagels. Real pizza. Funny Jews. It was very apparent last week I wasn’t anywhere near Brooklyn when I went to my corner market. I’ve been a shut-in since my foot surgery, but felt strong enough to venture out, primarily for fruit and human interaction. I put my backpack…
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When you haven’t had good sex in a very long time, you hit that point where you become OK without it. You get used to it. Or you get a dog to keep your mind off it. But there is that fear, like a diabetic having a small slice of cake, that when you do…
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There are certain addictions we find ways to overcome. Diabetics avoid bakeries. Alcoholics bypass liquor stores. I have avoided eBay for the longest time mainly because I don’t want to be a junk shopoholic. I’ve admired the company for years for giving common consumers the confidence they needed to make purchases on the Internet. But…
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In order to cope at work, a friend has decided to channel her strong inner black woman. I now jokingly call her “Nay Nay” which is short for Shanaynay, a character created by Martin Lawrence. Today, after receiving two loser reconnects in one day, I decided I needed to go black too. Joker #1 called…
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I left my canine boyfriend, Tex, tonight and ventured out into the nightlife of Los Angeles. My girlfriend taunted me with LA Filmfest free drinks. I found her at the bar amongst a gaggle of young filmmakers and other desperate creatives looking for film funding or peer validation. When I walked up, she was talking…
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Is it a coincidence that the day I cancel my MySpace membership and open a Facebook account, we have a 5.4 earthquake? Thanks Rupert, it was a fun ride.
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When times are tough, you begin to evaluate all your expenses. When you aren’t getting laid, you review the cost of pedicures, waxing, razors, and other associated items. I decided to go off birth control since there wasn’t anything to control. Instead, I restarted my NetFlix membership. It seemed like a better use of $20.
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When you have a good dog, and a good vibrator, is there any need to date in LA? Today I came to my senses and decided, ah, no thank you. On Thursday night I was coaxed out of my canine enclave to see a 70’s-style punk band. When they opened with “I’m not your stepping…
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I continually run into my hot, straight neighbor on my dog walks. You know, the one that thinks I’m wholesome. We briefly chat about nothing, hug out, and I’m on my way. Our fakelationship has graduated. He rang the doorbell. “Hi, are you doing anything. I’m lonely and want company,” he said when I opened…
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Today I salute you. Mr. Keep Calling Back. (Mr. Keep Calling Back) Armed with a cell phone, Marna’s number saved, you keep dialing. (She’s not calling back) Two months later, you are sure she’s still busy. (Maybe she has a new job) The first date was great. (But she didn’t have a second beer) The…
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I received a reminder that ex’s are ex’s for a reason. Circus boy called. He’s a guy I dated in New York before I moved to California. His most notable relationship error was leaving me at his family event to go help an ex-girlfriend who was “stranded” on the side of the road. We broke…
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I just had an ex- call me and tell me he loved me and he wanted to “correct this shit.” Stay tuned. He’s 3,000 miles away and we broke up 12 years ago. . . .I can’t make this stuff up.
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My tax credit posted today. What a fucking crock of shit. It won’t even buy me two tanks of gas. I would of done better if I had “qualifying children” but apparently my $10 bag/week of Hill’s Science Diet dog food isn’t stimulating or qualifying enough. If only I had the time to purchase a…
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Since I have a dog to walk, I’m outside a lot and have met many of my neighbors as a result. I’m in West Hollywood, so I can safely assume all my neighbors are gay. While it’s not a target-rich environment, I’m still my smiling, giggly self – a female minority in a sea of…
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It’s a boy
▶︎For all you breeders who have received gifts from me during the past 20 odd years, I’ve got one thing to say. Ante up bitches, I’m a mother. Tex, my farting geezer foster American bulldog, has adopted me. Our six-week courtship was a blast and the experience made me realize I could handle going to…
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I try to participate in the public transportation experience in LA as often as I can; however, in nearly five years, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve had the thrill of a bus or subway ride. It’s usually because my car is in the shop or I have jury duty.…
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I’ve ramped up my Internet dating again. After last week’s happy hour fiasco, I’ve gone back to the horrid 20-minute coffee date. Tonight I added a twist. I brought a dog, or as I will now call him, my “get out of jail free card.” Tex is an 80-pound American Bulldog I’m fostering and he…
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Tonight I realized there’s a magical male age when they can play Jedi mind tricks with their dick and hold a conversation during a date without the fear that blood will be drawn from their brain. The 31 year-old I was with was obviously the team captain of the cock Special Olympics. He was obsessed…
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I was in the office checking my email early this morning when the guy I report to walked by then backed up and did a double-take. “What did you do to your hair?” he asked. “I washed and straightened it last night. Washing my hair seems to be a Valentine’s Day tradition.” I replied. His…
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Love stinks
▶︎I’m not a fan of this holiday, but if you are going to recognize it, do it balls-out-swinging, otherwise, mutually agree it’s a stupid holiday, let it pass in silence, and find a different way to profess your love. Beans, who still lives eight blocks from me, sent an e-card. Seriously, an e-card, but it…
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Hot doctor is trying get rid of me. After nearly two months of twice weekly dates, he’s got me on a bi-weekly schedule now. While he tells me I’m still his favorite redhead, I can tell he’s just not that into me. He’s fixed me and he’s got more needy patients now. I figured this…
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Playlists
▶︎Beans was over the other night and made the observation that my iPod doesn’t have a “makeout” playlist. I agreed that was odd since I’ve loved music forever, was a college DJ, and still kept up with what’s good and current. Oh, and I do love sex. It was necessary I build my K-tel equivalent…
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I may be the only woman in America that doesn’t like clothes shopping for myself. Get me in Home Depot, Williams-Sonoma, Amoeba Music, or Target and I’m a maniac. My aversion to shopping probably began when I was young. I was a fast grower. I mean fast. I was so huge when I was four,…
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Today’s doctor appointment revealed that I could/may be cleared for sex and yoga in nine days. I have no good reason for why I am recovering so quickly except attitude, diet, and sex on deck. While Beans pre-alibied a December absence, he reappeared when I was in recovery. He’s been quite present ever since, helping…
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My little game of Cat and Doctor continued today as I returned to my plastic surgeon’s office with a Christmas card (“thanks for the great ass”) and my German apple bread (“because only a girl with good farm stock hips could bake like this”). He came around the corner from another room and announced my…
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I was alone, naked in a room with a hot doctor. There was only one thing I could do and that was flirt. My plastic surgeon was marking me up with a Sharpie. Cut lines and what not. This takes nearly a hour to do for a body lift. My idle conversation began with, “So…
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Can you get out of future bad behavior by paying forward with an apology? Yes you can. It’s called a pre-alibi. Beans called and recited a laundry list of business trips and other obligations he had during the month of December. He made it sound like he was being deployed and didn’t know when he’d…
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I’m sure many have speculated how long I would last without a TV. I’m a communications person with roots in public affairs. Wouldn’t I miss spin? Netflix? Or at the very least, Sponge Bob reruns? Yes, yes, and yes. My fall off the wagon began with my stereo receiver. It had served me well, but…
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When you hit a certain age, you realize there’s no great place to live. You are either in the ‘burbs with the marrieds, or in the cheap area surrounded by young ones and Bud. What’s that leave me? West Hollywood. I live in the least target-rich environment on earth. But the view is great. At…
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When you are in New York, you go to the Empire State Building. When you are in San Francisco, you go to the wharf. In DC, you at least drive by the White House. No stay in Los Angeles is complete without a visit to a plastic surgeon. I can now check that off my…
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Today I had two what-the-fuck moments within a two-hour period. Of course, ex’s were involved. I woke up to an email announcing that one of them was going to be in LA in November and he’d like to extend his visit to see me. While 9/11 sped up our inevitable breakup, what is more interesting…
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I met a 27 year-old boy last night for a date. They call me cougarlicious in the office and I was living up to it, until I did some basic math. Junior was cute, sweet and said the right things. Like, “Wow, you totally look like you are 31 at the most.” Nice. We continued…
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I remember in grad school, back in 1991, when we were predicting internet penetration rates. We didn’t think the internet would catch on because, at the time, there were still a large percentage of U.S. households without telephones. Soon, analog broadcasts will be discontinued and replaced with HD… approximately one-fifth of this nation still does…
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Blow out
▶︎My hair salon left a voice mail asking if I needed a blow dry with my gray root dye job tomorrow morning. “Hi, this is Marna calling back about my appointment tomorrow. I just need a dye job without the blow job.” Laughter. “Oh wait, I do, in fact, desperately need a blow job, but…
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I love going to the doctor. Last week it was the dentist. I like the small talk he makes while he scrapes and tells me what great teeth I have. Today it was the GYN. The new patient forms are always a killer. I decided to give creative answers to see if they actually read.…
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I wouldn’t consider myself a fag hag. I love and respect anyone with good fashion sense and a keen ear for music which includes ABBA and the Scissor Sisters. As you can you imagine, with my open mind and open mouth, the gays flock to me. A friend coined the term “fruit fly.” I’ll own…
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I haven’t spoken to my mother in more than three years. Yes, I’m a Hater. Women who have joined my no-mother cult have experienced similar exhilaration and relief after radio silence. However, we all have our sound bites to dodge the mainstream how’s-your-family questions. Several days ago, I connected with a match.com guy who seemed…
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I’ve been in Los Angeles four years. It’s hard to believe my stay has exceeded my time in New York. My LA Story isn’t filled without a few ironies: Tan lines: For the past two years, I’ve had a vitamin d deficiency. Body image: I’ve had fewer dates since I’ve lost 120 pounds. Last night,…
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I don’t know what traditional child-rearing is, but I’m sure when I get together with my single-mother friends, the kid is bound to learn something. Mom and Kid arrived Friday night and requested what any land-locked resident would: sushi. We had fish alfresco where we could dine and scope out the pedestrian meat. Kid quickly…
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You may not know this, but Los Angeles has a subway. It doesn’t go anywhere, so I’ve never been on it even though the stop is three avenues over and three streets up from my house. However, when my boss invited me to a fundraiser downtown at an Irish pub, I knew I should look…
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There’s probably a 12-step program for me somewhere. It wouldn’t be sexual addiction, but maybe it’s fun addiction or baggage avoidance. Whatever it is and no matter how much I try to date men my own age, I find myself going back to younger stock. Last week, after I washed the gray right out of…
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I never believed that whole “sexual prime” business until shortly after my 30th birthday. I was horny all the time. Insanely unfair hormone levels. It hasn’t stopped. I went out with two friends Saturday night that are +/- 50. There’s no end in sight. I’ve learned the older you get, the more you really don’t…
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I’ve never been one of those need-a-man girls. I barely dated in high school and college because I had so many other interests besides stupid assholes. When I announced I was engaged at the age of 26, my friends were in awe. The person least likely to… was. It was no shock to most when…
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Ever notice how geezers will wax nostalgic about some car they used to have decades before? Last night, as my life flashed before me, I fondly thought of my Jetta and nearly shed a tear. That five-speed was spunky and the turning radius could have been envied by the NYPD. What I loved most about…
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I think Freud, Jung, Dr. Phil, Dr. Spock, and Judge Judy would all agree we learn through example. I’m starting to feel like I could probably never parent except remotely while wearing an orange jumpsuit making a call from the yard. My “example” was a walnut-stained, one-inch piece of plywood with a leather hang cord.…
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I’m number one. I don’t usually consider Spring my season. I’m more of a fourth quarter girl; however, the tides are changing. Two very unusual things happened to me recently. I got a full-time, permanent job and a boyfriend within the same 30 days. Nearly all my jobs have been fourth quarter hires where I’m…
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… vas Indeferens I’m neutral about the whole idea of spawning. I hate the fact my married-with friends live vicariously through me and start their sentences with, “I love my kids but…” I’ve seen friends and family age exponentially after creation of their nuclear family. I really like sex and love beer and those are…
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In LA, there’s a category of women I call “the meal hunters.” They date to eat. While a girl’s gotta eat, I’d rather stay home with unshaved legs and pop open a can of tunafish. I date to meet. Last night I had a first date with a man who suggested we go to dinner.…
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When real guy started behaving like typical guy, I knew it was time to evaluate what I wanted against what we could accomplish together. When he said, “I’m not really a relationship guy,” I knew it was time to utter my favorite four-lettered word. NEXT. I didn’t realize it was Valentine’s Day until one of…
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Growing up, I had this thing about being different… to the point where my parents said, “why can’t you be like everyone else?” This continues in my adult life. The New York Times analyzed recent census data and discovered more American women are living without a husband than with one. That’s right. As my sweet…
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I’ve had two serious relationships since I’ve lived in Los Angeles. My west coast operational definition of serious is a) they know my last name; b) they know where I live; and c) they say they are emotionally evolved enough to want a relationship. In both cases, the liaisons dissolved on or before the 60-day…
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As enticing as the DMV offer was, I knew I couldn’t renew my driver’s license by mail. My picture was a cross between a Nick Nolte mug shot and a Cyndi Lauper album cover. When I moved to California, I wasn’t aware they put weight on your driver’s license, so I didn’t lie. It was…
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My holiday postcard minimum print run is 500. My card list is 200. Each year I try to find ways to distribute the excess. I’ll hand them out in the office, to the guards, to the postman, and to waiters with the tip. This year I got a little creative with the extras. I decided…
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I have a new hobby and it’s one I thought I’d never take up – at least in Los Angeles. It’s part Heathers and part Mean Girls and it gives me great satisfaction. My new pastime is rejecting men. Well, wait. I’ve been rejecting men for years in this town, but now I have a…
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I hadn’t had a date since August and chose to focus on work and health. Those were more productive diversions. I never expected to meet a man the old-fashioned way – in a bar. A married, former co-worker suggested I go with him to a bar in Montrose that was frequented by NASA/JPL employees. The…
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It’s that time of year when the tops come up on the prickmobiles and single men in Los Angeles realize they don’t want to be alone for the holidays. I call it boomerang season. Michael, the 48 year-old margarita puker, contacted me to see if I’d be interested in a second date nearly eight months…
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I laid out my clothes the night before: black v-neck sweater, pedal pushers, and black jeweled mules with kitten heels. I was ready to see Dr. T. My morning-of ritual consisted of shaving my legs, scrunching my hair so the curls fell across my eyes at just the right angle, and layering the perfume. When…
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In California, if you asked any former New Yorker what they miss about the city, the response is pretty consistent: food, fall, and friends. I returned recently with a certain fear factor: do I miss it so much I’ll want to move back and give up my 72 degrees and sunny homogenous SoCal life? In…
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In the age of broadcasting conglomerates, it’s hard to define community standards. I recently discovered that George Carlin’s seven dirty words should be expanded to include “God.” Panic! at the Disco has a line in one of their songs that says, “Haven’t you learned to close the goddamn door?” It’s a harmless sentence that is…
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Kippurrific
▶︎I got onto the highway late today, around oh-fuck-o’clock. I knew I was doomed to spend close to two hours in evening rush hour, but I didn’t. I sailed down the 10 doing close to 80 wondering if I missed an earthquake. Where were my rush hour peeps? It dawned on me when I passed…
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I have a vacation ritual where I pack my almost-expired condoms with hopes they are deployed. My trip to Hawaii was extra special because I was going with my 71 year-old namesake. The Marna(s) were on a mission to meet the perfect Uncle/Nephew combo. We had seven condoms for the week. I wasn’t sure if…
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I remember walking home with smoke and ash following me. I remember looking back every few paces to try to understand. I remember communicating by IM because phone service was spotty. I remember sitting in my Park Slope, Brooklyn backyard drunk, staring at the ash. I remember the grounding silence and smiling at the fighter…
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I had one of those oh-no-you-didn’t experiences today in the bank. I was waiting in line when I realized a classic song from my youth was on the sound system. Why would this be disturbing? The ‘80s have been “in” for several years now. Well, it was The Clash. It would have been funny, in…
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I didn’t think it was possible to top my weirdest date ever (see 3/2/04 blog), but this is Los Angeles where dreams are created and crushed daily. Huff was four days into his 40th year when I met him for happy hour. He was east coast bred and came out here several years ago to…
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-free dom
▶︎I’m riding the trend wave again. And I’m not talking about a passing fancy like bungie jumping, myspace networking, or miniskirts with leggings. I’ve become one of them, without the Birkenstocks or patchouli oil. I’ve been a vegetarian for 100 days. And for shits and giggles, I decided to give up wheat, refined sugar (all…
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The X-Games
▶︎I’ve applied the three-strike-you-are-out rule to my dating. It really comes in handy. Annoying but overlooked first date habits can be re-evaluated prior to firing the potential boyfriend. That way, I am not in month three of the season realizing I recruited the wrong player. Spicoli admitted on our first date that he was unemployed.…
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I’ve always felt there’s a profession more deviant and despicable than used car salesman or insurance underwriter. That would be the “human resource” career track. Throughout my 20+ year career, they have been referred to as inhumane and no-resource. This week I received a call from a lovely human resource woman. She was screening me…
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Should I remember my first kiss? I don’t. I do remember my first traumatic kiss. I forgot all about it until last night when it was surpassed by my new worst kiss ever. In high school, I went on a double date with a girlfriend. She was off somewhere making out with her guy and…
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My medical crush is over. Hot Dr. T stood me up for some supposed “emergency” in the ER. I went to the trouble of shaving my legs, pushing up the boobs and applying mascara only to get his substitute for my appointment/date. The eastern European accented, crooked-tooth intern didn’t provide me much comfort in Dr.…
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And the radio is in the hands of such a lot of fools Tryin’ to anaesthetise the way that you feel
▶︎I have a five-minute commute to work. It keeps me sane. But it also gives me the opportunity to enjoy driving in LA traffic after 5 p.m. if I want to go across town to visit friends or go to my westside writing group. I exercise my right to honk, check out drivers, and listen…
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Your momma
▶︎It happened again and I was as disturbed as I was the first time. My hair was big and wild. I had cat sunglasses on, a black tank top, crops, and 3.5” espadrille wedges. I was semi-stylish and cute. When I finished my transaction, the postal worker looked up and said, “Have a nice mother’s…