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I looked forward to meeting my surgeon. This was going to be my first hospital visit and I really didn’t know what to expect. ER stitches when I was nine was the closest I’ve been to admitted. I knew as soon as I walked into my surgeon’s office I was screwed, and wanted to be.…
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I have short-term memory dreams now. Nothing vivid or grandeous and the plot is usually whatever happened within the last 72-hour period. So, I may be doing a Norma Rae at the office, or dreaming I met a nice, single emotionally adjusted guy at happy hour. Now my dreams are going in scary, different directions.…
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To reaffirm that I am, indeed, 40 years old, my doctor wrote a referral for a mammogram. I’m probably one of the few people that enjoys them because I look forward to the conversations the technicians generate to try to distract you from the boob squishings. My first mammo was in 1994. I was young…
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Every girl remembers her first bra. I wasn’t interested in getting one. Now, 31 years later, I still wish I didn’t have to wear one, but I’m thankful for the interesting bra shopping experiences that make the hassle worth it. In 1975, I was an early bloomer in the fifth grade. I didn’t want to…
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I’ve been mentoring a 17 year-old girl for the past couple of months. We meet weekly at a coffee shop near her high school and work on our writing. During the first 15 minutes, we gossip. Our recent common denominator is boys. She has her head on straight and knows they are all idiots. She…
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Do you know the expression, “You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family?” I love my friends. They’ve been there for me in post-birthday recovery. The Tour du Florida humor hasn’t let up. From RV sales videos to “I’m so sorry for you” shoulder squeezes, they’ve validated my feelings and helped me…
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I realize I unintentionally date on the special ed side of the dating spectrum. As one friend recently told me, “There has to be a disproportionate amount of normal guys somewhere because you’ve cornered the market on nuts.” Will it ever end? He called at 5:15 p.m. on Valentine’s Day to find out when I…
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When I heard Budweiser declared February 15th the official start to dating season, I panicked. Was I missing something I’d regret? Something better than 1/2 price chocolate? As a professional dater, I decided to evaluate my existing relationship. I pulled it into the pit, checked the gauges and determined we weren’t going to make it,…
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I was in the middle of planning my 40th birthday trip to Hawaii when my brother called and suggested an alternative destination. His annual U.S. visit coincided with my birthday week and he was going to be in Florida. Hawaii or Florida…hum. This would be my only opportunity to see my nephews and work on…
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While connecting in the Charlotte airport on my way back to LA, I heard the recorded announcement, “if you see unattended luggage or suspicious packages, please contact a law enforcement official.” When I realized where I was, I had a panic attack. The cop I turned in to NYPD IAD is supposedly a federal marshal…
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My brother and sister-in-law left the kids with a relative and the three of us went to Key West for my birthday in the 31-foot Ultra. We did what you would expect in the limited amount of time we were there. We drank and we shopped. By 10:30 p.m. I was tired and somewhat bored…
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While lying in bed with Mr. WednesdayBeforeLast, I joked that our good relationship was ruining my bitch-about-LA-dating writing career. And then he gave me some material from out of this world. “Don’t we have an anniversary coming up?” he asked. What guy do you know remembers an anniversary? They can’t even remember their own mother’s…
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Crash
▶︎Ever since 9/11, I’ve been a little noise sensitive. Hearing the clack of metal plates banging on a street, firecrackers, or any other unexpected noise sends my heart racing. I live steps away from a one-way street. Drivers often miss the light and hit cross traffic. I’m getting used to that noise. It just happened…
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Los Angeles isn’t normal. My dates are usually abnormal. So when I finally found a normal guy, it’s only natural that the date take an unusual turn. We clicked in email and on the phone, so phase three – the meeting – was booked. The chemistry was almost immediate as we sipped our green teas…
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I got over that metrosexual man thing more than a decade ago when I realized my husband used more hair products than I did. It wasn’t the ‘80s, after all. So when I met a man who said he was in touch with his inner lesbian and he’d come over and fix my furnace on…
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In Los Angeles, we don’t make a move in our car without checking SigAlert. This useful website helps us plan around idiot drivers. What it doesn’t help with is the trouble we may find when we reach our destination. I agreed to drive to Long Beach for a first date tonight. Going 34 miles in…
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More than four years ago, I planned a well-deserved vacation to Mexico with two girlfriends. We had all been working hard and were ready to play hard. As part of our “fun” incentive package, I went to Target and got an economy box of condoms for us. Our goal was finish the box by the…
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I realized the other day that my “monthly” bleeding has had approximately a 360 month run. That’s a 30-year term. Will I ever hold the deed to my pussy? Will Proctor & Gamble release the consumer stronghold it has on my bleed box? I did some basic math and determined I’ve spent $2,156.50 on feminine…
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Dating is an exhausting exercise, but I support my friends as they venture out there. What is more tiring is when they have a bad experience and state, “I thought this kind of crap only happened to you, Marna.” Once again, I have to repeat IT’S BAD ALL OVER. Marci was approached online by a…
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Ana and I were in the air, on our way to a photo shoot in Denver, when I told her I wanted to conduct an experiment. “I hear when you leave LA, guys pay attention to you. Let’s see if that’s true,” I said. Little did I know I wouldn’t have the energy to get…
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My friends mean well. They look out for me. Last week was no different. Wall Street Pete called about a $5,000 opportunity. He heard K-ROCK 92.3FM was having a “tramp stamp” contest. I began listening to him years ago when he suggested I pay attention to a pre-IPO biotech stock. “You will win. You have…
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He’s white, 14 inches and his name is Mac. Right now, he’s giving me more pleasure than any prior pieces of hardware ever could. They say once you go Mac, you’ll never go back. I think I’ll keep him around and cancel the cat idea.
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Tie the knot
▶︎When you are in your 30’s and dating, the subject of marriage is tough to tackle in the initial courtship period. There are so many reasons why (or why not) someone has married. I generally don’t ask and assume every man I date is either divorced or about to change teams. The big reveal is…
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When it comes to direct hits, men of color have always been first responders to my looks. My almost blue-white creamy skin could guide planes in at LAX. The hair isn’t blond, which is a rarity in this town. The whole package is not what men are used to seeing, so they react. Latin men…
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Kung Fu grip
▶︎As anyone with back pain will tell you, when you find relief it is as if the clouds parted and the angels sang. You remember what it is like to move again. And live. My lower back has been tight since my episode in early July. My mobility was limited and I lived every day…
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Since airfares are what they are right now, Marci decided to go Greyhound to Pittsburgh. For $78 round trip, she couldn’t beat the price which was the equivalent of a round trip cab to deep Brooklyn. Her return trip home made taking the bus an unbelievable yet worthwhile experience. In the depot she noticed a…
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I don’t look like anybody I’VE ever met, but it seems people always know someone that looks like me. I’ve been told I look like Bette Midler, Minnie Driver as well as somebody’s cousin. Today I was hit with a new celebrity look alike when some old guy told me I looked like Janis Joplin.…
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Pain for women is a relative thing. We tolerate a lot of crap. Until my recent back episode, I’d never really had pain that I couldn’t handle. Monday I found out that some unexplained occurrences in my life were actually gallstones. Yes, gallstones, they aren’t for little old ladies anymore. When I received the test…
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I was jacked up on caffeine this evening and decided to try something new. I went to the gym at 9 p.m. I had a date with sweat. With my Ipod on random, I listened to my gym playlist while reading the close-captioning of “Notting Hill” on screen. Despite the multiple stimuli, I was also…
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I selfishly went to Comic-Con in San Diego this weekend in search of material. I was hoping it was going to be a room of adult male virgins and other random freaks. It turned out to be like Washington Square Park on a weekend, except with an inordinate amount of families. When did comics, animation,…
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Today is the second anniversary of my arrival to California and I’ve determined that 80 percent of my shoe collection is now open-toed.
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The reflex
▶︎I hear the new moon is falling in Cancer right now. I don’t know what that means. I do know I received a few signs lately that prompted me to call my ex-husband. Husband? Yeah, I was married for 26 months, or .3 dog years. Our divorce was official around Valentine’s day 1995. The last…
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I noticed the reduced flexibility and tightness in my lower back many months ago. While I could still flip my legs over my head and be smothered by my boobs and gut in yoga class, I decided to see a chiro to determine if an adjustment would help me be more nimble. Three weeks of…
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Since moving to Los Angeles, I’ve been waiting. Waiting for a sign I really do live here. Twenty-two months later, I finally felt my first earthquake. I was asleep when the bed moved side-to-side while the window rattled. It woke me up and I assumed it was the Mexicans renovating the apartment above me. Three…
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As a freewheeling, easy spirit, I’ll try anything once as long as it doesn’t hurt kids, animals, or involve Wolf Blitzer. Today, I received an invitation to go to ComicCon (is it a full moon?). This is a geekfest on par with a Star Trek convention, except the guys wear the pointy ears and Superman…
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This guy, let’s call him my boyfriend, asked a very difficult question recently. “So, when are you going to write about me?” I gave my standard response, “I only write about bizarre LA dates and people that screw up. I actually like you.” I’m not sure if his ego kicked in, or if he wanted…
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I’m starting to become the conduit for bad date stories. I have enough of my own to go around, but it is disheartening to wonder if anyone in their 30s is successful in dating. April has been a parade of fools. My one girlfriend had to hit the eject button after her boyfriend stated he…
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A dear, Jewish friend from New York called to wish me a happy Easter. She jokingly asked if I was going to church on Sunday. “God, no. I just found a new yoga instructor I like and her only class in Pasadena is Sunday at 10:30 a.m.,” I replied. She began laughing hysterically. I didn’t…
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What makes dating worthwhile? The stories I suppose. But at what age do the stories become cliché and you give up dating and invest in a rocking chair and cats instead? This morning, a friend told me about her Saturday night date with a 47 year-old man. She cooked dinner and they had hot monkey…
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I’ll let you take a 70 percent pay cut, train you to kill, then let you come home to possibly be court-martialed. How’s that sound? I relocated to New York during the Silicon Alley boom to work with Ilario Pantano, a tall, good-looking NYU grad. The independent film company, Shooting Gallery, was starting up an…
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When in Rome
▶︎When you do not want to be like everyone else in eighth grade, what do you do? You take French classes. I followed through with that language in high school and college. Now I live in Los Angeles and I’ve learned an important lesson. Why didn’t I take Spanish? I need to take a conversational…
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I’m closing in on the 10th anniversary of my divorce. Don’t worry; I don’t have a “get bitter” reminder set in Outlook. I had to ask myself how long has it been because yesterday I got hit on. I didn’t realize it until about three hours later. When it did dawn on me, I understood…
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Catch-22
▶︎How a year of dating in Los Angeles made me appreciate books and batteries My 2004 resolution challenge was dating bulimia – I would date as much as possible until I got sick. I feasted on the men of Los Angeles while Kathleen, a friend in New York, did the same. Our goal was to…
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The eve of my 39th I’m a little nervous about our relations. He hasn’t gotten any more than a good night kiss. That’s all I’ve given him, Stella. I want his respect. And men don’t want anything they can get too easy. On the other hand, men lose interest quickly, especially when a girl is…
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You know you live on the Rose Bowl parade route when….. you arrive home from work and you miss your driveway because Port-O-Johns are lined up in front of your building.
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I was 35 when I realized I should hire men to move me. I made enough money and so did my friends, so the lure of beer and pizza wasn’t enough of a motivator for them. For my four-block move in Brooklyn, I called a Man with a Van. The Russians showed up. They rule…
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The cards are pouring in. Neither Jesus nor Santa appears to be popular this holiday season. The statistics so far: Reference to Christmas: zero Reference to “Holidays”: 100% Use of holiday iconography such as snowmen or poinsettias: 22% Use of cats and dogs: 56% Use of offspring spawned from human loins: 22% Inclusion of generic…
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For someone who has always embraced technology, I’m sorely behind in one genre: video games. When I moved to L.A., I thought I’d get back into the interactive space. I quickly found out most of the agencies out here are attached to the gaming industry. “Do you have any gaming experience?” a freshly pierced 20-something…
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While the body of the former is still getting cold, I elected to get back in the saddle again. What I got was the best damn date to-date in Los Angeles. I’ll spare you the details because when you use the words “beach” and “sushi” in the same story the “how long have you lived…
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Perhaps my moral fabric is frayed, but when did we, as a nation, make voting decisions based on morals? Now, if burning babies at the stake was a platform issue, I might be alarmed, but come on. In order to understand the motives of these Christians, most of who haven’t been to church this decade,…
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Since moving to Los Angeles, I have been waiting to feel an earthquake. Not a Northridge, but just a little shake to remind me where I live since I no longer get to experience blizzards or hurricanes. This morning when I turned my phone on, I had a voicemail from a friend who lives two…
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Day of rest
▶︎I woke up this morning after getting a full eight hours of sleep. Refreshed and whatever, I elected to go to yoga. We had a new, little instructor whose contortions could only be achieved by short, asian women. I did what I could and measured my success by the number of times I heard my…
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Only 12 more shopping days. That’s what they say. My registration card came today and I can vote early — by mail or touchscreen. I think I’ll go this weekend and check the crowd out, determine if there’s a user-friendly interface, and get my civic duty over with while the geezers are off at bingo.…
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I had a certain amount of fear about returning to NYC. Within hours of arriving, I remembered why I left. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ready to rip the “I love NY” bumper sticker off my car. I am ready to call California home. Turbulence made my redeye sleepless but my eyes were open…
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Homecomings
▶︎Usually the excitement of an airport arrival centers on sleeping in my own bed. I know I am getting old when a firm mattress and 300-thread count sheets rock my world. This time was different. After returning from NYC, I was greeted by a man who missed me terribly and made the commute at 1:30…
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With a simple apology he was back in my life The honesty overwhelmed me. I was right, he was wrong It wasn’t me, it was him. He was falling in love with me He wasn’t ready. Now he is. We picked up where we left off Starting over at the scene of the first date…
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After a 12-year voting hiatus riddled in political apathy, I signed and mailed in my voter registration card. I checked the “other” political party box and wrote in “undecided.” Another incentive: permanent absentee voting. No more geezers, no more pollsters.
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I have a tattoo. Don’t tell my mother. I deliberated for three years. What font? What location? I enlisted several of my inked designers’ help in determining the ultimate coolness of my creation. In July 2002, I was in Key West, Florida celebrating a friend’s 40th birthday when I decided, “what the fuck.” We went…
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I retraced my steps trying to remember the exact moment I last touched my zipper. 7:30 p.m. I went to the bathroom after dinner. Prior to flush, I became mesmerized by one of the mirror-mirrors on the wall in the women’s room of Father’s Office. I guess I forgot to zip up, but I did…
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You ever wonder, with all this great technology out there, why our financial institutions can’t code our bank cards for our native language. They certainly have the direct mail function figured out. I’m really tired of getting asked if I want instructions in Spanish or English. My last name is Bunger. My ancestors are from…
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As I get closer to going back to NYC for a visit, I’m also being sent reminders of what it was like when I was there. Anyone that’s been on the F train knows Mr. Sonny Payne. He’s one of those anything-you-can-spare guys. I usually saw Sonny about once a week on my rides. When…
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Snip snap
▶︎In the heat of passion, sometimes you don’t respond logicially to questions you’d normally respond to with a laugh or a “what the fuck.” Now that a hand isn’t down my pants, I have time to think. Since the 1960’s, the Pill has been a symbol of sexual freedom for women. Within a few percentage…
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I made my reservations. I’m going back to New York to attend a friend’s first book signing. Nomi was part of my core writing group while in New York. That gang really pushed me and I thank them for the tough love. But I’m scared. I miss fall foliage. I miss pizza and real bagels.…
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I get so tickled when people find my life exciting. On the whole, it really isn’t that exciting….except if you are married. If you are married, you read my blog to affirm that being blissfully tied to another might be one notch above dating in LA in your 30’s. Tonight Lauren, my absolute favorite lesbian,…
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The last vacation I took with Anne was to Mexico. Our usual fixed vacation agenda item is to try to eat nachos every day. For the Mexico trip, I went to Target and bought an economy box of condoms. We calculated that we’d have to have sex 1.7 times per day to finish the box.…
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Have you ever been on a date and you think to yourself, “something isn’t right here.” After a good night’s sleep, I’m ready to Sunday morning quarterback my Saturday night date. I made the seven-mile schlep to Hollywood in record time. Going to Hollywood on a Saturday night is a chore that has to have…
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A good Virginia girl found love in California. I have proof, it is possible, but,as you would expect, the freak flag is flying high. The announcement states the couple had a double-tattoo ceremony. The bride tricked out her mother’s wedding dress. The groom wore white formal attire and derby embellished with kaleidoscopic braid and feathers.…
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My email inbox always has a smattering of penis improvement pills, low mortgage rate loans, Russian teen porn, and reduced priced software. Today I was presented with a new offer. The promised land is in sight (or site as the web case may be). I can now meet “real” Christian singles. “If you are tired…
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A recent study published in the science journal, Nature, has determined that 60 cells are involved in the sexual behavior of a fruit fly. When they don’t work properly, male fruit flies cannot complete specific steps of the courtship ritual and are unable to reproduce. The courtship steps of a fruit fly include tapping the…
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I’m growing weary of dating. I’m losing the energy and enthusiasm to do it even when there’s a remote chance I might have a good time. I had a bizarre date Monday night and it has taken me days to write about it, thus denying myself the horror of recall until now. I’m at that…
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I suppose, next to hookers, I’m one of the few people that makes dating a worthwhile endeavor. I approach it from a no-fear perspective. If a date goes well, I’m happy and I’ll have something to talk about. If a date is a train wreck, I’ll get some verbal and written rubbernecking out of the…
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I’ve had a few strangers who read my blog write to ask if I’ve had the date with TGG (that gym guy) because they wanted to read about the date results. My response was, ‘Oh, I only blog bad dates. Good guys don’t make for good nonfiction.” I’m making an exception to the rule only…
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If a man has an increased interest in his aesthetic sense, does that make him a metrosexual? If he spends a great deal of time and money on his appearance and lifestyle, is he metrosexual? Back in the old days, we called that gay. I’m not sure where the term metrosexual came from, but I’m…
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I joked with a coworker recently that my personal tagline should be “Internet dating since 1996.” In addition, in the last five years, two of my jobs have been leads I found on the internet. Not anymore. The internet used to be a good place for jobs and dates. Now it has gone to the…
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I was in Vegas this weekend. It was my first time back since my trip in 2002 with Circus boy. I didn’t gamble, but it seemed only appropriate that I wait in line at the change cage. I got two rolls of quarters to do laundry when I got home. Damn smokers.
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You know what I don’t have in my dating story repetoire? I don’t have a I-met-a-guy-at-the-gym story. I actually don’t know anyone who does. I mean, I look my worst at the gym: uneven rub-on tan on the exposed infrequently shaven calves, an unsupportive sport bra that mashes my boobs to mid-gut, smeared mascara, red…
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Today the New York department of health interviewed me for the WTC survivors’ registry. This is a 20-year health study to monitor exposure impact and effects. You know what they asked me? They asked me if I was white. Not Caucasian, but w-h-i-t-e. One of the other choices was black. Not African-American, but b-l-a-c-k. We’ve…
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When things get weird, I think about happy, simple times. For me, that would be college. I carried a full load, volunteered, worked, DJed and managed to find time to sample all the fresh beer in Farmville. One moment I will never forget was when the Beastie Boys Licensed to Ill record came out in…
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I never had a dowry, but my German background has blessed/cursed me with being well-endowed. Men would say…my personal pot of gold. Me and the girls have been hanging out for nearly 30 years now. I’m used to them. When my friend recently got a breast reduction, I was naturally curious to see if the…
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“I am sure our lives are pretty dull compared to yours. But isn’t that the way it always was? You have always lived life more fully, taken it by the horns more that the rest of us! Have fun in the sun you California girl:)” Sherri Thompson, 6/14/04 Richmond, Virginia
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When there’s no shortage of single guys in this town, why on earth would I choose to go out with a married man? I was experiencing writer’s drought and I needed material. Sam found my profile online and contacted me. He told me I had a nice big smile and seemed intelligent. I did my…
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Some people mark significant events in their lives by where they were. Well, I was eating a Swanson TV dinner when I watched Nixon resign, I was in biology class when someone heard on their Walkman radio that John Lennon had been shot, and I was walking out of the Fulton Street A/C subway stop…
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My esquire
▶︎When was the last time you heard an attorney say, “At this point, I’ll work for free. I haven’t delivered results and this is getting ridiculous.” It appears my esquire had hit the same blue wall of silence I’ve been living with for years. That statement almost made me cry at the office on Friday.…
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The multi-billion dollar porn industry of LA breathed a sigh of relief today when their self-imposed filming moratorium was lifted. Last month, one of the male actors tested HIV-positive and passed it on to several other actors. As a result of the shut down, the local news agencies have been forced to cover the sexual…
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“Wow, you don’t look 38. Maybe 31, but not 38. I’m 30 in August, so we’ll look the same age.” The bad angel on my left shoulder said, “Congratulations. You won. Now shut up and take your clothes off.”
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When I lived in New York, I encountered the best panhandlers the world has to offer. Now that I’ve been in LA a while, I have to say, I’m not impressed. NY bums have an angle and they understand marketing, no matter their mental faculties. I’ll toss money at a mother carrying a baby if…
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Farmacia
▶︎You know you are getting old when you go to Tijuana for drugs, not tequila. Today was my first trip to Tijuana and it was a drug run. No pictures with donkeys, ponchos, and sombreros. My friend was on a mission to lower her Rx costs. I was along for the ride, and possibly shopping.…
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Is it wrong for me to give an eight year-old a quarter and hope he calls me in ten years? I’ve known sweet Aaron since diapers. We were reunited in Phoenix at Thanksgiving. I chased him around the house yelling, “I’m going to kiss you. Give Aunt Marna some hot loving.” He squealed with equal…
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Are men the reason there are lesbians? I’m beginning to believe it. Today I had one of those “what just happened here” moments where I shook my head. Did I miss something? For the first time in my life I got dumped by email – a true method for calibrating ball size. I’m realistic and…
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Today was a spontaneous day that evolved into a California cliché. That’s OK because I’ll do anything once as long as it doesn’t hurt small children/animals or involve Wolf Blitzer. Vivian called early in the morning and suggested we hit the Brentwood farmers market. Brentwood is an upscale neighborhood with $1M+ homes and famous folk…
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Ten and Two
▶︎When did we become passengers to our own creativity? It was probably when child restraint legislation was enacted in the 1980s. I was born in 1966 and my brother was born in late 1967. We LOVED going into the way back of our Rambler station wagon to play as our parents drove. That was also…
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Bedroom dirty talk is the convergence of creativity and tolerance. I’ve been a dirty talk connoisseur for about twenty years. I have classic and timeless standards. At this point, I rarely need to add to my repertoire. The other night, I heard a new one. I would be willing to bet that most people get…
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CG: Hey… how’s this for The Passion of Christ Happy Meal tie in at McDonalds…. a grape juice box, some dry crackers and a wash and dry CG: (to wash your hands of it all) M a r n a CB: LOL, you are bad. M a r n a CB: I think I want…
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It was a day of firsts for me. It started with a shot of wheat grass juice. It smelled like grass and tasted like freshly mowed greens should – good for you gross. I went hard core and passed on the orange slice chaser. That had to be for pussies. I survived just like I…
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It’s Valentines Day and I’m living in Brooklyn with my girlfriend of two and one-half years. What should I do today? Pay attention to my girlfriend? Take her to brunch? Give her flowers? Make love to her? Nah, I think I’ll call Marna. She knew me when I was commitment phobic…when I couldn’t introduce her…
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I’ve become one of them….one of those pansy-ass denizens of LA that has a mental meltdown when the near perfect weather changes. Monday night I remembered nothing is perfect and I was born with blonde hair. I was tired, cold and hungry and decided to gas up during high winds while sheets of rain poured…
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Catch-38
▶︎I’m probably the only woman who doesn’t lie about her age. Well, I do like telling 20-something boys I’m 29 just to see if they believe me. However, in the days before and after my birthday this year, I have to say, I’m ready to lie. “Wow, you are 38? I can’t believe you aren’t…
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I received an email out of the blue this morning from a friend from high school. We’ve probably chatted a dozen times since 1983. Today he sent an email in response to my holiday card. “Marna – In 11th grade psychology class all you talked about was the Jefferson Airplane, Moby Grape, and the never-ending…