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I never believed that whole “sexual prime” business until shortly after my 30th birthday. I was horny all the time. Insanely unfair hormone levels. It hasn’t stopped. I went out with two friends Saturday night that are +/- 50. There’s no end in sight. I’ve learned the older you get, the more you really don’t…
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I’ve never been one of those need-a-man girls. I barely dated in high school and college because I had so many other interests besides stupid assholes. When I announced I was engaged at the age of 26, my friends were in awe. The person least likely to… was. It was no shock to most when…
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Ever notice how geezers will wax nostalgic about some car they used to have decades before? Last night, as my life flashed before me, I fondly thought of my Jetta and nearly shed a tear. That five-speed was spunky and the turning radius could have been envied by the NYPD. What I loved most about…
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I think Freud, Jung, Dr. Phil, Dr. Spock, and Judge Judy would all agree we learn through example. I’m starting to feel like I could probably never parent except remotely while wearing an orange jumpsuit making a call from the yard. My “example” was a walnut-stained, one-inch piece of plywood with a leather hang cord.…
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I’m number one. I don’t usually consider Spring my season. I’m more of a fourth quarter girl; however, the tides are changing. Two very unusual things happened to me recently. I got a full-time, permanent job and a boyfriend within the same 30 days. Nearly all my jobs have been fourth quarter hires where I’m…
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… vas Indeferens I’m neutral about the whole idea of spawning. I hate the fact my married-with friends live vicariously through me and start their sentences with, “I love my kids but…” I’ve seen friends and family age exponentially after creation of their nuclear family. I really like sex and love beer and those are…
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When real guy started behaving like typical guy, I knew it was time to evaluate what I wanted against what we could accomplish together. When he said, “I’m not really a relationship guy,” I knew it was time to utter my favorite four-lettered word. NEXT. I didn’t realize it was Valentine’s Day until one of…
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Growing up, I had this thing about being different… to the point where my parents said, “why can’t you be like everyone else?” This continues in my adult life. The New York Times analyzed recent census data and discovered more American women are living without a husband than with one. That’s right. As my sweet…
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As enticing as the DMV offer was, I knew I couldn’t renew my driver’s license by mail. My picture was a cross between a Nick Nolte mug shot and a Cyndi Lauper album cover. When I moved to California, I wasn’t aware they put weight on your driver’s license, so I didn’t lie. It was…
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My holiday postcard minimum print run is 500. My card list is 200. Each year I try to find ways to distribute the excess. I’ll hand them out in the office, to the guards, to the postman, and to waiters with the tip. This year I got a little creative with the extras. I decided…
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I laid out my clothes the night before: black v-neck sweater, pedal pushers, and black jeweled mules with kitten heels. I was ready to see Dr. T. My morning-of ritual consisted of shaving my legs, scrunching my hair so the curls fell across my eyes at just the right angle, and layering the perfume. When…
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In California, if you asked any former New Yorker what they miss about the city, the response is pretty consistent: food, fall, and friends. I returned recently with a certain fear factor: do I miss it so much I’ll want to move back and give up my 72 degrees and sunny homogenous SoCal life? In…
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In the age of broadcasting conglomerates, it’s hard to define community standards. I recently discovered that George Carlin’s seven dirty words should be expanded to include “God.” Panic! at the Disco has a line in one of their songs that says, “Haven’t you learned to close the goddamn door?” It’s a harmless sentence that is…
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Kippurrific
▶︎I got onto the highway late today, around oh-fuck-o’clock. I knew I was doomed to spend close to two hours in evening rush hour, but I didn’t. I sailed down the 10 doing close to 80 wondering if I missed an earthquake. Where were my rush hour peeps? It dawned on me when I passed…
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I have a vacation ritual where I pack my almost-expired condoms with hopes they are deployed. My trip to Hawaii was extra special because I was going with my 71 year-old namesake. The Marna(s) were on a mission to meet the perfect Uncle/Nephew combo. We had seven condoms for the week. I wasn’t sure if…
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I remember walking home with smoke and ash following me. I remember looking back every few paces to try to understand. I remember communicating by IM because phone service was spotty. I remember sitting in my Park Slope, Brooklyn backyard drunk, staring at the ash. I remember the grounding silence and smiling at the fighter…
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I had one of those oh-no-you-didn’t experiences today in the bank. I was waiting in line when I realized a classic song from my youth was on the sound system. Why would this be disturbing? The ‘80s have been “in” for several years now. Well, it was The Clash. It would have been funny, in…
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-free dom
▶︎I’m riding the trend wave again. And I’m not talking about a passing fancy like bungie jumping, myspace networking, or miniskirts with leggings. I’ve become one of them, without the Birkenstocks or patchouli oil. I’ve been a vegetarian for 100 days. And for shits and giggles, I decided to give up wheat, refined sugar (all…
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I’ve always felt there’s a profession more deviant and despicable than used car salesman or insurance underwriter. That would be the “human resource” career track. Throughout my 20+ year career, they have been referred to as inhumane and no-resource. This week I received a call from a lovely human resource woman. She was screening me…
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My medical crush is over. Hot Dr. T stood me up for some supposed “emergency” in the ER. I went to the trouble of shaving my legs, pushing up the boobs and applying mascara only to get his substitute for my appointment/date. The eastern European accented, crooked-tooth intern didn’t provide me much comfort in Dr.…
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And the radio is in the hands of such a lot of fools Tryin’ to anaesthetise the way that you feel
▶︎I have a five-minute commute to work. It keeps me sane. But it also gives me the opportunity to enjoy driving in LA traffic after 5 p.m. if I want to go across town to visit friends or go to my westside writing group. I exercise my right to honk, check out drivers, and listen…
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Your momma
▶︎It happened again and I was as disturbed as I was the first time. My hair was big and wild. I had cat sunglasses on, a black tank top, crops, and 3.5” espadrille wedges. I was semi-stylish and cute. When I finished my transaction, the postal worker looked up and said, “Have a nice mother’s…
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I looked forward to meeting my surgeon. This was going to be my first hospital visit and I really didn’t know what to expect. ER stitches when I was nine was the closest I’ve been to admitted. I knew as soon as I walked into my surgeon’s office I was screwed, and wanted to be.…
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I have short-term memory dreams now. Nothing vivid or grandeous and the plot is usually whatever happened within the last 72-hour period. So, I may be doing a Norma Rae at the office, or dreaming I met a nice, single emotionally adjusted guy at happy hour. Now my dreams are going in scary, different directions.…
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To reaffirm that I am, indeed, 40 years old, my doctor wrote a referral for a mammogram. I’m probably one of the few people that enjoys them because I look forward to the conversations the technicians generate to try to distract you from the boob squishings. My first mammo was in 1994. I was young…
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Every girl remembers her first bra. I wasn’t interested in getting one. Now, 31 years later, I still wish I didn’t have to wear one, but I’m thankful for the interesting bra shopping experiences that make the hassle worth it. In 1975, I was an early bloomer in the fifth grade. I didn’t want to…
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I’ve been mentoring a 17 year-old girl for the past couple of months. We meet weekly at a coffee shop near her high school and work on our writing. During the first 15 minutes, we gossip. Our recent common denominator is boys. She has her head on straight and knows they are all idiots. She…
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Do you know the expression, “You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family?” I love my friends. They’ve been there for me in post-birthday recovery. The Tour du Florida humor hasn’t let up. From RV sales videos to “I’m so sorry for you” shoulder squeezes, they’ve validated my feelings and helped me…
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I was in the middle of planning my 40th birthday trip to Hawaii when my brother called and suggested an alternative destination. His annual U.S. visit coincided with my birthday week and he was going to be in Florida. Hawaii or Florida…hum. This would be my only opportunity to see my nephews and work on…
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While connecting in the Charlotte airport on my way back to LA, I heard the recorded announcement, “if you see unattended luggage or suspicious packages, please contact a law enforcement official.” When I realized where I was, I had a panic attack. The cop I turned in to NYPD IAD is supposedly a federal marshal…
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My brother and sister-in-law left the kids with a relative and the three of us went to Key West for my birthday in the 31-foot Ultra. We did what you would expect in the limited amount of time we were there. We drank and we shopped. By 10:30 p.m. I was tired and somewhat bored…
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Crash
▶︎Ever since 9/11, I’ve been a little noise sensitive. Hearing the clack of metal plates banging on a street, firecrackers, or any other unexpected noise sends my heart racing. I live steps away from a one-way street. Drivers often miss the light and hit cross traffic. I’m getting used to that noise. It just happened…
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Los Angeles isn’t normal. My dates are usually abnormal. So when I finally found a normal guy, it’s only natural that the date take an unusual turn. We clicked in email and on the phone, so phase three – the meeting – was booked. The chemistry was almost immediate as we sipped our green teas…
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More than four years ago, I planned a well-deserved vacation to Mexico with two girlfriends. We had all been working hard and were ready to play hard. As part of our “fun” incentive package, I went to Target and got an economy box of condoms for us. Our goal was finish the box by the…
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I realized the other day that my “monthly” bleeding has had approximately a 360 month run. That’s a 30-year term. Will I ever hold the deed to my pussy? Will Proctor & Gamble release the consumer stronghold it has on my bleed box? I did some basic math and determined I’ve spent $2,156.50 on feminine…
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Ana and I were in the air, on our way to a photo shoot in Denver, when I told her I wanted to conduct an experiment. “I hear when you leave LA, guys pay attention to you. Let’s see if that’s true,” I said. Little did I know I wouldn’t have the energy to get…
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My friends mean well. They look out for me. Last week was no different. Wall Street Pete called about a $5,000 opportunity. He heard K-ROCK 92.3FM was having a “tramp stamp” contest. I began listening to him years ago when he suggested I pay attention to a pre-IPO biotech stock. “You will win. You have…
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When it comes to direct hits, men of color have always been first responders to my looks. My almost blue-white creamy skin could guide planes in at LAX. The hair isn’t blond, which is a rarity in this town. The whole package is not what men are used to seeing, so they react. Latin men…
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Kung Fu grip
▶︎As anyone with back pain will tell you, when you find relief it is as if the clouds parted and the angels sang. You remember what it is like to move again. And live. My lower back has been tight since my episode in early July. My mobility was limited and I lived every day…
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Since airfares are what they are right now, Marci decided to go Greyhound to Pittsburgh. For $78 round trip, she couldn’t beat the price which was the equivalent of a round trip cab to deep Brooklyn. Her return trip home made taking the bus an unbelievable yet worthwhile experience. In the depot she noticed a…
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I don’t look like anybody I’VE ever met, but it seems people always know someone that looks like me. I’ve been told I look like Bette Midler, Minnie Driver as well as somebody’s cousin. Today I was hit with a new celebrity look alike when some old guy told me I looked like Janis Joplin.…
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Pain for women is a relative thing. We tolerate a lot of crap. Until my recent back episode, I’d never really had pain that I couldn’t handle. Monday I found out that some unexplained occurrences in my life were actually gallstones. Yes, gallstones, they aren’t for little old ladies anymore. When I received the test…
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I was jacked up on caffeine this evening and decided to try something new. I went to the gym at 9 p.m. I had a date with sweat. With my Ipod on random, I listened to my gym playlist while reading the close-captioning of “Notting Hill” on screen. Despite the multiple stimuli, I was also…
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I selfishly went to Comic-Con in San Diego this weekend in search of material. I was hoping it was going to be a room of adult male virgins and other random freaks. It turned out to be like Washington Square Park on a weekend, except with an inordinate amount of families. When did comics, animation,…
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Today is the second anniversary of my arrival to California and I’ve determined that 80 percent of my shoe collection is now open-toed.
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I noticed the reduced flexibility and tightness in my lower back many months ago. While I could still flip my legs over my head and be smothered by my boobs and gut in yoga class, I decided to see a chiro to determine if an adjustment would help me be more nimble. Three weeks of…
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Since moving to Los Angeles, I’ve been waiting. Waiting for a sign I really do live here. Twenty-two months later, I finally felt my first earthquake. I was asleep when the bed moved side-to-side while the window rattled. It woke me up and I assumed it was the Mexicans renovating the apartment above me. Three…
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As a freewheeling, easy spirit, I’ll try anything once as long as it doesn’t hurt kids, animals, or involve Wolf Blitzer. Today, I received an invitation to go to ComicCon (is it a full moon?). This is a geekfest on par with a Star Trek convention, except the guys wear the pointy ears and Superman…
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A dear, Jewish friend from New York called to wish me a happy Easter. She jokingly asked if I was going to church on Sunday. “God, no. I just found a new yoga instructor I like and her only class in Pasadena is Sunday at 10:30 a.m.,” I replied. She began laughing hysterically. I didn’t…
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I’ll let you take a 70 percent pay cut, train you to kill, then let you come home to possibly be court-martialed. How’s that sound? I relocated to New York during the Silicon Alley boom to work with Ilario Pantano, a tall, good-looking NYU grad. The independent film company, Shooting Gallery, was starting up an…
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When in Rome
▶︎When you do not want to be like everyone else in eighth grade, what do you do? You take French classes. I followed through with that language in high school and college. Now I live in Los Angeles and I’ve learned an important lesson. Why didn’t I take Spanish? I need to take a conversational…
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I’m closing in on the 10th anniversary of my divorce. Don’t worry; I don’t have a “get bitter” reminder set in Outlook. I had to ask myself how long has it been because yesterday I got hit on. I didn’t realize it until about three hours later. When it did dawn on me, I understood…
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The eve of my 39th I’m a little nervous about our relations. He hasn’t gotten any more than a good night kiss. That’s all I’ve given him, Stella. I want his respect. And men don’t want anything they can get too easy. On the other hand, men lose interest quickly, especially when a girl is…
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You know you live on the Rose Bowl parade route when….. you arrive home from work and you miss your driveway because Port-O-Johns are lined up in front of your building.
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I was 35 when I realized I should hire men to move me. I made enough money and so did my friends, so the lure of beer and pizza wasn’t enough of a motivator for them. For my four-block move in Brooklyn, I called a Man with a Van. The Russians showed up. They rule…
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The cards are pouring in. Neither Jesus nor Santa appears to be popular this holiday season. The statistics so far: Reference to Christmas: zero Reference to “Holidays”: 100% Use of holiday iconography such as snowmen or poinsettias: 22% Use of cats and dogs: 56% Use of offspring spawned from human loins: 22% Inclusion of generic…
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For someone who has always embraced technology, I’m sorely behind in one genre: video games. When I moved to L.A., I thought I’d get back into the interactive space. I quickly found out most of the agencies out here are attached to the gaming industry. “Do you have any gaming experience?” a freshly pierced 20-something…
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Perhaps my moral fabric is frayed, but when did we, as a nation, make voting decisions based on morals? Now, if burning babies at the stake was a platform issue, I might be alarmed, but come on. In order to understand the motives of these Christians, most of who haven’t been to church this decade,…
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Since moving to Los Angeles, I have been waiting to feel an earthquake. Not a Northridge, but just a little shake to remind me where I live since I no longer get to experience blizzards or hurricanes. This morning when I turned my phone on, I had a voicemail from a friend who lives two…
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Day of rest
▶︎I woke up this morning after getting a full eight hours of sleep. Refreshed and whatever, I elected to go to yoga. We had a new, little instructor whose contortions could only be achieved by short, asian women. I did what I could and measured my success by the number of times I heard my…
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Only 12 more shopping days. That’s what they say. My registration card came today and I can vote early — by mail or touchscreen. I think I’ll go this weekend and check the crowd out, determine if there’s a user-friendly interface, and get my civic duty over with while the geezers are off at bingo.…
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I had a certain amount of fear about returning to NYC. Within hours of arriving, I remembered why I left. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ready to rip the “I love NY” bumper sticker off my car. I am ready to call California home. Turbulence made my redeye sleepless but my eyes were open…
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After a 12-year voting hiatus riddled in political apathy, I signed and mailed in my voter registration card. I checked the “other” political party box and wrote in “undecided.” Another incentive: permanent absentee voting. No more geezers, no more pollsters.
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You ever wonder, with all this great technology out there, why our financial institutions can’t code our bank cards for our native language. They certainly have the direct mail function figured out. I’m really tired of getting asked if I want instructions in Spanish or English. My last name is Bunger. My ancestors are from…
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As I get closer to going back to NYC for a visit, I’m also being sent reminders of what it was like when I was there. Anyone that’s been on the F train knows Mr. Sonny Payne. He’s one of those anything-you-can-spare guys. I usually saw Sonny about once a week on my rides. When…
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I made my reservations. I’m going back to New York to attend a friend’s first book signing. Nomi was part of my core writing group while in New York. That gang really pushed me and I thank them for the tough love. But I’m scared. I miss fall foliage. I miss pizza and real bagels.…
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The last vacation I took with Anne was to Mexico. Our usual fixed vacation agenda item is to try to eat nachos every day. For the Mexico trip, I went to Target and bought an economy box of condoms. We calculated that we’d have to have sex 1.7 times per day to finish the box.…
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A good Virginia girl found love in California. I have proof, it is possible, but,as you would expect, the freak flag is flying high. The announcement states the couple had a double-tattoo ceremony. The bride tricked out her mother’s wedding dress. The groom wore white formal attire and derby embellished with kaleidoscopic braid and feathers.…
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I was in Vegas this weekend. It was my first time back since my trip in 2002 with Circus boy. I didn’t gamble, but it seemed only appropriate that I wait in line at the change cage. I got two rolls of quarters to do laundry when I got home. Damn smokers.
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Today the New York department of health interviewed me for the WTC survivors’ registry. This is a 20-year health study to monitor exposure impact and effects. You know what they asked me? They asked me if I was white. Not Caucasian, but w-h-i-t-e. One of the other choices was black. Not African-American, but b-l-a-c-k. We’ve…
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When things get weird, I think about happy, simple times. For me, that would be college. I carried a full load, volunteered, worked, DJed and managed to find time to sample all the fresh beer in Farmville. One moment I will never forget was when the Beastie Boys Licensed to Ill record came out in…
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I never had a dowry, but my German background has blessed/cursed me with being well-endowed. Men would say…my personal pot of gold. Me and the girls have been hanging out for nearly 30 years now. I’m used to them. When my friend recently got a breast reduction, I was naturally curious to see if the…
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“I am sure our lives are pretty dull compared to yours. But isn’t that the way it always was? You have always lived life more fully, taken it by the horns more that the rest of us! Have fun in the sun you California girl:)” Sherri Thompson, 6/14/04 Richmond, Virginia
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Some people mark significant events in their lives by where they were. Well, I was eating a Swanson TV dinner when I watched Nixon resign, I was in biology class when someone heard on their Walkman radio that John Lennon had been shot, and I was walking out of the Fulton Street A/C subway stop…
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My esquire
▶︎When was the last time you heard an attorney say, “At this point, I’ll work for free. I haven’t delivered results and this is getting ridiculous.” It appears my esquire had hit the same blue wall of silence I’ve been living with for years. That statement almost made me cry at the office on Friday.…
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The multi-billion dollar porn industry of LA breathed a sigh of relief today when their self-imposed filming moratorium was lifted. Last month, one of the male actors tested HIV-positive and passed it on to several other actors. As a result of the shut down, the local news agencies have been forced to cover the sexual…
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When I lived in New York, I encountered the best panhandlers the world has to offer. Now that I’ve been in LA a while, I have to say, I’m not impressed. NY bums have an angle and they understand marketing, no matter their mental faculties. I’ll toss money at a mother carrying a baby if…
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Farmacia
▶︎You know you are getting old when you go to Tijuana for drugs, not tequila. Today was my first trip to Tijuana and it was a drug run. No pictures with donkeys, ponchos, and sombreros. My friend was on a mission to lower her Rx costs. I was along for the ride, and possibly shopping.…
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Is it wrong for me to give an eight year-old a quarter and hope he calls me in ten years? I’ve known sweet Aaron since diapers. We were reunited in Phoenix at Thanksgiving. I chased him around the house yelling, “I’m going to kiss you. Give Aunt Marna some hot loving.” He squealed with equal…
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Today was a spontaneous day that evolved into a California cliché. That’s OK because I’ll do anything once as long as it doesn’t hurt small children/animals or involve Wolf Blitzer. Vivian called early in the morning and suggested we hit the Brentwood farmers market. Brentwood is an upscale neighborhood with $1M+ homes and famous folk…
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Ten and Two
▶︎When did we become passengers to our own creativity? It was probably when child restraint legislation was enacted in the 1980s. I was born in 1966 and my brother was born in late 1967. We LOVED going into the way back of our Rambler station wagon to play as our parents drove. That was also…
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CG: Hey… how’s this for The Passion of Christ Happy Meal tie in at McDonalds…. a grape juice box, some dry crackers and a wash and dry CG: (to wash your hands of it all) M a r n a CB: LOL, you are bad. M a r n a CB: I think I want…
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It was a day of firsts for me. It started with a shot of wheat grass juice. It smelled like grass and tasted like freshly mowed greens should – good for you gross. I went hard core and passed on the orange slice chaser. That had to be for pussies. I survived just like I…
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It’s Valentines Day and I’m living in Brooklyn with my girlfriend of two and one-half years. What should I do today? Pay attention to my girlfriend? Take her to brunch? Give her flowers? Make love to her? Nah, I think I’ll call Marna. She knew me when I was commitment phobic…when I couldn’t introduce her…
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I’ve become one of them….one of those pansy-ass denizens of LA that has a mental meltdown when the near perfect weather changes. Monday night I remembered nothing is perfect and I was born with blonde hair. I was tired, cold and hungry and decided to gas up during high winds while sheets of rain poured…
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Catch-38
▶︎I’m probably the only woman who doesn’t lie about her age. Well, I do like telling 20-something boys I’m 29 just to see if they believe me. However, in the days before and after my birthday this year, I have to say, I’m ready to lie. “Wow, you are 38? I can’t believe you aren’t…
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I received an email out of the blue this morning from a friend from high school. We’ve probably chatted a dozen times since 1983. Today he sent an email in response to my holiday card. “Marna – In 11th grade psychology class all you talked about was the Jefferson Airplane, Moby Grape, and the never-ending…
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I’m not doing a list or a year-end review. I know better than to speculate what the future holds for me. I did learn one important lesson this year. My vibrator takes rechargable batteries. Why didn’t I think of this before? Why? I used to proudly walk into Costco to get my 48 double packs.…
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The end of this week marks my four month anniversary in California. Friends back East continue to ask me about the differences of living out here. I’ve made some casual observances in previous blogs, but here are my overall impressions: Personal Grooming – I realized a few months ago that the only time I have…
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Here’s some math to ponder: in another 10 days I’ll be ovulating. If I were to get knocked up, I’d have a baby summer 2004. Baby Bungie would graduate from high school when I’m 56 years old. To the best of my knowledge, unless you produce a child star or a prodigy of some sort,…
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Cucamonga
▶︎The first time I heard the word cucamonga, I believe I was in third grade and it was a derogatory term of unknown origin or meaning. Nearly 31 years later, I heard the word again, except it was Rancho Cucamonga and the area was on fire. On Friday, October 24th, my Venice skies became yellow,…
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If we were to judge our nation by the type of spam emails we receive, what would we learn? A 48-hour analysis of my inbox spam reveals that Americans love drugs that begin with the letter V. If you drill down farther, we are a nation in pain and we can’t get it up. Valium.…
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I’m back on the subject of LA and cars, but before we go there, let me immediately digress. I had the usual, traditional conflicted childhood. I was an individual who was different and didn’t blend in and yet I wanted to be like everyone else. And I didn’t. My parents’ delivered the usual fucked-up conflicted…
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If you have seen Steve Martin in “LA Story,” you’ve seen all the LA clichés come alive. Four cars. Four stop signs. All the drivers are courteous and wave each other on. There appears to be a rhythm to these intersections. Up until today, I operated under the assumption that the first person stopped at…
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Today I went to a housewarming party of a friend from Virginia. I met a nice group of normal, adult people, but I had a few interesting observations. Like most metropolitan areas, I am finding it hard to find anyone FROM California. (Kind of makes you wonder how things got so weird out here and…
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Nice produce
▶︎I lived in New York a little less than four years. In that time, I learned to conserve going to the grocery store, even when I had a car. The less you buy, the less you have to haul upstairs. Endless, affordable restaurant selections make the decision to eat out that much easier. A four-…
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Anyone who knows me know there’s always a story in my life. Some things do not go right. I’m like that Peanuts character with the cloud swirling overhead. Everything about this relocation was going too smoothly. I was suspicious. Was Karma finally on my side, or was the unexpected just around the corner? I left…