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The sperm or the egg? Comments Off on The sperm or the egg?

Posted on October 15, 2003 by Marna

When you are unemployed, sometimes you think about employment opportunities that, under normal circumstances, you’d never consider in a million years.

Let’s take egg donation for instance. I still cower in fear every time my mother yells, “Whatever you do, don’t get pregnant.” I’m 37 and it hasn’t happened yet. Perhaps I should turn over these unused eggs to someone who could use them. Biological recycling…waste management. Take them all out and maybe my mother will shut up. Win-win.

There is a company called the Donor Source advertising for egg donors on Craig’s list. This is serious commitment: several weeks of injections to increase egg production and then harvesting (scoop out) under general anesthesia. I’d be willing to bet that these horror-mone injections screw with your mental state to the point where you probably want to strangle a man with your chocolate IV drip. What’s the compensation? It is a mere $5,500 to fuck with your delicate chemical balance all in the name of giving someone else life. Here’s the funnier part. Donor Source requests that you be less than 29 years of age and a weight appropriate non-smoker.

So much for that get rich quick scheme.

On the other hand, we have sperm donation: men doing what they do best – jerking off. The California Cryobank is seeking healthy males aged 19 to 38 for anonymous donation. They require proof of an undergraduate degree. Dumb sperm need not apply and no Strom Thurmond-aged sperm either. The men are paid $900 a month to whack off two times a week. Since they are already probably meeting that frequency, the only inconvenience here is location.

As infertile couples bypass adoption to flip through photo books to assemble their genetically superior Petri dish specimen, my fat, old ass has realized, once again, I’m overqualified for another job.

That’s alright; at least I have my health.

  • About Marna

    Marna’s writing career started as a Pentagon intern. Early exposure to $500 toilet seat press releases made her appreciate creative nonfiction. Now she has more than 25 years of senior-level marketing and communications success working with Fortune 100 companies, government, nonprofits, small businesses, startups, and agencies.

    Stats: 377 Posts, 132 Comments

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