Dont Mince Words

The Muppets have been around since I was young. But, like Mr. Hooper, old school, thinning felt Muppets die or lose camera time to their updated furry friends. Elmo received life in 1985 when a black man put his hand in Elmo’s ass and gave him that distinctive voice and laugh. With red hair and orange nose, Elmo is likeable even if he speaks of himself in the third person.

My youngest nephew, David, had an Elmo theme for his second birthday today. Balloons, plates, cups, cake…. All things were Elmo. It was Elmopalooza. At t-minus 15 minutes, I decided the only way to survive the onslaught of 2-4 year olds, as the only single, childless female in attendance. was to ask my friend, Samuel Adams for help. His tasty winter lager took the edge off. Of course, parents arrived with a look of semi-horror on their face. Oh shit, the zany, tattooed, foul-mouthed aunt is here and she has a beer in her hand at 11 a.m.

I managed to behave and when the urge hit me, I spelled out my cuss words. Kids climbed on me, babies pulled on my earrings. By beer number three, it was all good. During the festivities I made the keen observation that all parties are the same, no matter the age group. This may have been an Elmo party, but it was just like a frat party, gallery opening, or a dinner party. The usual characters prevailed.

Claire the Tattletale. This sweet little girl has ‘future bitch’ written all over her. When a kid had candy and there wasn’t any for her, she went running to the party hostess to complain. To top that, she elected to assist with present opening. Look out boys, this gold digger is bound to take her dressing on the side and drink white zinfandel.

Grant the Needy Jock. Grant is a character. I’ve known him for a few years and was concerned when he was young because he had a bubble head. His neck almost needed reinforcement. It appears he has grown into his head now; however, he’s turned into a spitter. In addition, he didn’t want pizza and required an alternate menu. My guess is Grant is going to be on the sidelines in his helmet and shoulder pads asking the coach for Fiji water.

Mason the Shy Mumbler. This kid is almost three and has a hard time enunciating words. Kind of like me after three beers. We carried on a whole conversation and I don’t know what the fuck he was saying. I did my loud-party-trick and nodded my head, uttered a few ‘oh really’s’, smiled and flipped my hair. To Mason, I appeared engaged and hanging on his every word. With his big eyes and shy disposition, I think Mason has the potential to get a lot of ass in the future, as soon as he works on his delivery.

Show and Tell Sam. My nephew and godson is the only person I know, next to Michael Jackson, who can entice a half dozen kids to come into his bedroom. Sam loves giving tours of his room and leading willing participants through his maze of toys. When Sam grows up, he’s going to be the guy with the gear. Would you like to come back to my place and see my new _________?

Catherine the Great. Miss Catherine has eyelashes to die for and the bitch already knows it. She has her bat-and-beckon routine down already. Beauty fades, Catherine. You will not age gracefully.

David the Animal. Sweet Dave is just a smiling, loveable mess with a deep voice and a passion for parties. I can’t decide if he is Flounder or Bluto yet. He will be closest to the keg and he will be the life of the party. It’s OK that he giggles like Elmo for now.

Rehab Matthew. This kid will have the Betty Ford clinic on speed dial. I think he went through five Elmo juice boxes in less than an hour.

Popular Muppets may come and go, but the characters we turn into remain the same.